How it feels to have another girl.

At 14 weeks they were able to take a guess at the gender of pineapple.  They guessed girl.  In the back of my mind, far back, I knew that already.  The last few weeks I started feeling like maybe this baby isnt a boy.  Maybe there was a chance (50% actually) that we were in fact having another little girl.  But my mind would not allow my heart to believe this.

There are many reasons why.  First off I have already connected a successful pregnancy to a boy.  Stupid, I know.  I should only be connecting the lovenox to the fact that his pregnancy was successful, but for some reason I was not able to think that way at the time.  For me it was just more scarier to find out it was another girl.  Especially given the fact that the only other pregnancy I had bleeding for was my daughters.

The next day I took an intelligender test.  I have taken these with my other 2 and they were very accurate.  That morning (5am to be exact) I was not sure about the results.  "What does that say?  Boy? Girl?" and after googling images, the solution did NOT look like a boy, but again, my mind would not allow myself to believe it was a girl.  So I emailed the company directly with a photo and asked for their help.  They replied within a couple of hours that the result mirrored the results of a girl. A GIRL.  So here I was a day after a girl guess, reading a girl result and several 'old wives' tales of girl results, still unsure.  I didnt say a word to anyone.

The following week it came time to guess again.  Girl.  Again.  This time I saw the lines.  This time I was pretty sure I was seeing what they were seeing.  It hit me.  There is another little girl growing inside me.  Will she get the chance to come home?

I got home and cried and cried and cried.  My husband didnt understand why I was crying.  With tears falling down my face I told him how I was so much more scared now.  I had bleeding with only one other pregnancy, and she was a girl, and she died.  I dont care if they say it was unrelated. BLEEDING is never normal, let alone on and off for 35weeks.  This time I had lovenox and I still had that bleeding. It could be a coincidence, it could have been the stretching of the uterus.  It could be a million 'normal' things.  But the only thing I could think of is my son, my rainbow, is HERE and he never had bleeding.

Then I explained how I was afraid to announce a girl.  I was afraid that peoples jealousy would some how hurt this pregnancy.  Stupid I know, but I thought this anyway.  I was afraid that when I announced a girl I would hear stupid comments or worse no comments.  And I found already that I have received plenty of both.  Its amazing how you notice that 1% who NEVER reaches out in happiness over your news.

I cried and then I stopped.  I needed that release.  I needed that time to just absorb that news.  I was so happy and so scared and it was as if I have never had a rainbow pregnancy before.  In fact, this is completely different from my sons.  With him I was unsure if I could have a living child, with this one I am unsure if I could have a living daughter.  The fact remains to be seen....

After a week I finally decided to announce in my group.  I was overwhelmed with the amount of JOY spilling in the comments. One after another I read how loved she already way.  How much the loved her name.  How happy they were.  And then again, like with my sons, I noticed there were my 'friends' who didnt say a word.  Nothing.  Was I hurt?  Of course I was.  This is a chance for me to raise another little girl, and they didnt have anything to say to me.  Nothing.  I already buried one daughter and I cant believe they cant find a word to say to me in hopes I never do again.  But as quickly as I was hurt by these people, I got over it.  I may have hurt longer for the treatment I felt for my son, but this time its different, this time I refuse to let anyone or anything steal a MINUTE of joy in my heart for this new little princess.  1 minute of hurt is 60 seconds of joy I missed with her, and thats 1 minute too long.

Then we announced to my inlaws over the weekend.  Was I surprised that my MIL didnt include my butterfly daughter in the amount of grand-daughters she will now have?  No, but I was sure as hell going to REMIND her that she doesnt have 4, she has FIVE.  And that punch to my throat was a swift kick back to her face, but she didnt learn because she proceeded to leave my butterfly out again, and AGAIN I had to remind her.  I am trying so hard to make sure that my stress levels are stable.  I cant be the reason that my blood creates a clot.  SO I let it go at that and when we get home I mention to my husband how hurt I was.  I assumed he would have been hurt as well, or maybe just acknowledge it hurt ME, but instead he defended her.  Because she 'apologized' when I corrected her, I was supposed to let that go.  Right!  No, I wont let that go.  In fact I will turn the tables this time.  Where before she made the choice to miss my sons first 2 years, this time I WILL be the one making the choice to have her involved as little as possible.  And that is how that will go.

We officially announced the gender reveal after they found out.  At this point my feelings have changed.  Where with the initial reveal I wanted to keep her gender all to myself, I now want to scream it to the world..WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER GIRL....and another chance and I could use as much prayers and joy around as one could expect.

Its been an amazing 3 weeks in my mind.  Lonely for sure.  Not really sure which of my feelings are normal.  Not really sure which I can share and which I can keep for the blog.  I have needed to come to this space for a while, but I didnt want to feel one thing one day and then different the next.  So I waited til now.  Today I have felt nothing but happiness about our next rainbow.  I cant wait until the fall/winter clothes are out in the stores so I can buy them.  I cant wait to start her room.  There are so many things I cant wait to do, and THAT is all new to me.  I didnt even feel that for my 1st.  I was always too scared, this time I refuse to let ANY of my fears keep me from preparing to bring her HOME.

My mood has been very short, but this was way before the gender reveal, I am so cranky and short tempered the littlest thing can set me off.  Another reason I have not made it known to 'those' that have ignored me since I got pregnant again, Id rather keep my cool and just know that those who DO love me and my kids are here for me.  I am literally growing a vegetarian in my body.  Butterfly daughter wanted MEAT all day all night, and spicy foods.  My son wanted everything...EXCEPT meat and this little girl wants nothing but fruits veggies and almond milk with chocolate syrup.  I could eat those all day and night.  Pretty healthy eating habits already LOL.  Thank goodness its summer time and organic fruits are easy to come by, but I have had to make the sacrifice and buy what is not organic too because we dont believe it ignoring a craving (unless of course its beer, which YES I have craved too along with snow crab legs LOL)

The one thing I can say about this little girl is that she is her own person.  She has her own likes and dislikes.  She may be another girl, but shes her own girl and I love her more than any words I can type here...

Whew..that was alot and I swear I feel so much better already.  I seriously need to come here more often because with my son I had therapy, but now I just have myself.  Pretty lonely.

NT scan appointment.

Today was pineapples NT scan at the hospital where my son was born at.  It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room with him on the outside.  It was even weirder to have him in the exam room that was the last place I sat with him in my belly where it was determined my fluid level was not going down and he was much better off on the outside.

The tech came in and was very quiet.  I hate quiet people.  Makes me uncomfortable.  But I know she was doing her job and measuring.  It seemed like she was measuring the same spot for a long time.  I didnt really worry about this test at all.  But I started wondering if I should have.  I mentioned the fibroids to her and she made notes to each of them, making sure to say "They are really small.  Nothing to worry about."

I mentioned to her the blood that I had last week.  "Was it red?"she asked.  "Yes it was but I didnt see red other than the swab he used to clean it out.  It resembled a tampon", I said.  "OK that is alot.  Since you mentioned this I am going to have to do an internal u/s to check the cervix."she says.  I didnt argue that.  I am all about double, triple and quadruple checking.  She inserts the wand and SHE lets out a sigh of relief  "This is great! Your cervix is way more than 4!!"  She then presses firmly onto my belly and says "Ok thats good.  The cervix isnt responding to any pressure.  I agree with the drs explanation about the capillary bursting.  Its more common than people think, but I wanted to make sure since it was red"

It was an amazing scan.  She zoomed into the babies five fingers and counted them all.  She pointed out the feet, legs and arms.  And I felt like she went above and beyond the regular duties of a "NT scan".  I asked her name and will be requesting her for the 20w anatomy scan.

The profile of the baby's face reminds me so much of my daughter.  I know all babies look the same at this point, but the lips are so prominent. Just like hers....

Dr update and fears...

This is the update I gave my group:

"Just got home from my dr. There was 100% closed cervix (n hard) NO more red blood. The swab was like "yellowish" which is just remnants of the other day (n what I've been seeing) no bed rest today. Just walk around n take it slow. He believes I had a weak capillaries that burst n sealed quickly n occurs on 9%of pregnancy but there is no dr in the world who can say 100% what caused it. That's his theory from experience n seeing the area. I am going back Wednesday for one more cervix check to triple check. Thanks for the thoughts n prayers. If I didn't have this for my daughter I wouldn't be as nervous n scared as I am. (Didn't have this for my son, ever) n he understands my fears n will see me as often as I need hi m to, but he believes I am out of the woods."

Now I have to be honest, this doesnt really comfort me too much.  I never even had red blood for my daughter.  It was mostly pink.  It was on and off through out the pregnancy and it was always "on the outside" too.  It was never a problem.  And they swear up and down that the spotting with her didnt result in her death.  Right.  It may have not directly been related, and I am not a Dr., but blood in a pregnancy for someone with a double clotting disorder seems like a problem.  It seems like a heads up for something not going right.

I spent last night cuddling my sleeping son, while I cried onto his little head.  I couldnt hold in the tears.  I was literally holding a miracle in my arms and wondering if I will be able to do the same with this one...sigh..

Once the dr told me the red blood was gone and the cervix was hard and closed I felt a relief....I seen the baby jumping around on the u/s and looking more and more like a mini human.  I chose that time to not think about what may happen again or what will end up being, and I decided to be happy for the news I have and this baby that IS still alive.

Not that I needed a time check at ALL, but this weekend reminded me that nothing is promised.  My sentences have all been "when" the baby comes home and now I find myself saying "if" again.  I said "if" alot for my sons pregnancy because I didnt know a different ending, other than death.  Since I had a more positive experience I started out positive and now....now I feel like I just really dont know what is going to happen.

I feel like I have to put on this happy positive go lucky front for everyone.  Instead of getting support I am reassuring others everything is OK.  I got more pressure on me to keep everyone else calm than ME getting to feel calm.

I took a step back today.  Regrouping myself.  Realizing who really does care about me and my baby.  I am all about looking at the glass half full, but God dammit would it be too much to ask to be ABLE to feel scared?  I didnt even tell anyone IRL except my sister and obv my husband.  I didnt want the pressure of constantly feeling like I have to say "I feel fine, baby is good, HB is good".  I hardly went on FB the whole weekend because I literally felt like I was doing more of the comforting about what was happening to ME than getting any.  My husband standing over me as I check the HB, which isnt so easy when the baby is small and moving all around, he literally broke into a sweat and turned red "OMG, that was so scary, why did it take so long??"  Long? it was 5 minutes!!! Imagine ME who has to check for it in MY body!!!!!  Lets remember one thing, I am the one who had a dead baby in their body and I am the one whose blood is to blame and I AM the one who has to worry if this time will be like hers....instead of like his....

Of course I could always rely on my #1 to be right there texting with me and letting me feel OK to be scared.  I felt OK to remember and compare this to my daughter.  I felt OK to finally sound negative when stating RED blood IS bad.  And I felt good when my Dr told me "I agree with  you 100%, red blood is never a good sign in pregnancy.  But even normal pregnancies can experience it".  So here I am afraid again.  I thought I could get through ONE of my pregnancies not afraid but I am and I dont know how to change that now.

 Rainbow pregnancies are scary and no one should ever make someone feel like their feelings are not valid.  No one will ever truly know what its like to get through one.  If you are able to get pregnant with a rainbow you will need BIG huge balls to get through it, cause you cant do anything to calm yourself other than YOU calming yourself.  Ever try to do that with bleeding?? Yeah...I have...and I honestly dont know how I will mentally make it the rest of this pregnancy.  ALL I ask is that I take this baby home and raise it here on Earth.  Seems like a simple request, but when you have everything against you...seems like you are asking for a miracle.  I have one miracle right here, did I meet my quota??  I dont know....

Red blood...enough said

I have not been blogging much because I usually write at night, and I am my sickest at night.  This week my dr said my continued weight loss and the fact I cant drink liquids without puking warranted a little help.  So he gave me tigan.  He said it was the mildest and safe.  I took it.  It worked. I felt so much better and I can honestly say its been 5 days since I puked last.  I can even drink water.  I stopped taking the meds friday (he gave them to me thursday).

Yesterday started like any other lazy saturday.  It was so beautiful that we spent the day in our yard lounging out and playing ball with our son.  I had to pee so I went inside and when I wiped I seen a stripe of brown.  Brown??  Is it that mucus thing again?  Was it my eyes from being outside so long?  I went right away and put on white underwear.  I waited a few minutes and checked.  Brown, and it more on the maroon side than the brown side.  "Its probably that mucus thing again, just call the Dr and see what he says", I said to myself.  Before I even did that I checked the HB on my doppler.  Thankfully I have been able to hear the HB for the last 2 weeks.  What a relief it has brought to me.  HB was strong as usual, so I grab my phone and call.  My dr gets on the phone and says "Come on it and let me check it out."  He didnt seem concerned, but wanted to help ease my mind.

What happened next was not anything I expected.  I have tried my BEST to keep the positive attitude.  To take bump pics each week.  To share pineapple's updates with my family.  Basically doing everything opposite of what I did for my 1st rainbow so I would have more happier moments in this pregnancy.

My dr checks and asks for a swab from the nurse.  That was odd?  He never did that last time.  it felt like 20minutes of swabbing in there (probably 3min) he finally says "OK cervix is closed, but there is a lot of red blood.  RED???? WTF???  He goes to throw the swab into the trash next to him and I lost it.  It resembled what a tampon would look like.  Completely covered it BRIGHT RED blood.  Next came the u/s and they were trying to calm me down by letting me see the baby was ok.  fluid was great, HB was still strong and there was no blood inside the baby.  He thought maybe he seen what appeared to be a Subchorionic Hematoma and documented it for my chart, but was not 100% with it.  He kept trying to remind me the cervix was closed, and I kept reminding HIM that I had red blood INSIDE me.  All I did was cry.  I couldnt help it.  I was tired of being strong.  I was tired of thinking positive.  All those thoughts didnt do anything to prevent this.  I just kept saying "no...no...I cant do that again".....Typing the words has me in tears.

He put me on strict bed rest for 48hrs and I am to go in on monday morning to have my cervix checked again.  I was given instructions to call if I experienced any cramping or pain. 

I feel like someone ripped my hope right out of my heart.  I will say it again, the doppler has kept me sane for the last 23hrs, but I would be lying if I didnt put that wand to my belly anticipating the worst.  I feel so alone.  Well its happening to me, and in me, so I cant really expect anyone else to know what this is like for me. 

I sent my son to stay over my moms house last night so that I didnt have to worry about neglecting him while I stood laying down.  My husband has been laid off so he has been doing most of the stuff around here. 

My dr just kept asking if I did anything strenuous, any heavy lifting.  He asked me so many things and said so many scientific words I just stopped hearing him.  I literally froze in that office and went numb.  I just kept thinking "Am I going to have a miscarriage now?  Is this how it starts?  Im just going to wait and see if another baby will die?"  He reminded me that the lovenox was on our side and helping this baby.  "Positive thoughts!!  You have to focus on the fact the cervix is closed"  I didnt even answer him.  I just grabbed the u/s picture, wondering if it would be the last, and walked out....

I sat in my car with my head resting on the steering wheel and just cried.  Begging God to please let this baby live.  Crying my daughters name to help save this baby.  To save me. 

A few months before we began ttc I dreamt many times about losing another baby (boy) to a m/c.  I keep wondering if that was a premonition of what is yet to come. 

Today is BLM mothers day.  "Still Standing" is what everyone is chanting.  Im not standing.  Im laying down trying to do what ever I can do to stop another baby from dying.  Forgive me if today I dont feel like being proud of being a BLM.  Today I fucking HATE being a BLM.  Today I wonder if I made a huge mistake by stopping smoking, drinking, and eating non organic food.  Today I am angry that BLOOD is coming out of my vagina while my baby is growing inside.  I planned a whole day for my daughter & me today.  I was going to go to the cemetery.  It would be the 1st time I went there pregnant.  Every time I try to go the weather isnt in my favor, or Ive been sick.

Today I am SICK to my stomach at the people who are jealous of rainbow pregnancies.  YOU should be ashamed of yourself for being envious of my pregnancy.  Are you happy now?  Has your jealousy done its job?  I wonder if you will care for this baby if it dies.  You know what I say to that?? FUCK YOU. My children DEAD & ALIVE mean the world to me and if you were a true friend, they would mean the world to you too.  I hope this baby lives.  I dont want to go into a dark place again.  I was finally STANDING again for a while, but now I dont know what to think...

All I can do is pray.  Not that it will make any difference, I prayed for my daughter to please move, kick....etc...she didnt.  She was dead.

This doppler, and my constant checking my underwear is all I can do until I am back at the drs tomorrow.  I was relieved there was no more red blood, but there is some spotting now, so who knows...

I dont know anything anymore...All I know is that I am angry I cant just have a NORMAL boring pregnancy like every skank drug addict in this world~!!

A precious heart beat

I love my drs office!!  As soon as the tech was in the office I went right in.  He actually cancelled appointments he made for today due to an emergency delivery, but she had me go in and not only that, but skip the other preggos that were waiting for her to check them.

Within seconds I was undressed and being scanned.  That perfect beautiful little heart beat was beating so strong.  so much easier to see today than the other day.  "Do you see it??" She asked.."YES!!!!!"  Then she let me hear it...I started to bawl "Oh no dont cry, you are going to need tissues, I dont have tissues!!"  I couldnt help it...that sound...that sound was music to my ears!!!  I cant tell you how differently I envisioned this appointment.  I went alone.  I dont like to take my son there because I always worry about those that recently lost a child.  I remember how much I hated waiting in there after my daughter died, watching all those kids running and playing.

I came home and cried some more.  I was so afraid of hearing those fucking words again.  How can it be there is no vomiting this week and last week there was plenty? (this is a rhetorical question please dont tell me this is ok, i am simply expressing my feelings) I know all pregnancies are different but the 2 I already has were eerily the same except for the outcome.  My anxiety about having a dead baby inside me again lessons when I puke.  It just makes those words "Oh thats a good sign!!" make sense.  Whats the sign for preggos that dont puke?  Its a bad sign...right?  That was what worried me, and that is why I went in and I WILL go in as often as I need to.

The fears of a rainbow pregnancy are something you just cant explain unless you have experienced it.  I say this with the most respect..PLEASE do not tell me to calm down or relax.  Do not down play my feelings.  I am in a very fragile state.  I almost bought an u/s machine online to calm myself down, but luckily my drs office offered to have me there as often as I needed.  The tech even gave me her cell number today as she hugged me and said she completely understands my fears, yet she has never once been pregnant herself.  I held one dead baby, Im not in the market of holding any more.

I need this space to be safe for me....Its my selfish place.  I say what I cant say IRL because no one can truly understand me.  So please stop reading this blog if you cant handle what is here.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  I appreciated every one!

Symptoms???

Is it possible to remedy yourself completely?

I finally got rid of this stupid cold. yesterday I didnt puke at all following my moms advice of small meals and bay leaf water in between.  Today I feel pretty good, too good!  I have a pretty big appetite which I usually dont have this early on and not so close to the days I was puking and nauseous all day. I ended up puking it ALL and so hard that I broke capillaries in my face and i look like a marked dots all over my face and neck.

I am freaking out....like I feel less pregnant than usual.  Im so nervous I called my drs office but they were all gone for the day.  Other than not puking again I dont see a rational reason to go to L&D and exposing myself to disgusting germs.  I am going to call first thing tomorrow and have them scan me.  I cant wait until thursday, Im literally going crazy smelling things that just a few days ago made me gag.  Today?  Today they smell good again </33333  Something about this doesnt seem right.  I was even able to drink regular water again.  cold from the bottle.  the idea a few days ago made me gag let alone actually doing it.

I am so afraid I have not even said a word of this to my husband.

I feel a little nauseous but thats all....THAT is all??  How??  I know every pregnancy is different but I dont assume symptoms go away this quickly when just saturday I was feeling like total shit.

Please pray for me, my sanity and my sweet little pineapple =*(

Part 2..sorry for the delay!!

So sorry for the delay...Croup had gotten the best of us here the last few days.  my son is doing better which is a relief, but I am not. I have caught it, but the adult version, which is a sore throat and a head cold.  ugh.

Thursdays appointment went well.  We seen and heard a beautiful little heart beat.  The tech knew how nervous I was so once my husband got into the room she went in right away.  Before I could even see the screen she said "Ok, you can relax there is a heartbeat, I just have to measure a few things before I can show you but I dont want you to worry"....whew!!!

I have to say the experience this time was completely different from my daughter and my son.  With my daughter I had had on and off spotting which was sometimes pink.  When it came time for the HB I was extremely scared and unsure.  When it came time for my son I was petrified.  The last time I had to have an u/s I was told my daughter died...so to me the u/s machine was the devil.  When I seen his heartbeat I cried hysterical.  This time I knew there would be one.  I mean I wasnt afraid of there not being one.  I feel very pregnant.  The nausea and vomiting is in full effect.  I have been able to curb the vomiting with my moms remedies and advice, but the nausea is there all day and all night.  There is nothing I 'want' to eat.  the thought of food makes me want to puke.  I love it because I know things are moving along.  This is how it is when I am pregnant.  Gender doesnt seem to matter since it was the same way with my other two.  You would think 'by now' I would know what works, but I am still learning, even 3rd time in.

Today is my daughters due date.  I remember her whole pregnancy not feeling 'attached' to that day.  when people would ask when I was due I would always say "Sometime in march".  I just didnt think she would be born that day.  Intuition?  Not sure.  But I dont feel a sadness with this day.  After she died I had a day in bed on her due date.  Not because of the day, but because now pregnancy wasnt the issue anymore, the triggers would become babies.  She should be born 'by now'....and 3 years later there are still things she should be doing 'by now'....like helping her little brother color eggs this week, or take a ride on the train in the mall, or egg hunt tomorrow with her older cousins.  Instead I am the only one who remembers, who cares, or who thinks of it.  But like I said, it wasnt sad today.  Its just another reminder of the goal I didnt get to meet with her.

Next u/s is set for thursday.  Thank you for the kind words and thoughts.  You are a true friend for sticking by me during this amazingly scary and exciting time!! And I love you for it!