I have not been blogging much because I usually write at night, and I am my sickest at night. This week my dr said my continued weight loss and the fact I cant drink liquids without puking warranted a little help. So he gave me tigan. He said it was the mildest and safe. I took it. It worked. I felt so much better and I can honestly say its been 5 days since I puked last. I can even drink water. I stopped taking the meds friday (he gave them to me thursday).
Yesterday started like any other lazy saturday. It was so beautiful that we spent the day in our yard lounging out and playing ball with our son. I had to pee so I went inside and when I wiped I seen a stripe of brown. Brown?? Is it that mucus thing again? Was it my eyes from being outside so long? I went right away and put on white underwear. I waited a few minutes and checked. Brown, and it more on the maroon side than the brown side. "Its probably that mucus thing again, just call the Dr and see what he says", I said to myself. Before I even did that I checked the HB on my doppler. Thankfully I have been able to hear the HB for the last 2 weeks. What a relief it has brought to me. HB was strong as usual, so I grab my phone and call. My dr gets on the phone and says "Come on it and let me check it out." He didnt seem concerned, but wanted to help ease my mind.
What happened next was not anything I expected. I have tried my BEST to keep the positive attitude. To take bump pics each week. To share pineapple's updates with my family. Basically doing everything opposite of what I did for my 1st rainbow so I would have more happier moments in this pregnancy.
My dr checks and asks for a swab from the nurse. That was odd? He never did that last time. it felt like 20minutes of swabbing in there (probably 3min) he finally says "OK cervix is closed, but there is a lot of red blood. RED???? WTF??? He goes to throw the swab into the trash next to him and I lost it. It resembled what a tampon would look like. Completely covered it BRIGHT RED blood. Next came the u/s and they were trying to calm me down by letting me see the baby was ok. fluid was great, HB was still strong and there was no blood inside the baby. He thought maybe he seen what appeared to be a Subchorionic Hematoma and documented it for my chart, but was not 100% with it. He kept trying to remind me the cervix was closed, and I kept reminding HIM that I had red blood INSIDE me. All I did was cry. I couldnt help it. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of thinking positive. All those thoughts didnt do anything to prevent this. I just kept saying "no...no...I cant do that again".....Typing the words has me in tears.
He put me on strict bed rest for 48hrs and I am to go in on monday morning to have my cervix checked again. I was given instructions to call if I experienced any cramping or pain.
I feel like someone ripped my hope right out of my heart. I will say it again, the doppler has kept me sane for the last 23hrs, but I would be lying if I didnt put that wand to my belly anticipating the worst. I feel so alone. Well its happening to me, and in me, so I cant really expect anyone else to know what this is like for me.
I sent my son to stay over my moms house last night so that I didnt have to worry about neglecting him while I stood laying down. My husband has been laid off so he has been doing most of the stuff around here.
My dr just kept asking if I did anything strenuous, any heavy lifting. He asked me so many things and said so many scientific words I just stopped hearing him. I literally froze in that office and went numb. I just kept thinking "Am I going to have a miscarriage now? Is this how it starts? Im just going to wait and see if another baby will die?" He reminded me that the lovenox was on our side and helping this baby. "Positive thoughts!! You have to focus on the fact the cervix is closed" I didnt even answer him. I just grabbed the u/s picture, wondering if it would be the last, and walked out....
I sat in my car with my head resting on the steering wheel and just cried. Begging God to please let this baby live. Crying my daughters name to help save this baby. To save me.
A few months before we began ttc I dreamt many times about losing another baby (boy) to a m/c. I keep wondering if that was a premonition of what is yet to come.
Today is BLM mothers day. "Still Standing" is what everyone is chanting. Im not standing. Im laying down trying to do what ever I can do to stop another baby from dying. Forgive me if today I dont feel like being proud of being a BLM. Today I fucking HATE being a BLM. Today I wonder if I made a huge mistake by stopping smoking, drinking, and eating non organic food. Today I am angry that BLOOD is coming out of my vagina while my baby is growing inside. I planned a whole day for my daughter & me today. I was going to go to the cemetery. It would be the 1st time I went there pregnant. Every time I try to go the weather isnt in my favor, or Ive been sick.
Today I am SICK to my stomach at the people who are jealous of rainbow pregnancies. YOU should be ashamed of yourself for being envious of my pregnancy. Are you happy now? Has your jealousy done its job? I wonder if you will care for this baby if it dies. You know what I say to that?? FUCK YOU. My children DEAD & ALIVE mean the world to me and if you were a true friend, they would mean the world to you too. I hope this baby lives. I dont want to go into a dark place again. I was finally STANDING again for a while, but now I dont know what to think...
All I can do is pray. Not that it will make any difference, I prayed for my daughter to please move, kick....etc...she didnt. She was dead.
This doppler, and my constant checking my underwear is all I can do until I am back at the drs tomorrow. I was relieved there was no more red blood, but there is some spotting now, so who knows...
I dont know anything anymore...All I know is that I am angry I cant just have a NORMAL boring pregnancy like every skank drug addict in this world~!!
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