OVULATED FOR SURE!!!!!

When the nurse drew my blood Tuesday night to see if I ovulated at all I was pretty nervous.  Even though the dr had seen what appeared to be the beginning of ovulation and a corpus luteum, I was afraid to hear the results.  I asked if they would call me, and the nurse said it would be fine for me to call, but since it was late in the evening the results may take until today to be there.  She was right, there were none yesterday.

Today on the way home from a much needed play date with my friend and her rainbows, I called.  I felt like I was on hold forever.  Not only did she come on the phone addressing me by NAME, she was happy for me.  She was happy to report I in fact DID ovulate!!  Doesnt seem likely I have PCOS, but I have about 500 blood tests to complete tomorrow and that should give more in depth answers.  "Good luck!!" she said before we hung up.  I met this nurse for a few minutes.  Yet here she was excited for me??  What a great team I have become a part of.  I asked her "How accurate are the numbers" and she said with such a cheerful voice, "They are 100% accurate, dont worry ____You were definitely ovulating!!!"  I learned more today that this dr I am seeing doesnt just see anyone.  He sees women who have had some type of  a 'story'.  Whether it be a loss or infertility, his team of nurses only come across women like us.  And I guess you have to be compassionate when these are the mothers you are helping, right?

I had her on bluetooth in the car.  My son was asleep in the car seat from playing all day.  I let out the biggest "YESSS!!!!" ever, when she hung up!  They reality sunk in.  I think it took like 40 seconds.  "What am I excited about?  I knew I was ovulating!!  I know my body!  This just proves I was right.  This is what I was afraid of.  This fkn pai is rejecting my babies from implanting".

In a sick twisted way I think I was hoping (not really but you know what I mean) that I didnt ovulate and that was why I didnt get pregnant.  I think I would have handled that better than knowing I could
 possibly be losing babies before I even know they are there every month. sigh...either scenario sucks and I really hope that this time sticks!

Last night was the 1st night of the new meds cocktail.  Seriously??  Progesterone is like a street drug!! I felt like I was high.  I could barely text, type or keep my eyes open.  I had some weird dreams too!  I woke up with a massive headache.  Similar to a headache you have after you take too much melatonin OR when you drank more than you can handle.  The part I feel awful about typing is as much as this headache sucks balls, I am kind of excited to get some sleep.  Insomnia has finally met its match LMAO!  Good thing was the metformin didnt hurt my stomach like many said it might.  I thought maybe it was just because I had only 1 dose, but 3 doses later, stomach is still ok.  I felt a little nauseous today, but it reminded me of being pregnant and I kind of welcomed it.  Even had some heartburn too.

Its hard to wonder what the outcome of this will be.  I want to feel hopeful, but I also know too much.  Sometimes I wish I didnt know as much as I do and still have had the lovenox.  So basically ALL the preventative measures with NO knowledge of why I needed them...nice huh?  I would be an insurance companies nightmare if I got that passed as a law.  Sick world we live in that we wait until babies die to find out WHY babies die.

We are all in now...

I am feeling so grateful to so many mommas tonight.  Its so bittersweet.  So many women willing to give me advice and tips on the metformin, prometrium and (if i have it) PCOS.  Its sad to know how many of us there really are.  But its comforting to know I can turn to any one of you for help.

The one thing that is great about BLMs is the amount of info you can get in hours LOL.  It can be better than google too, because the info that is presented to you is presented in a way that makes you cautious and doesnt make you want to jump off a roof.

I picked up the meds today.  Im still feeling apprehensive about this whole thing.  I dont know why.  Im so scared to lose another baby, but Im really worried about the getting pregnant part too.  But unless I take this risk I will never know if I missed my chance.  Quitters never win right?

I called for the results of the ovulation test, but they were not back yet.  I took the test pretty late last night so I wasnt surprised.  I should have them early tomorrow.  Blood work appointment is set for Friday.

I took my 1st set of pills tonight, and based on the feedback I have gotten from Metformin, I should be shitting down my leg at some point 0_o.  So far so good though<---and I probably just jinxed myself.

It feels weird taking progesterone, especially when I never had progesterone issues.  But I liked his view on them so I wasnt hesitant to take them.  It never hurts to have more help.  And again based on the feedback seems like the pill is easier to deal with so that is also good.

Its been a really sad day for me.  Im really tired of feeling this way, but I know its not going to go away until after her birthday passes.  So I will just give myself the benefit of the doubt and allow myself this time to grieve.  But all the information I got yesterday is slowly sinking in and I am feeling sorry for myself.  I really hate that.  Im not a cry baby or a complainer.  I dont feel I am better than anyone so the 'why me' isnt hitting me as much as the 'how many things do I have to have?',  is.  I just cant believe that almost 3 years later I am still hearing more shit about what happened, and what could happen

BLAH. I stopped talking to my therapist because I got tired of saying the same things.  Im started to feel the same way about this and its only been a few months of knowing I have it and all its causing.  But we are all in now.  The trying, the meds, and now the waiting.

Dr appt update...

Im sorry to have kept you all waiting this long.  There was a lot of information given and I just needed to absorb it all.

The office is beautiful, the staff is friendly and respectful.  They all addressed me by name, even those women I had no direction connection with.  I was really impressed.

First thing we did was the consult with the nurse where she asked all the normal questions.  We spoke about my daughters pregnancy, birth and death.  Family history.  My sons pregnancy and birth etc.

I was then brought into an exam room.  The u/s tech introduced herself and gave me time to change.  The Dr came in and we introduced ourselves.  The u/s tech began the exam with a transvaginal u/s.  I was pretty shocked by that.  Within minutes the Dr began pointing out the "fundal fibroid".  And before I knew it there were 5. 2 of which are 'twins' connected to each other.  the are all in the uterine lining.  Then he says "You have not ovulated as of yet, the uterine line doesnt show any signs of progesterone." Again I was shocked to see how much I was hearing about my uterus in like 10min.  They began to look at my ovaries for PCOS.  He pointed out my left ovary has about 3 cysts but "nothing to write home about. And its not enough to directly indicate you have PCOS, which would be connected to the PAI".  The other ovary how ever did show signs of a corpes luteum and from what he can tell I ovulated early today, which would explain why the uterus walls didnt show anything yet.

We spoke about how the last time I had a fibroid I was pregnant with my daughter.  He explained how half of women have them and they do not pose any problems.  Drs like to 'blame' loss on fibroids when they do not take the time to look more into the reasons for child loss.  He STRESSED for me not to google because I will be very scared about what it will tell me.  He said unless it was blocking the tubes or cervix it would not affect my fertility.

He pointed out my c section scar and how poorly it healed.  He also said that it make pose an issue in a pregnancy and would need to be monitored closely.  For what?  For uterine rupture, like I already didnt have enough to fucking worry about!!!

We spoke about our failed attempts at ttc.  He said that many woman with PAI will have months were they dont ovulate, and months where they do.  It has some to do with PCOS and it has some to do with the insulin issues it brings. (dont remember exactly how he put it). But since he didnt examine me those times he cant say if I did or didnt.  He actually does not thing baby aspirin had anything at ALL to do with me not ovulating.  The dosage was not strong enough to affect it negatively.  So as far as he is concerned we may have actually conceived (like I suspected) and the baby didnt stick.  He said 60%...SIXTY% of women with PAI will have lost a baby before they even get their period because implantation fails....thats a high number, right?  He said that I am not too 'old' but with what I have it may be the reason I have been struggling.  The younger you are the easier it is.  He fears though, that if I dont ttc that eventually I will stop ovulating all together.  That is when he scared me into knowing I need to take action NOW.

He was so sympathetic to my stillbirth.  He was shocked that the OB for her birth would have just said it was a "fluke" when the findings he sees in front of him in her autopsy all point to clotting issues.  He was happy to see that lovenox worked for my son, but that because of my recent issues he wants to introduce some new treatments for my plan.

I asked him about the 'sticky thing'.  I have never asked a dr about this because I never needed direction on how to TTC.  He told me that it doesnt mean you ovulated that day, but that ovulation will occur in a few days.  Its a good indication that things are working 'properly' but that not every will notice it.  Of course I do because I have it happening, and I really dont know how you could miss it???

Metformin is one.  I have seen this word around, but dont know much about it.  I will have to take 2 a day. 1 in the morning and 1 at night.  He said that it may upset my stomach and if I was to get pregnant I would take it until 12w.  The other is prometrium.  He said it will help to sustain a healthy pregnancy.  The last 'new' thing is Metanx.  It is a vitamin specifically for MTHFR patients, and get this!! HE himself suffers from MTHFR and takes it as well, every day, for the rest of his life.  He is a miracle baby.  His mother almost lost him, and bled for almost 5months of her pregnancy.  He is probably in his 50s/60s.

He asked about my history with depression and how I treat it.  I told him the truth, I dont take any meds and dont want to.  I meditate and paint, and due to the fact I am NOT suicidal, it works for me.  And he agreed.  He was really happy with my diet and way of living.  He said I didnt need to stop drinking completely, that a glass of red wine would not only be ok, but it would be beneficial for me.  Too bad I like heinekens LOL, which he said "Oh no, thats no good" haha!

This dr told me that I will get pregnant.  He doesnt think I will have much trouble, especially with this little cocktail of pills I will be on.  But he doesnt think I am in a position to pick and choose which months I want to ttc.  He actually sent me home with 'homework' to dtd since we will know for sure (with the blood work i took tonight) if I actually did ovulate this morning.  The egg will only be good for 24hrs.

If it doesnt work this time, more testing will be done.  I am not sure how much I am willing to do before I have to accept its not going to happen.

I cried, but not as much as you would think.  I kind of knew everything he told me, I just needed a wand to confirm it.  I knew I was ovulating but I wasnt sure.  I knew PAI was the problem, but I wasnt sure.  I knew we probably did conceive, but we will never truly know.

I have a ton of blood work to do tomorrow.  I have to pick up the new meds.  I have a prescription for a beta count to be done in 12-14 days.  When he handed me that paper I nearly puked.  "You are pretty confident dr arent you?"  And he said "I am.  You are ovulating.  If it doesnt happen we will take it from there".

So there I have it.  5 fibroids, 3 cysts, I am ovulating, PAI is probably fucking with me, I may have signs of PCOS, I need to start new meds, and I LOVE this dr!

I loved knowing he had what I had, because that means he wants to know MORE about it.  He is writing a book that should be out in June.  He said they were going to have some illustrations done inside and was really impressed with the paintings I showed him ( I showed him the 2 recent ones I did for my daughter).  He nearly teared up with the one with the mom handing the baby to the Angel.  He told me it was the most precious thing he has ever seen.

He was compassionate, knowledgeable, supportive, positive, and above all..HE DIDNT BULLSHIT ME.  What I have isnt a joke.  Its actually connected to type 2 diabetes and he tested me for that too.  Its not just a pregnancy thing, its a life thing.

Tonight we ttc.  Now we wait and see....

Thank you for the prayers, texts, messages and love.  I felt it all.  XOXOXO

The Invisible Man

If someone asked me what grief feels like, almost 3 years later, I would definitely say its different.  Now I feel like grief is an invisible man.  He walks right behind me.  He has his hands wrapped around me neck, and every so often he squeezes.  Just a little.  Just enough to cut off the air I breath.  Sometimes he sticks his legs in front of me and I trip, and when I look up all I see is the past, and where  I used to be.  Sometimes he covers my eyes so I cant see anything else.  Sometimes he takes his arms and goes right into my heart and punches it.

And last night?  Last night it felt as though he held the pillow over my face and forced me to remember everything that was, and all that will never be.

If there is anything I can say about "hate", I hate this life.  I found so many letters I wrote my best friends while I was pregnant.  I think the hardest to find were the "99 bottles of milk on the walls".  I started this countdown when I only had 99 days left...I really believed that at the end of this countdown I would be fine.  I also found a letter I wrote thanking them for the incredible baby shower.  In this letter I could feel how happy we all were, and how excited to have her HERE we would be.  I felt like I was watching a horrible baby loss movie.  It played out so slow in my mind, and I knew how it ended.  It did not end how this family was hoping.  Instead each person in those letters will leave this bereaved mother at some point.  Each letter of hopes and dreams will now be nothing but a memory of what could have been.

Those images I had about all her special things would never get put to use.  Instead I will just have this aching pain in my heart for the rest of my life because it really did happen.  She was here.  I was happy.  She died.  And my life will never be the same.  Some days I feel like I have that invisible man in a head lock and I can kick his ass.  Some days it feels like the complete opposite.

3 years ago today I was joining a lamaze class.  There were 3 other couples.  But we were all due around the same time.  It was all our 'firsts'.  I was that 1 in 4 in that class.  And I bet they never knew.  Our last class what 4 days before she was born.  Ironically the birthing class.  I was more than prepared...yet didnt expect it to be a dead baby.

Today?  3 years later I am feeling as though I am having to relive all the pain and guilt of her death by going to find out what is wrong with me.  A new beginning today.  But for what, I have no idea yet.

Im just really sad and scared...I hate the invisible man...

Tomorrow..

When AF showed up I told my husband it was over.  I didnt want to talk about TTC.  I didnt want to go to a Dr.  I didnt want to be reminded that what took my daughter has also taken away my chances.  We talked for a long time.  Probably one of the most deepest talks we had our whole relationship.  He didnt want to give up, and I was tired of proving what I know about PAI-1.    

Then I came across the links about baby aspirin and realized that it was the only new thing I had introduced during these rounds of TTC.  So I stopped.  This weekend I seen the infamous 'sticky thing'...FOR REAL.... I was reminded that I had not seen this in a while.  So its possible that at tomorrow's appointment I will hear I ovulated this month. And since I dont have any proof that I didnt ovulate the last few months, there is really no way of knowing if baby aspirin was the blame.  

We dtd pretty often.  Its one of the things that never changed for  us, even after our children.  Its a relief.  With all that has changed in our relationship, its very special that we still have this connection to keep us grounded.  Since we do, I made sure to avoid it this weekend.  I knew my husband wasnt going to give up and I knew I needed to hear more info before we took that leap again.  Last night we had a date night.  Nothing fancy.  We really never need to do anything but just be together and watch a movie to reconnect.  

We dtd.  I had told him just a few days before not to leave it in..(sorry tmi but this is my space)

He did...

I am finding myself in a very awkward position now.  I trusted him to respect that I needed more answers before I got my heart broken again and he didnt listen!  But in the same breath I felt a sense of relief.  It wasnt forced.  It wasnt calculated.  It may not even mean anything.  But I dont feel the pressure I felt the last few months.

Maybe because I didnt know it was going to happen?  Maybe because for the 1st time we really were just having fun since it was not connected to ttc??  Maybe I am trying to convince myself these things so that I dont feel like someone stepped on my heart when AF is due in 2 weeks....My official day to ovulate is tomorrow (based on the site I use) but based on my experience with the 'sticky thing' I may have already ovulated Sat night.

The thing that is different this month is he didnt know I would be ovulating.  I didnt tell him like I had been the last few times.  I am really scared to think either way....

Tomorrow is the dreaded appt.  I hate to say it like that because the staff at this office has went beyond anything you would expect!!  They treat me over the phone as if they know me for years!!  It feels like home, even though its all new.  My heart has been racing since they called to confirm the appt. I am a nervous wreck.  I dont know how I will get through talking about her autopsy results.  I dont know how I will handle him revealing if I actually did ovulate...or didnt.  The nurse said they will do an u/s and be able to tell that way, but I am sure I will be taking 50 viles of blood tests.  After all its the damn blood that has brought me to him.  If you have read this and made it this far, please bust out your pineapples if you are hoping this isnt over for me yet.  I would love the chance to mother more children.  I was born for this.  But I am so afraid to hear that those will just have to be dreams of mine, like so many others.

Thank you <3

Good Vibes!

I finally felt like I fit in today!  I was really impressed with the girls I met last week that werent really 'my type', they remembered my sons name, and I am glad I gave them a second chance.  They encouraged him and cheered for him as he played.  They acted as if they knew him for months.  And there wasnt any competition today..To be honest the 'main one' who competed last week was pretty quiet so maybe she is the ring leader?  Hopefully she was having a bad week last week and today was how she really is.  I liked her much better today, and my son LOVES this woman!!  He was holding her hand dragging her around it was so sweet and he feels so comfortable with her, wasnt such a fan of the other one from last week though.  She reached her arms out to pick him up and he snubbed her LOL.  I always wonder if kids can sense good vibes n bad vibes?    

I finally connected with a mom on so many levels.  We didnt share too many details about ourselves (so she doesnt know 'my story'), but we shared alot of how we parent and it was really refreshing.  I didnt feel like the odd ball out.  When she said "We are both police officers.  I work the night shifts and I am home before he wakes up and with him all day.  Its really nice to be able to spend the day with him and eat dinner as a family.  I prefer the night shift.  I sacrifice sleep so that I can spend as much time with him as possible."<---Literally quoting how she said it.  My jaw dropped.  I told her, "Wow you are the 1st person I have met to say they dont care if they lose sleep for their kids" (non-blm).  She smiled.  I think she felt the same about me.  She and I related on so many things!  She didnt look at me like I had 50 heads for wanting my son to eat healthy.  In fact, that is how her son eats too!!  She didnt look at me strange when I said I had never heard of "open play" before, and she even offered some other activities that we may be interested in around our neighborhood.  She was so helpful, without that condescending tone you sometimes come across from BTDT moms.  Wish more moms (non blm) were like this.  

Her son loves sports too, he is only 1 month older than my son and can also play basketball and baseball already, just like mine.  He is polite and friendly.  He knows how to share.  They played 'catch' with the balloons.  It was really nice and it was even nicer to see my son making friends.

Although my boy was really staying to himself most of the time today, which is unlike him.  All he wanted to do was go down the slides and climb, which was fine.  He doesnt need to be interactive with everyone all the time. We laughed for 2 hours straight, and I was even surprised at how fast the time went today!!  What a great day and what great memories made together!  It was so much fun my son cried when we left.  It was so funny because he usually just blows a kiss and says "bye bye" without any issues when we leave somewhere, even the grocery store!  He was throwing himself from my arms, crying, saying "no no mommy!! pay(play)!!"  

I cant say enough good things about this experience today.  Im so glad I didnt get discouraged from last week.  I didnt have to be a "BLM" today.  I was a mom and they respected that.  I even felt comfortable enough to ask for some parenting tips!!  Thats big for me, because I dont really trust anyone.  

All good things right?  Well there were a few moments where I just had to change the subject very nonchalant.  There was talk about "the next one" and "their older one" and today...for ONE TIME..I didnt want to get in that conversation.  Does that make me bad?  I didnt want to be the BLM, I didnt want to be the girl struggling TTC, I didnt want to be the one who was "done having kids because her body is done"  TODAY..I just wanted to be a mom at a play group with her son.  I feel guilty for that, but its draining and I really need a mental break from my reality sometimes.

Justifiable Complaining.

The one thing I love about having this space again is my ability to say what ever the eff I want without worrying.  Its like my very own public diary.  And the other great part about this is that if you dont agree with what I say a simple click on the "x" will close this little window filled with my thoughts and you can keep it moving.


I was pregnant with many of my friends with my first.  One of the ones I was closest with in due dates, was a long time friend.  Her son and my daughter were "boy friend & girl friend".  It was really fun planning their life together.  A few weeks after my daughter died, her son was born.  I heard this news as I was walking out of therapy in the same building in which my daughter just died.  Talk about bad timing.  So being I was still in the 'fog' and not really sure of how I was supposed to handle it, I did what I would assume people expected.  I called her.  I held the phone to my ear as the tears silently streamed down my face.  My eyes can fill up with water right now as I type this, because the memory is still so vivid.  I listened to her tell me normal mom things.  She told me about how she was living in a fog.  She didnt know what day or night was because she "took my advice" and did decide to breast feed, and her son is up all the time demanding the breast.  She was exhausted.  She?

Had I not just had to figure out magical ways to STOP my  milk from coming in, maybe this wouldnt have bothered me.  Had I not just had engorged breasts for 2 weeks after she was born, maybe this wouldnt bother me.  Had I not been the only mother on the phone to never experience a word of what she was talking about, maybe this wouldnt bother me.  But it did, and it still does, and it changed our friendship forever.

There is such a thing as justifiable complaining (Im going to add that to my made up word patent list too).  It just really needs to be directed to the right audience.  Only after my son was born did I understand much of what other 'moms' spoke about.  Most people would assume my son is the most perfect child.  They must think he slept 14hrs from birth.  That he never cried.  That he never was fussy.  That he behaves 24/7.  That I never have to count down the seconds to when its bed time.  ALL of that is false.  He is NORMAL.  The reason why I dont choose to bad mouth his behavior to the rest of the world, is simple.  All the things I just listed are normal child things.  It doesnt need to be told.  If you have a living child, you know what they do.  And if you dont, my posts about how I didnt sleep at all last night will mean nothing to you and make me sound ungrateful.  Or how he threw my phone across the room and cracked the screen, hit both my dogs with his little broom, threw the remote at the TV, climbed up onto the display area and broke my glass vase, broke my oil burner, took all his clothes out of the draws after I just put them away, climbed onto the table and threw all the fruit on the floor, dumped the dogs water all over the floor, squeeze a whole bottle of syrup on the floor, peed everywhere but in the potty all day, etc etc etc...You get it?? H is NORMAL...he does what everyone else is doing, I just dont need to cry about it.  I actually laughed at all the things I just listed.  But sometimes?  Sometimes I look at the clock and wonder when its going to say 7:30 so he can go to bed...because I AM NORMAL TOO.

I was VERY grateful he didnt sleep more than 3hrs straight until 13 months.  You know why?  Because I knew he was alive.  Because I was already up wondering why he didnt get up yet?  Because I wanted to be up all night and I waited far too long for that too happen.  Did it make me cranky?  No, see I have a special needs dog that is sick all night.  Its been like this for 4years now.  SO I already didnt sleep and I already had that practice.  But it did become interesting when I had one awake ready to eat and the other awake regurgitating and having an attack at the same time.  Or when one just finished and one just started....

I find that there are just some things people dont need to hear 400x a day.  If you have chosen the life you live, you should expect it to be full of different kinds of days.  If you have more than 1 child to raise, you should expect that getting up in the morning isnt going to be a 10min deal.  Its a given.  You have more than 1 person to feed, dress, and get ready for the day.  You have more than 1 person to get in the car and out of the car and into the shopping cart and how your children behave is a reflection of your parenting.  There.  I said it.  (This is NOT in relation to special needs or behavioral issues those actually have opened my eyes up and i NEVER judge a child in public that has the clear signs of kid with either of those)  I am talking about the people who choose to have more children than they have arms and then complain 24/7 about how they cant handle them.  I DONT want to hear about it, and guess what?  Neither does the rest of the world.  This isnt venting.  This to me sounds like someone who wants some type of award for doing what THEY chose to do.  If you want to say I am bitter because I cant have anymore.  That is fine.  You can think that, but I will tell you that is not the case at all.  Each time I packed up my son in the last few months I wondered how moms do it with more than 1.  I was already mentally strategizing for the times (I was hopeful bare with me) that I would be in that same scenario.  Of course its alot easier with 1.  Of course its alot easier with NONE.  But when you choose to continue to duplicate, you better be sure you know what you are getting yourself into.  Because the rest of the world doesnt need their faces rubbed into it.  YOU had them so YOU need to take care of them.  Period.

Does my son behave in public?  He sure does!!  And I know my limits with him.  I cant expect a toddler to sit still for very long, so my bag is constantly packed with things to distract him.  I involve him in the grocery shopping, so he actually thinks its "fun".  I on the other hand cant wait to get out of there because I like to be cozy in my house and not out shopping in the cold.  Your children do what you allow them to do.  As a child of 3 we were never allowed to act a fool ANYWHERE.  my mother didnt have any 'help'.  We had to go everywhere she went, including work.  We would play our legos or barbies in the back, while she did hair out front.  We would sit on a chair at the OBGYN while she was getting a pap.  literally.  It was all for one and one for all.  My mom never trusted baby sitters and our family was not close.  And when we even dared step out of line, all she had to do was give 'the look' and that was THAT.  Did I like it? NO.  Did I listen? YES.  Because we didnt have a choice.  And although I wont be as strict as my mother was, my son will NOT have a choice either.  There is a time and a place for everything.

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who complain and do NOTHING to fix it.  I complain about the things I cant control.  I even try to limit that.  I dont consider missing my daughter complaining.  That is not even remotely close to complaining.  That is grieving.  If you dont like something then DO something about it because your life is what you make it.  The END.

Is that hope I see??

Did I just see what I think I seen??  Was there the infamous "sticky thing" when I went to the bathroom just now?? Is this NOT over for us yet??  Im so afraid of hope.  A word that literally carried me for the last 3 years is now a word that I consider to carry more fear than "hope".  But I'd be lying if a small part of my heart didnt puff out with happiness.  Maybe there is a different future for me than I have had so far?

I dont know how to not think of this.  Seriously.  I told my husband I couldnt try again.  I couldnt allow my body to tell me what I already know, again.  I need to speak to this specialist first before I do anything for our future.  So this month isnt happening, either way.  I just cant handle more bad news days before her birthday next month.  Im trying to be as sane as I can, and lately I just feel like I just CANT WIN.

Someone suggested IVF or adoption, if the ttc process would be difficult or impossible again.  While I am sure this was brought up with good intension, do people not realize what goes into those two processes?  We dont have that kind of money.  Plus, I know a lot of stories where both didnt end well, so just like everything else I have learned in the last 3 years, its not a guarantee.  So without the old fashion way, we literally have run out of options.  And the house that was meant to be filled with running children, will have my very special boy.

What am I hoping to get out of this appointment?  This is what I keep asking myself.  Why did I even make this appointment?  Another question I keep asking myself.  At first I made it just so I can prove what I have been feeling, and that is that my body doesnt want to get pregnant anymore.  My husband wont be able to be at this appointment, so it will be just me.  Sitting there hearing my truths.  But now?  Now I am hoping this Dr tells me the baby aspirin messed up my body and that everything is looking ok.  I know I was "ok" a few days ago with the fact this may not happen, but I just cant let go of the feeling of wanting more children...I want what so many are taking for granted.

I cant help but feel robbed.  ROBBED of all the dreams I created my whole life.  How much can someone take before they lose it?

Believe me I know there are worse things I can be crying about.  But I cant control how I feel.  Mouring a daughter and mourning the children my arms will never get to cradle is very hard for me.  And I feel like no one understands.....

Heavy Hearted......

Today has been heavy on the heart...I mean heavy.

Ive been having those moments where I still can not believe this is my life.  I closed my eyes today for a few seconds and wished this was all a nightmare.  

My mother was here watching my son so I could do some painting.  The 2 paintings I finished were for her.  They are amazing!!!  But so heartbreaking to create.

The "whys" never end do they?  Why is my daughter dead?  Why is she buried in the ground in a coffin the size of a shoe box?  Why did I lose all the wonderful moments that come with your first child?  Why does it seem like everyone who has their daughters treat them like shit?  They just dont appreciate what they have!!  Its so frustrating hearing pregnant people complain all the fucking time...NEWSFLASH PREGNANCY IS HARD!!!!  NEWSFLASH NEWBORNS DONT SLEEP!!!!!  NEWSFLASH....Id give anything to have those all again.

Someone asked recently if they were being selfish for wanting more rainbows because they are also struggling?  The thought came into my head as well when I wanted to start ttc .  At first,  I felt guilty for being so hurt that this is all over now, when there are some still waiting for their 1st rainbows.  I felt guilty knowing that I was lucky to even get pregnant those 2 times I already did, when there are some who have never seen a BFP.  But you know what I reminded myself?  That there is nothing EVER wrong with wanting more children.  I never started trying for children with an end quota.  I didnt have a "I want 2, 3 or 4" kids.  I always said, ironically, I will take as many as my body allows.  I wish I never said that now.  I wish I just wished for a million LIVING children.  Then I would be able to stop on my own.

Someone asked me recently, "Doesnt the RR trigger you now?  How come you can still hear there are new rainbows on the way?"  Rainbows,to me, are one of the most amazing things in the world.  They are a glimmer of hope in a world filled with darkness.  When they bring light to my friends, they also bring light to me.  I love them ALL.  Even when I cant really deal with their mothers LOL.  Those babies I am lucky enough to watch grow have brought me so many happy days...and with those happy days they have also broken my heart when they have had to go before their time.  So to answer this person's question, I simply said, "because rainbows are not always promised, and those babies need to be celebrated."  Nothing about being a BLM is guaranteed anymore.  "Doesnt it sting to see BFPs or hear your friends are TTC soon?"  NO WAY.  Ive watched these mothers go through one of the worst things in their life, and sometimes I have watched them doing it more than id like to count.  They DESERVE this time of hope.  And they have stuck by me and I will stick by them.  And I would assume they would feel the same about me, had the shoe been on the other foot.   

But back to what I was saying....I miss my daughter BIG TIME.  Today especially.  In one month it will be 3 years I heard that she died.  I would love some advice on how to stop that flashbacks on those last days.  I would love to be able to close my eyes, open them and have all my children HERE.  I would love to have met all of you on some obnoxious mommy group where we do nothing but do what we do now...without the heart ache.

I wish there was some magical, chemical free ;-), pill I could swallow.  Almost like the cookies in Alice In Wonderand!! YES!! One of those "eat me" ones that make me grow sooo big I can reach Heaven, cuddle her in my arms and give that sweet chubby cheek just one more kiss....I would whisper the last words I ever whispered to her again..."I love you and Im so sorry"....Because I am.....

If there was ever I time I wish the calendar days would FLY BY it is now..I wish I could sleep the next month away, wake up on February 24th, and take that ever so amazing DEEP breath that lifts that weight right off my shoulder.  All the breaths I am taking feel as though I am just grasping for air right now....I feel like someone is holding an invisible pillow over my face and an invisible cinder block over my chest.

I Never Imagined This would Affect Him So Early...

I finally opened up to my mother the other day about whats been going on as far as my problems with TTC.  I have been avoiding this because as much as she has been there for me since my daughter died, she just cant relate to anything I feel or go through.  But she told me she figured we were going to try again when I asked her to watch the boy because I was going to the specialist next week.  She also had her own opinions, and I swear I just cant anymore...

I understand people want to help when they hear or see someone crying, but the best thing you can do is just listen.  "You know what you need?  You and your husband just need a few nights alone.  Let me take the baby and you guys can relax" JESUS CHRIST.  I am relaxed...WE WERE relaxed.  It was the most fun we have had in a long time.  There was no pressure.  The pressure started a few days before AF was due because I knew I wasnt pregnant.  The sadness kicked in when I seen that spotting.

I wish she didnt downplay what I have because she has it to.  "I got pregnant with all of you without a problem" right mom, but you also never had your daughter die because of it "oh stop it! Why do you always have to go there?"  Go "there"?  "What is 'there'" I asked?  "Is it the place where you have to hear what is wrong with me and realize there IS something wrong with me that made MY daughter die?  And is now preventing me from having another baby?"

I called her today on my way home.  It was such a nice day and I wanted to take my son out for a little while.  Even if it was just to run a few errands and have a slice of pizza together.  At least we were not home.   It was actually our first lunch date just us two. In babys r us there is a section with toys there for children to play with.  Since he was being so patient in the shopping cart all day I let him out to play along side the other kids.  I swear this is the part that makes this process and decision that much harder.

He walks over to the 2 little girls (sisters) and says "Me me I pay? (excuse me can I play with you)?"  The younger girl pushes his finger off the toy she is playing with.  His rejected little eyes look up at me "Mommy? I pay(play)?" and I said "The little girl is playing with that one, why dont you try to play on this side".  Clearly this little girl and her sister had no intentions of playing with him.  He looked so sad because he LOVES children.  Its really hard to watch and I usually dont get involved because I want him to learn how to interact on his own, but this time my feelings were hurt too.  Their father was right there watching.  It would have been the right thing to do for him to let his daughter know other children can play there too.  It also would have been nice if they returned a "hi!!" or "bye bye" that my son greeted them with, but nothing.  It was like he wasnt even standing there. WTF??

So back to the part where I call my mom to vent...She listens and then this comes out...Please keep in mind she NOW knows we were ttc and failed and most likely will not be able to have more children...you ready?

"oh this poor baby.  All alone at home with no one to play with.  Then he goes out and no one wants to play with him (in italian she says).  Its so depressing. What a sad life for him.  Why dont you see if you can get together with your friends so this kid has some kids around.  Why must you always keep him so alone".....

If my son was not in his car seat (she was on bluetooth so he could hear her in the speakers) I would have seriously cursed her out.  I told her "Are you kidding me?? Are you trying to have me drive directly off a bridge? You think I dont already know hes alone?  You think I dont try to have him around children? I just took him to a playgroup the other day.  Kids are mean, its not my fault!  I have enough to be blamed for already" and I hung up.  She didnt say anything I wasnt already feeling, but to hear someone pity him was really hard.

I think as he gets older my grief is changing.  Its changing more now because I see how its directly affecting him, and seeing him hurting because of this, is NOT easy.  I dont know what else to do.  We have 2 dogs that he tortures and they seriously run from him.  Its so hard to get together with my friends who have kids because of schedules and whose sick and other things going on etc.  I tried this play group and I will take him weekly (even if it means swallowing glass talking to these moms)...what else can I do?  I feel so guilty...more now than I ever did...its my fault he has no one to play with because my blood killed her

=******(((((

TV or not to TV..that is the question

I would have named this part 3 because this was actually a topic at this play group too, but I wont.  I wanted to talk about how I do it.

There are so many opinions on this and seriously, worry about your own kids.  Do what you think is right for your family and everyone will be a lot better off.  If I want advice, I will ask for it.  I dont want to read articles or links on this.  I dont want to hear what the AAP has to say on this.  If I wanted to know how you felt about it I would ask.

I am finding as s species we just like to make others feel badly about their choices.  Everyone stands up on some parent pedestal and points fingers at everything everyone does wrong.  For what?  What are you gaining from sharing all these links to belittle some ones parenting choices? I mean seriously, do you not have a life?  

I was asked if I allow Adrian to watch TV, and  what shows does he like , and how often does he watch them.  When he was an infant I kept Disney Jr or Nick Jr on all day.  The music was good for background noise, and when the songs began my son would glance over and smile and get exited.  It was a great feeling seeing him show emotions for something other than me. And as quickly as he glanced he then quickly turned around.  It wasnt a big deal.  It was not until he got older that I noticed the TV got alot more than just a glance and that is where I started shutting it off and we would play more and do more activities together.  

So to answer this woman's question, I let him watch his favorite show Umizoomi about 2 or 3x a day.  I use this as a distraction for when I need to get something done.  Not a babysitter so that I could be on FB all day.  More like "I need to put these clothes in the dryer but I dont want to come back and find him wall climbing...*click*" or "I need to really cut this chicken and being he loves to cook with me and is now able to climb out of this high chair I will turn this TV on *Click*" or "I have to make some bill payments over the phone and I really cant have him pulling my shirt and pants off because I am standing and he wants me on the floor to cut the fake food with him *click*"or "Mommy needs to drop a deuce and as much as I love company while I am in the bathroom, I would like just 5 minutes to handle this and I will be right back to play with you *click*"...You get the point...

Im not a TV nazi.  I dont think that watching TV is bad for your kids.  I just think that its boring and its not a good way for me and him to pass our time.  I like making memories, Im all about that and I just dont see too many memories for us being made if he is posted in front of the TV like a zombie all day.  Because Umizoomi does that to him lol...but I am a fan of Umizoomi.  They have really opened up his interest in numbers, shapes, colors and patterns.  I hear him answering the questions "What number did I pick?" and I hear "5!!" and he is right.  Or Milly (the little girl on the show) will say a pattern and then ask what comes next and he will realize which part is missing from the pattern...pretty impressive.  Do I only let him watch educational shows??  Well the 2 shows he loves and asks for are Umizoom and Mickey Mouse club.  So really its not what I have chosen, its what he has chosen and both of those are interactive learning cartoons.  I happen to be a HUGE fan of sofia the 1st, so I do like to watch it and he likes it too...but that is for a lazy day or a day we take "off" from playing"school".  

She asked me what shows do I think are bad for children to watch.  I could find something good with almost any show on Nick Jr or Disney Jr.  There are some shows I cant see on my TV and Little Bill is one of them...I have NO idea what the show is about but the colors are boring and I cant, as an artist its really poor quality LOL.  I also cant stand "octnauts" (sp?)  I dont like the accents and I dont see any purpose of the show, and yeah there are no songs..so no, that wont be on TV either.

Do I ever allow a day where he can watch TV all day?  I did once, and he was sick and during the night he woke up crying asking to watch "bot!! BOT!! BOOOT!!!" and I said, "oh hell no, thats not going to happen" so yeah, not unless he is sick because he literally dreams of this show.

If you let your kids watch TV, congratulations.  If you dont, congratulations.  But dont make someone else feel badly because they do.  Its not your business.

Open Play or Open Fire Part 2

Open play of open fire

Part 2

It needed to be written in parts.  The 1st one was to show how differently I think from other "moms".  And when I question if I am doing the right things, "moms" like that make me know I am.

This part is the depressing part which directly relates to this week and this "new grief" I am going through.  I was stupid enough to think this wouldnt be a trigger spot.  Adrian would play and I would have fun watching experience normal kid things.  But that wasnt necessarily the case.

One of the moms had her 2 sons there.  She spoke about how great her older son was when he was born and how great he is now.  She spoke about how much her little one picks up from the older one and why he is much more advanced than her 1st.  She spoke about normal life for a mom of "two"....

She didnt know my story.  She wasnt rubbing my face in it.  She was just sharing her experiences.  For regular people it would probably open a window to a world of 'what if' or 'when'...but for me it opened up a door that I'd rather not open.  Forget about the fact that I most likely will not have any other children, but she opened up the fact that I should be swapping stories of 'life with 2'.  She lead me to wonder about how my daughter would have reacted to my son and vice versa.  She had her FIL with her to manage one of them and she managed the other.  Would I have needed back up?  Or would I have been able to handle the two? Or was this something else Ididnt know about play groups?  Do you NEED to have another set of eyes so that you can allow your older one to explore more while the little one sits nicely and plays with toys?

Part 2 is about my 2...or lack there of.  

And it brought up a thought I was hoping to hide away for today.  Will I ever know what its like to be at open play with "2"?  I know what its like to be there with 1 in my heart and 1 in my arms, but Im sure its not the same.  I only have to look after one and the other one is looking after me =*(

Im not going to stop going to this place or other places like this.  I think this is going to be a new project for me.  A way to chip away at more triggers.  Maybe I can look at it as those people who are afraid of heights going to the top of a building and looking down. They are the high buildings and I need to overcome that fear of not fitting in completely.  Who knows, maybe in the long run I can teach them something about this life...but I find it hard to believe anyone would understand it without walking it...

=(

Open play or open fire?

I made sure to get me and my son out of the house today.  If I continued to go down this path, knowing my depression history, it would all end horribly.  I dont want to be depressed.  That is a really important thing to acknowledge when you suffer from this.  You know its capability and you make sure to grasp control again.  And that is exactly what I have been doing the last few days.  Gaining control again.

When my daughter died I didnt need to grasp anything.  I was happy in my bed for months.  I was happy to cry and not eat and scream and hate the world. But with my son witnessing how I behave, I have to act differently when I am in that place again.  I dont want him to ever suffer or see me suffer.  So I do what any good mom does, I (mentally) slap myself and keep it moving.

To keep my mind busy I started thinking of his birthday that is not very far away.  I had a great time planning it last year and I wanted to remember that and feel that happiness again.  I came across some really cute places to have a party in and while I was searching I noticed they have "open play".  What is that??  This is one of those things that unless you have a child to entertain, you just dont know these exist.  Its basically a place that caters to infants and toddlers with slides,  crawl tunnels, ball pits and so many toys you literally cant play with them in just one day...ALL for just $10 and I was free ( I noticed some places charged the parents which is why i didnt try those out).  

The anxiety of meeting "moms" always gets me.  What will they say?  What will they think?  Will I feel comfortable?  Will they judge the fact I have not threaded my eyebrows this week because I barely wanted to shower? (I know that made you laugh but i SWEAR I did think of that!)  Will I slap one of them for saying some stupid shit...(yes I do think of this too LOL) ? Will Adrian get along with the children, or will it show that he is 'alone' at home?  I swear sometimes my mind is my worst enemy!!  But I didnt let them trap me at home!  

I mingled with the moms that were there.  It wasnt crowded at all so the children were able to play and that allowed us parents to talk...prepare yourselves because this is where it gets good.

I do NOT compare my son.  I dont compare him to my neighbors kids, friends kids, charts, blogs, TV...NOTHING.  There is no way for MY son to compare to another child as far as I am concerned.  Unless there is a mom who is raising a BOY EXACTLY how I am, food, tv, toys, daily lessons etc, then there is nothing to compare.  EVERY ONE IS DIFFERENT..period...

But this is what "moms" do, I see.  They compare.  They question.  They provide you with details of their experiences you really dont care to know.   I dont care people.  We are not friends.  I am here for my son to play and to clear my mind.  Please stop asking me when he started speaking.  He didnt start soon, he just speaks alot NOW.  Please do not tell me that girls speak earlier and boys walk earlier...that may be a fact for Adrian BUT I have PLENTY of friends with "boys" that this doesnt fit with, so again please do not generalize with me.

At one point I cut the girl off "Im sorry.  I dont allow people to compare my son.  Its just not how I am. I think its safe to say all children develop differently and unless your dr is concerned I would just let him be, and he will start things when he is ready"<----THAT is how you are supposed to mother.  THAT way...

Then she started with the "girl girl girl" and I couldnt anymore. "I really dont compare my son to girls AT ALL because the only girl he would have been compared against would have been his sister but she passed away, so yeah...I really dont care about how other girls developed".  Mind you in my HEAD I was screaming it, but today...today was different..today I wanted my son to be able to come here again because he liked this place and he liked this woman, so today I did this all with a big huge medicated (even though im not medicated) psychopathic SMILE...Like I dont think I ever smiled as much as I did today LMAO...But what ever...people can we just enjoy the kids PLAYING....

Then it came time for her to bring up the Newtown murders and this stupid effin video that someone made and its flying all over FB.. I watched it. But I dont believe it (if you do please keep it to yourself cause I cant even entertain you)...Well guess what?  She believed it...My eyes were rolling so much you would have that I was having seizure.  Really lady??  You are going to base this solely on the fact the grieving father giggled a little bit?? Did you hear what was being said to him?? Maybe a friend was trying to calm him down from having to TALK ABOUT HIS DEAD DAUGHTER...Maybe they said to picture everyone naked, maybe they said "did you smell my fart"...EVEN if your baby/child has died you are able to laugh people.  Its the one effed up thing about being a BLM/BLD...you can do it and you do it with almost a guilt of being able to feel happy (in the early days)...but you CAN LAUGH...

I had to stop her right there.  "Listen, I understand what you are saying because I watched the video as well.  I didnt watch it to be able to agree, I watched it to see how FAR people are willing to go to make themselves feel better and believe children dont die.  That man just made thousands of people who couldnt believe children die believe that in fact they were right, children dont die. and that is a lie.  I buried my daughter so I can speak for him, laughing for 5 seconds doesnt mean he wasnt grieving anymore. it means he still holds that important part of being able to SURVIVE after your child dies.  Without that ability you really wont last long.  Perhaps everyone who doesnt believe this happened should go there.  Go to their graves.  Go see the parents.  Because the rest of the world has moved on.  There are people who dont even believe this happened anymore.  But those children died and those parents will live without them forever.  Just like I do.  I am here, I am laughing with  my son. That doesnt mean I dont miss my daughter.  That just means I am I survived it. and they will too, hopefully"

Aside the fact that these 2 situations happened, I like these women.  They didnt act like I mentioned a dead baby, when in fact I mentioned a dead baby.  They listened to me.  They respected how I mother. They did look at me weird when they offered adrian Hawaiin punch and I said he doesnt drink stuff like that.  They also had their comments about "people exaggerating eating cold cuts during pregnancy, nothing bad can happen"...but I think the other part of surviving these play groups is picking your battles.  I picked mine today.  And I am sure there will be more ahead as well.  It is what it is.  And hey,  I didnt punch them in the face, so it was a win win for everyone =D.

I did realize ONE thing today...I am really proud of the mother I am.  And more than that I am proud of my son! He was the only one that cleaned up after himself.  He was the only one that didnt fight.  He was the only one that was friendly with the children and offering his toys.  He was the only one that didnt act like he was on speed LOL....I never question my Pediatrician.  He is right.  You feed your kids crap and they will act like it.  You feed your kids good food and they will be good. =)

Roller Coaster?

I am in that place again...

It didnt take long.  I was just there on Monday when the spotting happened. Want to hear a confession? I was holding on to hope that is was the implantation spotting everyone talks about.  It was not until yesterday morning with AF actually showed up "for real" that I knew it was really over...again.  

I am really holding onto hope that it was the baby aspirin.  I wont be ttc for the next 2 months.  Ironically I would need to TTC on my daughters birthday in Heaven and I know many are ok with doing that, but during the month of February I dont do anything but mourn.  I am in a much better place with her death and my grief.  I dont obsess about the same things I did when she died.  I dont find the need for rituals to keep her memory alive.  I talk about her a lot more often with smiles than tears.  Its because I have come to realize I can talk about her life.  It is ok to.  It doesnt mean I am stuck.  It doesnt mean I am making it harder on myself. It means I am a mother to a daughter in Heaven who has found a way to include her in our every day life.  That is all.  The love I have for her isnt measured by the amount of tears that fall from my eyes.  If that was the case I cried enough in the last 3years to carry me over a life time ;-).  But in February, its her month.  Her time.  Its her birthday and Ill cry if I want to, dammit!

I hate that I have allowed hope back in, because just 2 days ago it was ripped out of me.  Metaphorically speaking, the blood I see now is the blood leaking from my broken heart.  Could it be that others feel this way?  How can I be the only person in the world that when I saw AF come just yesterday I felt as though a part of me died again.

Did you ever make a 'mental baby'???  I will be adding that to my list for copyrighting as well.  This TTC with issues is not easy.  Its draining and I dont know how not to think about it.  I wonder if I will ever get to hold this "mental baby"?  Before my 2 kids were conceived I loved them too, so I have created a mental baby before. But I have also seen that through so I dont know how to over come this one.  I am still thinking of the months I would be pregnant, and when I would be due, and when I would have had a csection, and when I would have found the gender out.  All the plans I made in just 8 short weeks are gone.  How can I stop thinking about something I have been thinking about for months??  I have not even transitioned my son to a toddler bed yet because I was hoping to do that when we needed to use the crib.  I have all of his things saved, and still have her things saved, and what am I saving for??  For who??  For what??

I wish I could see into the future.  I wish I could just have a normal body and a normal life.  This life of a baby loss momma is never ending.  Just when I think I have a grasp on how things are....something else happens to set me right back.  Im tired of crying.  Seriously.  I am tired of it.  I was over triggers of pregnancy.  I didnt have to convince myself that huge belly at the mall was a rainbow baby.  I was at the point of realizing ALL children are someones rainbow for one reason or a another.  Now I am here, cringing at the idea of watching this whore kim kardashians belly growing.  I get sick to my stomach knowing snookies dirty crotch was able to get pregnant and keep it full term and experience her water breaking.  I never had that.  I was induced for both.  Every show I watch has some reference to pregnancy and it makes me feel left out again....I hate feeling like the one who didnt get picked to play on the team.

For the record rainbows do NOT trigger me!! I love them and they make me soooo happy!!! Thankfully that part of me still is here.  

I wonder why this is my life all the time...what did I do...what is the purpose??  my rainbow brings me SO MUCH joy and I think that is the only reason I can smile every day.  My heart goes out to those who have to go through this monthly pain without any children.  I can only imagine how that feels and if I ever was someones trigger I apologize.  I do try to consider everyone.  I wish I felt the same.

Unchartered waters

This is my new blog.  No names. No pics. No real connections to be made so if someone stumbles across this it will be physically impossible to point fingers to ME.  Another attempt at being able to keep blogging publicly without it going public IRL.

Lately I am finding myself in unchartered waters.  Ever since my daughter died my arms have been empty.  then my son was born and they were fuller...but still missing something.  It was a few weeks after he was born that I already wanted to have another one.  The stress of his rainbow pregnancy went out the door.  You can probably compare it to when they say "you forget the labor pains once the baby is born". You know what I mean. I forgot how scared I was because I was so in love with feeling like a mother....a feeling you certainly do not get after you bury your child...

fast forward 18 months.  The holidays are coming up.  I recently found out I have another clotting disorder called PAI-1 4g4g.  the "worst" of the strains..nice..nothing like finding out the real cause of your daughters stillbirth right before the holidays right?  Along with this my mom has DVTs my sister has also thrown a clot...there are so many factors aside pregnancy now.  What should I do?  I have my son HERE who needs his mother.  So I talk to my drs and I start baby aspirin to prevent clots from occurring.  We talked about TTC and the first question my

hema asked was "did it take you a long time to ttc your children?"
 "No" I replied, "I got pregnant 1st try with both"
"Ok because PAI-1 has been known to cause fertility issues" he says...

Right there I knew I needed to do more research on this.  I didnt have much information to read. The internet is pretty scarce when it comes to this.  Why wouldnt it be?  Only 7% of the population has this strain...I am feeling pretty down now! But hopeful.  Without hope what else is there right?

So it came time to discuss christmas gifts.  The year was financially tough on us.  My husband was laid off for 9+months. We ran through our savings.  We even needed to ask family for help.  I was really stressed out.  But we didnt want to ruin our son's christmas.  So we managed to make it work, but when it came to what "i" wanted it was simple...so I thought.  I created a drawing and showed it to him "Rainbow #2" I asked.  He smiled and said "Of course we will! But I want you to open something silly" and I said "I dont think there will ever be anything I can open to make me as happy as knowing we are having another baby"....

And there it was.  We were back on a TTC journey.  My cycle is like clock work.  Every 27days.  But lately its been "off".  2days before the REAL AF starts I have been having this annoying brown spotting.  I had cycles like this before my daughter. But after my son they started back again.  I just took it as though my body was just going back to 'normal' pre-babies now that it has been so long since I was pregnant.

I use mymonthlycycles.com and I look for the "sticky thing" as I call it commonly known as EMCM. for some reason "sticky thing" to me seems like a far better description, although not so scientific LOL.

We did not chart, temp, no ovulation kits, not sticky thing.  We literally DTD every single day.  1st month nothing.  I took it as though it was just a flop.  "It happens" I said.  "Not everything can be so easy 3x" I said.  The 2nd month we started DTD as soon as AF was gone and all the way to the end.  We missed 2 days in all, but that shouldnt have been a problem because according to the site, I was not ovulating anyway.

And this is where the dreaming began.  I already started planning this "baby".  I was pretty sure that even though I never seen the "sticky thing" that I ovulated.  There was some change in CM.  There was some really weird things that I was feeling.  The only time I EVER had tender boobies was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  The only time I ever had these bright blue veins running through my boobies was when I got pregnant with the 2 of them.  Something was happening....but DEEP in my heart I knew something was wrong.

I didnt "feel" pregnant.  I know many dont "feel" it until after 6w, but not me.  Im pretty in tune with my body.  I know when something is wrong.  I know when I ovulate.  I "feel" it.  I didnt feel it this month.  Then I started to think back..."Have I felt it at all lately?  Have I seen this sticky thing?"  And Im pretty sure I have not...then in the same breath I say "Oh I def seen it, because we avoided dtd that week when we were not ttc"....

I literally started to obsess.  Not because I KNEW I was pregnant, but because I KNEW I was not...again...and I dont know whats going on.  It was a pretty lonely road because I had been keeping the TTC thing to myself.  I didnt want the pressures of having to provide a BFP to everyone.  I didnt want to hear advice.  I didnt want people to start calculating due dates and bday buddies and so on and so on...so I kept it quiet to a very select few.  Those I KNEW would not be triggered by it and those I can trust to keep it to themselves.  So I bought these really cheap WONDFOS tests to satisfy my NEW need to POAS.  I never did this with my other 2.  I POAS 2x for each kid and that was it.  This time?  This time I peed on a total of 40...FORTY sticks!!!

40x my heart was shattered in the last few months.  40x I was reminded my body failed me. I failed my husband. I failed my son.  I was reminded of my NEW clotting disorder and how it is know to prevent implantation.  How it can cause PCOS, which I see I have a few of the symptoms to.  How it can cause me more trouble BEFORE I even get pregnant than I even considered at 1st.  PAI-1 is the reason I was afraid to TTC. But I had this baby aspirin that almost all the TTC boards on BBC swear by to help ease the conception process.

And the day before AF is due I got this deep aching feeling near my right ovary.  I know it was implantation..or was it?  I didnt have this pain with the other 2?  I dont remember it. I didnt have it listed in my early pregnancy symptoms chart.  But "every pregnancy is different".  Maybe I am more sensitive now after the 2 of them...Wishful thinking.  Because in the same breath I knew something was wrong.  The next day I woke up at 6am.  POAS #37, I see something? Or do I?  Is it an indent?  Is it the start of a line?  Is it because its 6am and I have barely opened my eyeballs yet?  So POAS#38, BFN...something is wrong.  I pull out POAS#40...BFN....And I just couldnt contain myself...

I cried for the next 2hours straight.  Holding my chest.  Barely able to breath "No God!! NO!!! Dont tell me this is another problem I have!! Dont tell me you have taken THIS from me too!?!?"  And I finally decided enough was enough.  Im not doing this to myself anymore. Im not going to get 1yrs worth of heart ache every month to almost PROVE I can get pregnant.  I threw in the towel.  Infertility will not be added onto my list of shit.  Its over.

Now what?  Now I have to grieve this part of my life.  I have to stop keeping this to myself.  Maybe if I shared with those that I shared my stillbirth with I wont feel alone.  Wrong.  I got plenty of (from a good place though) "It takes time, It took me "x" amount of time, you are thinking too much, just relax, just have fun, try this, take this, do that"....And it felt like I was slowly getting pushed into a corner and forced to believe I CAN ttc.  "Dont give up!!" and all I wanted to do was scream "I DIDNT GIVE UP!! I knew there was a chance of this when I tested for it.  I knew that when I heard those results THIS would be the outcome!! I DIDNT GIVE UP THEN BUT I GIVE UP NOW!!!"

I give up because my son wiped my tears all day.  "mommy you ok?" "You ok mommy" "Mommy got booboo" come on man??? How can I do this when my son NEEDS me.  I cant do this to myself and to him.  My husband was convinced this 'new disorder' I found what change a thing.  "these drs just like to scared you" he told me when I found out.  "NO THEY DONT!! They keep me informed on ALL the possibilities of what I HAVE, not what they have given me"

I needed to be away from FB.  I needed to just be with me and my thoughts.  I needed to just have someone tell me "i understand how you feel. " and surprisingly not many did.  The same people I could share my darkest moments with, were now people who did not understand how I was feeling.  I wanted someone to listen to me. Not give me advice.  Not tell me their stories. Not suggest new tricks.  I dont want to sound like a 'know it all' but I KNOW IT ALL. I dont just get knocked up, I search and search and do more research...and thats because my daughter died.  And that is because when I found out it was MY body and MY blood that killed her. And that is because it is MY body that will have to go through the ttc stage, the preg stage, the blood work, the u/s, the kick counts, the csec..all of it...so I prepare myself with knowledge because if I cant control the outcome, I can at least control what I know.

I stopped taking baby aspirin sunday night, even before the BFN. I knew I would be started lovenox on the 1st day of a BFP, Sooo the sick and twisted hopeful person wanted to be able to start right away, but in that same breath the realist KNEW something was wrong.  And as always I was right.

Today I woke up and a memory I had flashed in my head.  I remembered reading baby aspirin made TTC difficult because it prevented ovulation.  I remember providing this info to a BLM a long time ago...so I do what I do best, I googled and googled and came across TONS of sites stating this as a fact.  prolonged use of baby aspirin has been linked to making people NOT ovulate..wow...

So is this the reason?  The only NEW thing in my treatment plan was this baby aspirin.  Could this be? Do I still have a chance?  I dont know, because we were ttc without STRESS and insisting, I didnt do any ovulation kits, so I dont know if I did OR didnt ovulate.  I didnt see the sticky thing, THAT I know.....but I also know that we did it so much it may have been there and I missed it.  Its a complete mystery..all I have are the FACTS about PAI-1 and that on its own is enough to know what really can be happening.

You know what I wish?  I wish more people would just listen sometimes.  If you have a friend that is having trouble ttc, dont offer advice if they are not asking for it.  Dont tell them to relax.  Dont tell them to stop thinking about it and it will happen.  Dont tell them it takes a few times when they have a REASON it may not be happening.  Dont tell them anything.  Just listen.  Just say "I am here if you want to talk".  Just say "if you have any questions you can ask me".  All of those statements bring guilt.  Guilt of maybe stress causing the pregnancy to not have come about.  Guilt of thinking and planning for this precious new life.  Having to provide information to others about what is wrong with me has been so emotional.  I know people like to 'know' details, especially with something they dont know, but sometimes it just hurts to much to prove whats wrong with me.  It hurts to inform others when the information is hard for ME to swallow...

I dreamed of this baby a few times.  I dreamed it was a boy, I seen the little hand in my belly move from one side to the other.  I felt the fingers.  I dreamt of my daughter a few days before a BFN and the night before I dreamt AF came...and she did...and I hate her.  I hate her for crushing my dreams.

I never want to feel this kind of disappointment again.  Im not the kind of person that can just DTD/TTC with my husband and continue on with the days.  I dont know how to "not think about it" because I WANT(ed) this baby.  I asked for it.  And it was taken from me.  My dreams of a house full of children have been taken from me.  My dreams I had for the future with THIS "mental baby" I created all month are gone.  Its a whole new kind of grief for me. I am grieving HOPE & DREAMS.  have you ever grieved that?  Not a 'real' baby...a "mental baby"??  Those for me are new.  Those kinds of griefs are pretty hard on the ego.  Hard on your self esteem.. HARD on your heart.

Certainly not like a baby dying.  But sure as hell is NOTHING like I have experienced when AF shows up.  Its like a slap in my face.  A slap I do not need to have for months/years at a time.  And I definitely do not need to force this.  I have 2 children. 1 I mother on earth and 1 I mother in heaven and each of them has filled my heart in a way I can never type into words.

My husband doesnt want this to end.  "You are the one who wanted this baby and you are giving up??!!  Please dont do this!! Please just try a few more times"..."A few more times??  You want me to feel like THIS a few more times?? For what?  To end up right here, where I am trying to get comfortable being?" and he says "No, I want you to see that there is nothing wrong with you" and i scream "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG AND I AM TIRED OF HAVING TO PROVE IT!! What more proof do you need?? Do YOU want to see the blood?? Do you want to see the 40 BFNs??"

=**********((((

I dont WANT to stop having children...but my body DOESNT want to make them anymore...what can I do?? Keep doing this to myself?? So for him, my son and for ME I made an appt with another specialist to see what he thinks.  Have him run tests and come to a conclusion.  And what ever he finds or doesnt find, I hope its enough for my husband to accept my choice. And I hope its gentle enough for me to hear...no one EVER wants to hear that something IS wrong....sigh...

To those of you who have said things that were not intentionally hurtful, I am NOT mad at you.  I just have come to a place now that in order to protect myself from those comments my TTC or lack there of will be happening here on this blog.  Privately as I can, but publicly where you can follow along. Please do NOT list my name or the name of my children.  I want to make sure this does not fall into the hands of the wrong people. Thank you!!