At 14 weeks they were able to take a guess at the gender of pineapple. They guessed girl. In the back of my mind, far back, I knew that already. The last few weeks I started feeling like maybe this baby isnt a boy. Maybe there was a chance (50% actually) that we were in fact having another little girl. But my mind would not allow my heart to believe this.
There are many reasons why. First off I have already connected a successful pregnancy to a boy. Stupid, I know. I should only be connecting the lovenox to the fact that his pregnancy was successful, but for some reason I was not able to think that way at the time. For me it was just more scarier to find out it was another girl. Especially given the fact that the only other pregnancy I had bleeding for was my daughters.
The next day I took an intelligender test. I have taken these with my other 2 and they were very accurate. That morning (5am to be exact) I was not sure about the results. "What does that say? Boy? Girl?" and after googling images, the solution did NOT look like a boy, but again, my mind would not allow myself to believe it was a girl. So I emailed the company directly with a photo and asked for their help. They replied within a couple of hours that the result mirrored the results of a girl. A GIRL. So here I was a day after a girl guess, reading a girl result and several 'old wives' tales of girl results, still unsure. I didnt say a word to anyone.
The following week it came time to guess again. Girl. Again. This time I saw the lines. This time I was pretty sure I was seeing what they were seeing. It hit me. There is another little girl growing inside me. Will she get the chance to come home?
I got home and cried and cried and cried. My husband didnt understand why I was crying. With tears falling down my face I told him how I was so much more scared now. I had bleeding with only one other pregnancy, and she was a girl, and she died. I dont care if they say it was unrelated. BLEEDING is never normal, let alone on and off for 35weeks. This time I had lovenox and I still had that bleeding. It could be a coincidence, it could have been the stretching of the uterus. It could be a million 'normal' things. But the only thing I could think of is my son, my rainbow, is HERE and he never had bleeding.
Then I explained how I was afraid to announce a girl. I was afraid that peoples jealousy would some how hurt this pregnancy. Stupid I know, but I thought this anyway. I was afraid that when I announced a girl I would hear stupid comments or worse no comments. And I found already that I have received plenty of both. Its amazing how you notice that 1% who NEVER reaches out in happiness over your news.
I cried and then I stopped. I needed that release. I needed that time to just absorb that news. I was so happy and so scared and it was as if I have never had a rainbow pregnancy before. In fact, this is completely different from my sons. With him I was unsure if I could have a living child, with this one I am unsure if I could have a living daughter. The fact remains to be seen....
After a week I finally decided to announce in my group. I was overwhelmed with the amount of JOY spilling in the comments. One after another I read how loved she already way. How much the loved her name. How happy they were. And then again, like with my sons, I noticed there were my 'friends' who didnt say a word. Nothing. Was I hurt? Of course I was. This is a chance for me to raise another little girl, and they didnt have anything to say to me. Nothing. I already buried one daughter and I cant believe they cant find a word to say to me in hopes I never do again. But as quickly as I was hurt by these people, I got over it. I may have hurt longer for the treatment I felt for my son, but this time its different, this time I refuse to let anyone or anything steal a MINUTE of joy in my heart for this new little princess. 1 minute of hurt is 60 seconds of joy I missed with her, and thats 1 minute too long.
Then we announced to my inlaws over the weekend. Was I surprised that my MIL didnt include my butterfly daughter in the amount of grand-daughters she will now have? No, but I was sure as hell going to REMIND her that she doesnt have 4, she has FIVE. And that punch to my throat was a swift kick back to her face, but she didnt learn because she proceeded to leave my butterfly out again, and AGAIN I had to remind her. I am trying so hard to make sure that my stress levels are stable. I cant be the reason that my blood creates a clot. SO I let it go at that and when we get home I mention to my husband how hurt I was. I assumed he would have been hurt as well, or maybe just acknowledge it hurt ME, but instead he defended her. Because she 'apologized' when I corrected her, I was supposed to let that go. Right! No, I wont let that go. In fact I will turn the tables this time. Where before she made the choice to miss my sons first 2 years, this time I WILL be the one making the choice to have her involved as little as possible. And that is how that will go.
We officially announced the gender reveal after they found out. At this point my feelings have changed. Where with the initial reveal I wanted to keep her gender all to myself, I now want to scream it to the world..WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER GIRL....and another chance and I could use as much prayers and joy around as one could expect.
Its been an amazing 3 weeks in my mind. Lonely for sure. Not really sure which of my feelings are normal. Not really sure which I can share and which I can keep for the blog. I have needed to come to this space for a while, but I didnt want to feel one thing one day and then different the next. So I waited til now. Today I have felt nothing but happiness about our next rainbow. I cant wait until the fall/winter clothes are out in the stores so I can buy them. I cant wait to start her room. There are so many things I cant wait to do, and THAT is all new to me. I didnt even feel that for my 1st. I was always too scared, this time I refuse to let ANY of my fears keep me from preparing to bring her HOME.
My mood has been very short, but this was way before the gender reveal, I am so cranky and short tempered the littlest thing can set me off. Another reason I have not made it known to 'those' that have ignored me since I got pregnant again, Id rather keep my cool and just know that those who DO love me and my kids are here for me. I am literally growing a vegetarian in my body. Butterfly daughter wanted MEAT all day all night, and spicy foods. My son wanted everything...EXCEPT meat and this little girl wants nothing but fruits veggies and almond milk with chocolate syrup. I could eat those all day and night. Pretty healthy eating habits already LOL. Thank goodness its summer time and organic fruits are easy to come by, but I have had to make the sacrifice and buy what is not organic too because we dont believe it ignoring a craving (unless of course its beer, which YES I have craved too along with snow crab legs LOL)
The one thing I can say about this little girl is that she is her own person. She has her own likes and dislikes. She may be another girl, but shes her own girl and I love her more than any words I can type here...
Whew..that was alot and I swear I feel so much better already. I seriously need to come here more often because with my son I had therapy, but now I just have myself. Pretty lonely.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
NT scan appointment.
Today was pineapples NT scan at the hospital where my son was born at. It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room with him on the outside. It was even weirder to have him in the exam room that was the last place I sat with him in my belly where it was determined my fluid level was not going down and he was much better off on the outside.
The tech came in and was very quiet. I hate quiet people. Makes me uncomfortable. But I know she was doing her job and measuring. It seemed like she was measuring the same spot for a long time. I didnt really worry about this test at all. But I started wondering if I should have. I mentioned the fibroids to her and she made notes to each of them, making sure to say "They are really small. Nothing to worry about."
I mentioned to her the blood that I had last week. "Was it red?"she asked. "Yes it was but I didnt see red other than the swab he used to clean it out. It resembled a tampon", I said. "OK that is alot. Since you mentioned this I am going to have to do an internal u/s to check the cervix."she says. I didnt argue that. I am all about double, triple and quadruple checking. She inserts the wand and SHE lets out a sigh of relief "This is great! Your cervix is way more than 4!!" She then presses firmly onto my belly and says "Ok thats good. The cervix isnt responding to any pressure. I agree with the drs explanation about the capillary bursting. Its more common than people think, but I wanted to make sure since it was red"
It was an amazing scan. She zoomed into the babies five fingers and counted them all. She pointed out the feet, legs and arms. And I felt like she went above and beyond the regular duties of a "NT scan". I asked her name and will be requesting her for the 20w anatomy scan.
The profile of the baby's face reminds me so much of my daughter. I know all babies look the same at this point, but the lips are so prominent. Just like hers....
The tech came in and was very quiet. I hate quiet people. Makes me uncomfortable. But I know she was doing her job and measuring. It seemed like she was measuring the same spot for a long time. I didnt really worry about this test at all. But I started wondering if I should have. I mentioned the fibroids to her and she made notes to each of them, making sure to say "They are really small. Nothing to worry about."
I mentioned to her the blood that I had last week. "Was it red?"she asked. "Yes it was but I didnt see red other than the swab he used to clean it out. It resembled a tampon", I said. "OK that is alot. Since you mentioned this I am going to have to do an internal u/s to check the cervix."she says. I didnt argue that. I am all about double, triple and quadruple checking. She inserts the wand and SHE lets out a sigh of relief "This is great! Your cervix is way more than 4!!" She then presses firmly onto my belly and says "Ok thats good. The cervix isnt responding to any pressure. I agree with the drs explanation about the capillary bursting. Its more common than people think, but I wanted to make sure since it was red"
It was an amazing scan. She zoomed into the babies five fingers and counted them all. She pointed out the feet, legs and arms. And I felt like she went above and beyond the regular duties of a "NT scan". I asked her name and will be requesting her for the 20w anatomy scan.
The profile of the baby's face reminds me so much of my daughter. I know all babies look the same at this point, but the lips are so prominent. Just like hers....
Monday, May 6, 2013
Dr update and fears...
This is the update I gave my group:
"Just got home from my dr. There was 100% closed cervix (n hard) NO more red blood. The swab was like "yellowish" which is just remnants of the other day (n what I've been seeing) no bed rest today. Just walk around n take it slow. He believes I had a weak capillaries that burst n sealed quickly n occurs on 9%of pregnancy but there is no dr in the world who can say 100% what caused it. That's his theory from experience n seeing the area. I am going back Wednesday for one more cervix check to triple check. Thanks for the thoughts n prayers. If I didn't have this for my daughter I wouldn't be as nervous n scared as I am. (Didn't have this for my son, ever) n he understands my fears n will see me as often as I need hi m to, but he believes I am out of the woods."
Now I have to be honest, this doesnt really comfort me too much. I never even had red blood for my daughter. It was mostly pink. It was on and off through out the pregnancy and it was always "on the outside" too. It was never a problem. And they swear up and down that the spotting with her didnt result in her death. Right. It may have not directly been related, and I am not a Dr., but blood in a pregnancy for someone with a double clotting disorder seems like a problem. It seems like a heads up for something not going right.
I spent last night cuddling my sleeping son, while I cried onto his little head. I couldnt hold in the tears. I was literally holding a miracle in my arms and wondering if I will be able to do the same with this one...sigh..
Once the dr told me the red blood was gone and the cervix was hard and closed I felt a relief....I seen the baby jumping around on the u/s and looking more and more like a mini human. I chose that time to not think about what may happen again or what will end up being, and I decided to be happy for the news I have and this baby that IS still alive.
Not that I needed a time check at ALL, but this weekend reminded me that nothing is promised. My sentences have all been "when" the baby comes home and now I find myself saying "if" again. I said "if" alot for my sons pregnancy because I didnt know a different ending, other than death. Since I had a more positive experience I started out positive and now....now I feel like I just really dont know what is going to happen.
I feel like I have to put on this happy positive go lucky front for everyone. Instead of getting support I am reassuring others everything is OK. I got more pressure on me to keep everyone else calm than ME getting to feel calm.
I took a step back today. Regrouping myself. Realizing who really does care about me and my baby. I am all about looking at the glass half full, but God dammit would it be too much to ask to be ABLE to feel scared? I didnt even tell anyone IRL except my sister and obv my husband. I didnt want the pressure of constantly feeling like I have to say "I feel fine, baby is good, HB is good". I hardly went on FB the whole weekend because I literally felt like I was doing more of the comforting about what was happening to ME than getting any. My husband standing over me as I check the HB, which isnt so easy when the baby is small and moving all around, he literally broke into a sweat and turned red "OMG, that was so scary, why did it take so long??" Long? it was 5 minutes!!! Imagine ME who has to check for it in MY body!!!!! Lets remember one thing, I am the one who had a dead baby in their body and I am the one whose blood is to blame and I AM the one who has to worry if this time will be like hers....instead of like his....
Of course I could always rely on my #1 to be right there texting with me and letting me feel OK to be scared. I felt OK to remember and compare this to my daughter. I felt OK to finally sound negative when stating RED blood IS bad. And I felt good when my Dr told me "I agree with you 100%, red blood is never a good sign in pregnancy. But even normal pregnancies can experience it". So here I am afraid again. I thought I could get through ONE of my pregnancies not afraid but I am and I dont know how to change that now.
Rainbow pregnancies are scary and no one should ever make someone feel like their feelings are not valid. No one will ever truly know what its like to get through one. If you are able to get pregnant with a rainbow you will need BIG huge balls to get through it, cause you cant do anything to calm yourself other than YOU calming yourself. Ever try to do that with bleeding?? Yeah...I have...and I honestly dont know how I will mentally make it the rest of this pregnancy. ALL I ask is that I take this baby home and raise it here on Earth. Seems like a simple request, but when you have everything against you...seems like you are asking for a miracle. I have one miracle right here, did I meet my quota?? I dont know....
"Just got home from my dr. There was 100% closed cervix (n hard) NO more red blood. The swab was like "yellowish" which is just remnants of the other day (n what I've been seeing) no bed rest today. Just walk around n take it slow. He believes I had a weak capillaries that burst n sealed quickly n occurs on 9%of pregnancy but there is no dr in the world who can say 100% what caused it. That's his theory from experience n seeing the area. I am going back Wednesday for one more cervix check to triple check. Thanks for the thoughts n prayers. If I didn't have this for my daughter I wouldn't be as nervous n scared as I am. (Didn't have this for my son, ever) n he understands my fears n will see me as often as I need hi m to, but he believes I am out of the woods."
Now I have to be honest, this doesnt really comfort me too much. I never even had red blood for my daughter. It was mostly pink. It was on and off through out the pregnancy and it was always "on the outside" too. It was never a problem. And they swear up and down that the spotting with her didnt result in her death. Right. It may have not directly been related, and I am not a Dr., but blood in a pregnancy for someone with a double clotting disorder seems like a problem. It seems like a heads up for something not going right.
I spent last night cuddling my sleeping son, while I cried onto his little head. I couldnt hold in the tears. I was literally holding a miracle in my arms and wondering if I will be able to do the same with this one...sigh..
Once the dr told me the red blood was gone and the cervix was hard and closed I felt a relief....I seen the baby jumping around on the u/s and looking more and more like a mini human. I chose that time to not think about what may happen again or what will end up being, and I decided to be happy for the news I have and this baby that IS still alive.
Not that I needed a time check at ALL, but this weekend reminded me that nothing is promised. My sentences have all been "when" the baby comes home and now I find myself saying "if" again. I said "if" alot for my sons pregnancy because I didnt know a different ending, other than death. Since I had a more positive experience I started out positive and now....now I feel like I just really dont know what is going to happen.
I feel like I have to put on this happy positive go lucky front for everyone. Instead of getting support I am reassuring others everything is OK. I got more pressure on me to keep everyone else calm than ME getting to feel calm.
I took a step back today. Regrouping myself. Realizing who really does care about me and my baby. I am all about looking at the glass half full, but God dammit would it be too much to ask to be ABLE to feel scared? I didnt even tell anyone IRL except my sister and obv my husband. I didnt want the pressure of constantly feeling like I have to say "I feel fine, baby is good, HB is good". I hardly went on FB the whole weekend because I literally felt like I was doing more of the comforting about what was happening to ME than getting any. My husband standing over me as I check the HB, which isnt so easy when the baby is small and moving all around, he literally broke into a sweat and turned red "OMG, that was so scary, why did it take so long??" Long? it was 5 minutes!!! Imagine ME who has to check for it in MY body!!!!! Lets remember one thing, I am the one who had a dead baby in their body and I am the one whose blood is to blame and I AM the one who has to worry if this time will be like hers....instead of like his....
Of course I could always rely on my #1 to be right there texting with me and letting me feel OK to be scared. I felt OK to remember and compare this to my daughter. I felt OK to finally sound negative when stating RED blood IS bad. And I felt good when my Dr told me "I agree with you 100%, red blood is never a good sign in pregnancy. But even normal pregnancies can experience it". So here I am afraid again. I thought I could get through ONE of my pregnancies not afraid but I am and I dont know how to change that now.
Rainbow pregnancies are scary and no one should ever make someone feel like their feelings are not valid. No one will ever truly know what its like to get through one. If you are able to get pregnant with a rainbow you will need BIG huge balls to get through it, cause you cant do anything to calm yourself other than YOU calming yourself. Ever try to do that with bleeding?? Yeah...I have...and I honestly dont know how I will mentally make it the rest of this pregnancy. ALL I ask is that I take this baby home and raise it here on Earth. Seems like a simple request, but when you have everything against you...seems like you are asking for a miracle. I have one miracle right here, did I meet my quota?? I dont know....
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Red blood...enough said
I have not been blogging much because I usually write at night, and I am my sickest at night. This week my dr said my continued weight loss and the fact I cant drink liquids without puking warranted a little help. So he gave me tigan. He said it was the mildest and safe. I took it. It worked. I felt so much better and I can honestly say its been 5 days since I puked last. I can even drink water. I stopped taking the meds friday (he gave them to me thursday).
Yesterday started like any other lazy saturday. It was so beautiful that we spent the day in our yard lounging out and playing ball with our son. I had to pee so I went inside and when I wiped I seen a stripe of brown. Brown?? Is it that mucus thing again? Was it my eyes from being outside so long? I went right away and put on white underwear. I waited a few minutes and checked. Brown, and it more on the maroon side than the brown side. "Its probably that mucus thing again, just call the Dr and see what he says", I said to myself. Before I even did that I checked the HB on my doppler. Thankfully I have been able to hear the HB for the last 2 weeks. What a relief it has brought to me. HB was strong as usual, so I grab my phone and call. My dr gets on the phone and says "Come on it and let me check it out." He didnt seem concerned, but wanted to help ease my mind.
What happened next was not anything I expected. I have tried my BEST to keep the positive attitude. To take bump pics each week. To share pineapple's updates with my family. Basically doing everything opposite of what I did for my 1st rainbow so I would have more happier moments in this pregnancy.
My dr checks and asks for a swab from the nurse. That was odd? He never did that last time. it felt like 20minutes of swabbing in there (probably 3min) he finally says "OK cervix is closed, but there is a lot of red blood. RED???? WTF??? He goes to throw the swab into the trash next to him and I lost it. It resembled what a tampon would look like. Completely covered it BRIGHT RED blood. Next came the u/s and they were trying to calm me down by letting me see the baby was ok. fluid was great, HB was still strong and there was no blood inside the baby. He thought maybe he seen what appeared to be a Subchorionic Hematoma and documented it for my chart, but was not 100% with it. He kept trying to remind me the cervix was closed, and I kept reminding HIM that I had red blood INSIDE me. All I did was cry. I couldnt help it. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of thinking positive. All those thoughts didnt do anything to prevent this. I just kept saying "no...no...I cant do that again".....Typing the words has me in tears.
He put me on strict bed rest for 48hrs and I am to go in on monday morning to have my cervix checked again. I was given instructions to call if I experienced any cramping or pain.
I feel like someone ripped my hope right out of my heart. I will say it again, the doppler has kept me sane for the last 23hrs, but I would be lying if I didnt put that wand to my belly anticipating the worst. I feel so alone. Well its happening to me, and in me, so I cant really expect anyone else to know what this is like for me.
I sent my son to stay over my moms house last night so that I didnt have to worry about neglecting him while I stood laying down. My husband has been laid off so he has been doing most of the stuff around here.
My dr just kept asking if I did anything strenuous, any heavy lifting. He asked me so many things and said so many scientific words I just stopped hearing him. I literally froze in that office and went numb. I just kept thinking "Am I going to have a miscarriage now? Is this how it starts? Im just going to wait and see if another baby will die?" He reminded me that the lovenox was on our side and helping this baby. "Positive thoughts!! You have to focus on the fact the cervix is closed" I didnt even answer him. I just grabbed the u/s picture, wondering if it would be the last, and walked out....
I sat in my car with my head resting on the steering wheel and just cried. Begging God to please let this baby live. Crying my daughters name to help save this baby. To save me.
A few months before we began ttc I dreamt many times about losing another baby (boy) to a m/c. I keep wondering if that was a premonition of what is yet to come.
Today is BLM mothers day. "Still Standing" is what everyone is chanting. Im not standing. Im laying down trying to do what ever I can do to stop another baby from dying. Forgive me if today I dont feel like being proud of being a BLM. Today I fucking HATE being a BLM. Today I wonder if I made a huge mistake by stopping smoking, drinking, and eating non organic food. Today I am angry that BLOOD is coming out of my vagina while my baby is growing inside. I planned a whole day for my daughter & me today. I was going to go to the cemetery. It would be the 1st time I went there pregnant. Every time I try to go the weather isnt in my favor, or Ive been sick.
Today I am SICK to my stomach at the people who are jealous of rainbow pregnancies. YOU should be ashamed of yourself for being envious of my pregnancy. Are you happy now? Has your jealousy done its job? I wonder if you will care for this baby if it dies. You know what I say to that?? FUCK YOU. My children DEAD & ALIVE mean the world to me and if you were a true friend, they would mean the world to you too. I hope this baby lives. I dont want to go into a dark place again. I was finally STANDING again for a while, but now I dont know what to think...
All I can do is pray. Not that it will make any difference, I prayed for my daughter to please move, kick....etc...she didnt. She was dead.
This doppler, and my constant checking my underwear is all I can do until I am back at the drs tomorrow. I was relieved there was no more red blood, but there is some spotting now, so who knows...
I dont know anything anymore...All I know is that I am angry I cant just have a NORMAL boring pregnancy like every skank drug addict in this world~!!
Yesterday started like any other lazy saturday. It was so beautiful that we spent the day in our yard lounging out and playing ball with our son. I had to pee so I went inside and when I wiped I seen a stripe of brown. Brown?? Is it that mucus thing again? Was it my eyes from being outside so long? I went right away and put on white underwear. I waited a few minutes and checked. Brown, and it more on the maroon side than the brown side. "Its probably that mucus thing again, just call the Dr and see what he says", I said to myself. Before I even did that I checked the HB on my doppler. Thankfully I have been able to hear the HB for the last 2 weeks. What a relief it has brought to me. HB was strong as usual, so I grab my phone and call. My dr gets on the phone and says "Come on it and let me check it out." He didnt seem concerned, but wanted to help ease my mind.
What happened next was not anything I expected. I have tried my BEST to keep the positive attitude. To take bump pics each week. To share pineapple's updates with my family. Basically doing everything opposite of what I did for my 1st rainbow so I would have more happier moments in this pregnancy.
My dr checks and asks for a swab from the nurse. That was odd? He never did that last time. it felt like 20minutes of swabbing in there (probably 3min) he finally says "OK cervix is closed, but there is a lot of red blood. RED???? WTF??? He goes to throw the swab into the trash next to him and I lost it. It resembled what a tampon would look like. Completely covered it BRIGHT RED blood. Next came the u/s and they were trying to calm me down by letting me see the baby was ok. fluid was great, HB was still strong and there was no blood inside the baby. He thought maybe he seen what appeared to be a Subchorionic Hematoma and documented it for my chart, but was not 100% with it. He kept trying to remind me the cervix was closed, and I kept reminding HIM that I had red blood INSIDE me. All I did was cry. I couldnt help it. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of thinking positive. All those thoughts didnt do anything to prevent this. I just kept saying "no...no...I cant do that again".....Typing the words has me in tears.
He put me on strict bed rest for 48hrs and I am to go in on monday morning to have my cervix checked again. I was given instructions to call if I experienced any cramping or pain.
I feel like someone ripped my hope right out of my heart. I will say it again, the doppler has kept me sane for the last 23hrs, but I would be lying if I didnt put that wand to my belly anticipating the worst. I feel so alone. Well its happening to me, and in me, so I cant really expect anyone else to know what this is like for me.
I sent my son to stay over my moms house last night so that I didnt have to worry about neglecting him while I stood laying down. My husband has been laid off so he has been doing most of the stuff around here.
My dr just kept asking if I did anything strenuous, any heavy lifting. He asked me so many things and said so many scientific words I just stopped hearing him. I literally froze in that office and went numb. I just kept thinking "Am I going to have a miscarriage now? Is this how it starts? Im just going to wait and see if another baby will die?" He reminded me that the lovenox was on our side and helping this baby. "Positive thoughts!! You have to focus on the fact the cervix is closed" I didnt even answer him. I just grabbed the u/s picture, wondering if it would be the last, and walked out....
I sat in my car with my head resting on the steering wheel and just cried. Begging God to please let this baby live. Crying my daughters name to help save this baby. To save me.
A few months before we began ttc I dreamt many times about losing another baby (boy) to a m/c. I keep wondering if that was a premonition of what is yet to come.
Today is BLM mothers day. "Still Standing" is what everyone is chanting. Im not standing. Im laying down trying to do what ever I can do to stop another baby from dying. Forgive me if today I dont feel like being proud of being a BLM. Today I fucking HATE being a BLM. Today I wonder if I made a huge mistake by stopping smoking, drinking, and eating non organic food. Today I am angry that BLOOD is coming out of my vagina while my baby is growing inside. I planned a whole day for my daughter & me today. I was going to go to the cemetery. It would be the 1st time I went there pregnant. Every time I try to go the weather isnt in my favor, or Ive been sick.
Today I am SICK to my stomach at the people who are jealous of rainbow pregnancies. YOU should be ashamed of yourself for being envious of my pregnancy. Are you happy now? Has your jealousy done its job? I wonder if you will care for this baby if it dies. You know what I say to that?? FUCK YOU. My children DEAD & ALIVE mean the world to me and if you were a true friend, they would mean the world to you too. I hope this baby lives. I dont want to go into a dark place again. I was finally STANDING again for a while, but now I dont know what to think...
All I can do is pray. Not that it will make any difference, I prayed for my daughter to please move, kick....etc...she didnt. She was dead.
This doppler, and my constant checking my underwear is all I can do until I am back at the drs tomorrow. I was relieved there was no more red blood, but there is some spotting now, so who knows...
I dont know anything anymore...All I know is that I am angry I cant just have a NORMAL boring pregnancy like every skank drug addict in this world~!!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A precious heart beat
I love my drs office!! As soon as the tech was in the office I went right in. He actually cancelled appointments he made for today due to an emergency delivery, but she had me go in and not only that, but skip the other preggos that were waiting for her to check them.
Within seconds I was undressed and being scanned. That perfect beautiful little heart beat was beating so strong. so much easier to see today than the other day. "Do you see it??" She asked.."YES!!!!!" Then she let me hear it...I started to bawl "Oh no dont cry, you are going to need tissues, I dont have tissues!!" I couldnt help it...that sound...that sound was music to my ears!!! I cant tell you how differently I envisioned this appointment. I went alone. I dont like to take my son there because I always worry about those that recently lost a child. I remember how much I hated waiting in there after my daughter died, watching all those kids running and playing.
I came home and cried some more. I was so afraid of hearing those fucking words again. How can it be there is no vomiting this week and last week there was plenty? (this is a rhetorical question please dont tell me this is ok, i am simply expressing my feelings) I know all pregnancies are different but the 2 I already has were eerily the same except for the outcome. My anxiety about having a dead baby inside me again lessons when I puke. It just makes those words "Oh thats a good sign!!" make sense. Whats the sign for preggos that dont puke? Its a bad sign...right? That was what worried me, and that is why I went in and I WILL go in as often as I need to.
The fears of a rainbow pregnancy are something you just cant explain unless you have experienced it. I say this with the most respect..PLEASE do not tell me to calm down or relax. Do not down play my feelings. I am in a very fragile state. I almost bought an u/s machine online to calm myself down, but luckily my drs office offered to have me there as often as I needed. The tech even gave me her cell number today as she hugged me and said she completely understands my fears, yet she has never once been pregnant herself. I held one dead baby, Im not in the market of holding any more.
I need this space to be safe for me....Its my selfish place. I say what I cant say IRL because no one can truly understand me. So please stop reading this blog if you cant handle what is here.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I appreciated every one!
Within seconds I was undressed and being scanned. That perfect beautiful little heart beat was beating so strong. so much easier to see today than the other day. "Do you see it??" She asked.."YES!!!!!" Then she let me hear it...I started to bawl "Oh no dont cry, you are going to need tissues, I dont have tissues!!" I couldnt help it...that sound...that sound was music to my ears!!! I cant tell you how differently I envisioned this appointment. I went alone. I dont like to take my son there because I always worry about those that recently lost a child. I remember how much I hated waiting in there after my daughter died, watching all those kids running and playing.
I came home and cried some more. I was so afraid of hearing those fucking words again. How can it be there is no vomiting this week and last week there was plenty? (this is a rhetorical question please dont tell me this is ok, i am simply expressing my feelings) I know all pregnancies are different but the 2 I already has were eerily the same except for the outcome. My anxiety about having a dead baby inside me again lessons when I puke. It just makes those words "Oh thats a good sign!!" make sense. Whats the sign for preggos that dont puke? Its a bad sign...right? That was what worried me, and that is why I went in and I WILL go in as often as I need to.
The fears of a rainbow pregnancy are something you just cant explain unless you have experienced it. I say this with the most respect..PLEASE do not tell me to calm down or relax. Do not down play my feelings. I am in a very fragile state. I almost bought an u/s machine online to calm myself down, but luckily my drs office offered to have me there as often as I needed. The tech even gave me her cell number today as she hugged me and said she completely understands my fears, yet she has never once been pregnant herself. I held one dead baby, Im not in the market of holding any more.
I need this space to be safe for me....Its my selfish place. I say what I cant say IRL because no one can truly understand me. So please stop reading this blog if you cant handle what is here.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I appreciated every one!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Symptoms???
Is it possible to remedy yourself completely?
I finally got rid of this stupid cold. yesterday I didnt puke at all following my moms advice of small meals and bay leaf water in between. Today I feel pretty good, too good! I have a pretty big appetite which I usually dont have this early on and not so close to the days I was puking and nauseous all day. I ended up puking it ALL and so hard that I broke capillaries in my face and i look like a marked dots all over my face and neck.
I am freaking out....like I feel less pregnant than usual. Im so nervous I called my drs office but they were all gone for the day. Other than not puking again I dont see a rational reason to go to L&D and exposing myself to disgusting germs. I am going to call first thing tomorrow and have them scan me. I cant wait until thursday, Im literally going crazy smelling things that just a few days ago made me gag. Today? Today they smell good again </33333 Something about this doesnt seem right. I was even able to drink regular water again. cold from the bottle. the idea a few days ago made me gag let alone actually doing it.
I am so afraid I have not even said a word of this to my husband.
I feel a little nauseous but thats all....THAT is all?? How?? I know every pregnancy is different but I dont assume symptoms go away this quickly when just saturday I was feeling like total shit.
Please pray for me, my sanity and my sweet little pineapple =*(
I finally got rid of this stupid cold. yesterday I didnt puke at all following my moms advice of small meals and bay leaf water in between. Today I feel pretty good, too good! I have a pretty big appetite which I usually dont have this early on and not so close to the days I was puking and nauseous all day. I ended up puking it ALL and so hard that I broke capillaries in my face and i look like a marked dots all over my face and neck.
I am freaking out....like I feel less pregnant than usual. Im so nervous I called my drs office but they were all gone for the day. Other than not puking again I dont see a rational reason to go to L&D and exposing myself to disgusting germs. I am going to call first thing tomorrow and have them scan me. I cant wait until thursday, Im literally going crazy smelling things that just a few days ago made me gag. Today? Today they smell good again </33333 Something about this doesnt seem right. I was even able to drink regular water again. cold from the bottle. the idea a few days ago made me gag let alone actually doing it.
I am so afraid I have not even said a word of this to my husband.
I feel a little nauseous but thats all....THAT is all?? How?? I know every pregnancy is different but I dont assume symptoms go away this quickly when just saturday I was feeling like total shit.
Please pray for me, my sanity and my sweet little pineapple =*(
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Part 2..sorry for the delay!!
So sorry for the delay...Croup had gotten the best of us here the last few days. my son is doing better which is a relief, but I am not. I have caught it, but the adult version, which is a sore throat and a head cold. ugh.
Thursdays appointment went well. We seen and heard a beautiful little heart beat. The tech knew how nervous I was so once my husband got into the room she went in right away. Before I could even see the screen she said "Ok, you can relax there is a heartbeat, I just have to measure a few things before I can show you but I dont want you to worry"....whew!!!
I have to say the experience this time was completely different from my daughter and my son. With my daughter I had had on and off spotting which was sometimes pink. When it came time for the HB I was extremely scared and unsure. When it came time for my son I was petrified. The last time I had to have an u/s I was told my daughter died...so to me the u/s machine was the devil. When I seen his heartbeat I cried hysterical. This time I knew there would be one. I mean I wasnt afraid of there not being one. I feel very pregnant. The nausea and vomiting is in full effect. I have been able to curb the vomiting with my moms remedies and advice, but the nausea is there all day and all night. There is nothing I 'want' to eat. the thought of food makes me want to puke. I love it because I know things are moving along. This is how it is when I am pregnant. Gender doesnt seem to matter since it was the same way with my other two. You would think 'by now' I would know what works, but I am still learning, even 3rd time in.
Today is my daughters due date. I remember her whole pregnancy not feeling 'attached' to that day. when people would ask when I was due I would always say "Sometime in march". I just didnt think she would be born that day. Intuition? Not sure. But I dont feel a sadness with this day. After she died I had a day in bed on her due date. Not because of the day, but because now pregnancy wasnt the issue anymore, the triggers would become babies. She should be born 'by now'....and 3 years later there are still things she should be doing 'by now'....like helping her little brother color eggs this week, or take a ride on the train in the mall, or egg hunt tomorrow with her older cousins. Instead I am the only one who remembers, who cares, or who thinks of it. But like I said, it wasnt sad today. Its just another reminder of the goal I didnt get to meet with her.
Next u/s is set for thursday. Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. You are a true friend for sticking by me during this amazingly scary and exciting time!! And I love you for it!
Thursdays appointment went well. We seen and heard a beautiful little heart beat. The tech knew how nervous I was so once my husband got into the room she went in right away. Before I could even see the screen she said "Ok, you can relax there is a heartbeat, I just have to measure a few things before I can show you but I dont want you to worry"....whew!!!
I have to say the experience this time was completely different from my daughter and my son. With my daughter I had had on and off spotting which was sometimes pink. When it came time for the HB I was extremely scared and unsure. When it came time for my son I was petrified. The last time I had to have an u/s I was told my daughter died...so to me the u/s machine was the devil. When I seen his heartbeat I cried hysterical. This time I knew there would be one. I mean I wasnt afraid of there not being one. I feel very pregnant. The nausea and vomiting is in full effect. I have been able to curb the vomiting with my moms remedies and advice, but the nausea is there all day and all night. There is nothing I 'want' to eat. the thought of food makes me want to puke. I love it because I know things are moving along. This is how it is when I am pregnant. Gender doesnt seem to matter since it was the same way with my other two. You would think 'by now' I would know what works, but I am still learning, even 3rd time in.
Today is my daughters due date. I remember her whole pregnancy not feeling 'attached' to that day. when people would ask when I was due I would always say "Sometime in march". I just didnt think she would be born that day. Intuition? Not sure. But I dont feel a sadness with this day. After she died I had a day in bed on her due date. Not because of the day, but because now pregnancy wasnt the issue anymore, the triggers would become babies. She should be born 'by now'....and 3 years later there are still things she should be doing 'by now'....like helping her little brother color eggs this week, or take a ride on the train in the mall, or egg hunt tomorrow with her older cousins. Instead I am the only one who remembers, who cares, or who thinks of it. But like I said, it wasnt sad today. Its just another reminder of the goal I didnt get to meet with her.
Next u/s is set for thursday. Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. You are a true friend for sticking by me during this amazingly scary and exciting time!! And I love you for it!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Part 1
Today is *the* day. I am 6w1d (6w2d according to last wks u/s). My appointment for Pineapples heartbeat.
I am feeling really nauseous and have been throwing up almost daily. I *feel* pregnant but until I hear that heart beat I wont be able to sleep.
My son has croup. Thanks to the irresponsible mothers who take their children to parties when they are sick!!! I was nervous so I mentioned I was pregnant to the pediatrician and he assured me that although I may get a sore throat (feeling that today actually) it wont affect the baby. He said baby, not fetus, not embryo..BABY! Too bad more people do not think like him.
Back to today's appointment, I wont be going until my husband gets home around 430. That is like 5+hrs of waiting and then more waiting in the waiting room...I feel like all I have been doing for months is waiting...waiting and waiting!
Ive been feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy. In a way I wonder if that will be taken from me, all I need to have my world rocked is hearing there is no HB...Ive heard that before and I know what that can do to someone.
I wish women's bellies turned see through once you got a BFP so you can just take a look yourself to make sure things are going the way they should.
If all goes as planned I will announce the pregnancy to who ever doesnt already know. Waiting til its "safe" for me is delivery anyway and with the summer around the corner, there will be no way I can hide this mountain (please let me become a mountain!!!!)
If you are the praying type, pray that I hear a nice strong HB today. Pray my little pineapple gets to come home and grow up with his/her older brother...pray I can get through this pregnancy without a nervous breakdown...thank you <3 will update with the dr appt results as soon as I can
I am feeling really nauseous and have been throwing up almost daily. I *feel* pregnant but until I hear that heart beat I wont be able to sleep.
My son has croup. Thanks to the irresponsible mothers who take their children to parties when they are sick!!! I was nervous so I mentioned I was pregnant to the pediatrician and he assured me that although I may get a sore throat (feeling that today actually) it wont affect the baby. He said baby, not fetus, not embryo..BABY! Too bad more people do not think like him.
Back to today's appointment, I wont be going until my husband gets home around 430. That is like 5+hrs of waiting and then more waiting in the waiting room...I feel like all I have been doing for months is waiting...waiting and waiting!
Ive been feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy. In a way I wonder if that will be taken from me, all I need to have my world rocked is hearing there is no HB...Ive heard that before and I know what that can do to someone.
I wish women's bellies turned see through once you got a BFP so you can just take a look yourself to make sure things are going the way they should.
If all goes as planned I will announce the pregnancy to who ever doesnt already know. Waiting til its "safe" for me is delivery anyway and with the summer around the corner, there will be no way I can hide this mountain (please let me become a mountain!!!!)
If you are the praying type, pray that I hear a nice strong HB today. Pray my little pineapple gets to come home and grow up with his/her older brother...pray I can get through this pregnancy without a nervous breakdown...thank you <3 will update with the dr appt results as soon as I can
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Well hello bayleaf water!! Its been a while...
The all day sickness has arrived. It creeped up slowly but its full force now. I even had to ask my husband to make me our family remedy of boiled bay leaf water. Oh how I felt better after the first sip. But unless I can figure out how to pump it into an IV there is no cure for this and I love it!
Its like my very own mommy doppler. Reminds me things are moving along. Hormones are increasing and hopefully the baby is growing and there will be a heart beat this Thursday.
My son has been mimicking me puking. He thinks its hysterical, lol. Hes growing up so quickly. In one month he will be 2 years old and he is officially completely potty trained. I dont even remember the last time I used a diaper on him. He even wears his underwear to bed at night. Its really sweet because he wants to copy his dad, so now he doesnt want any pjs to bed. Just a t-shirt and his underwear. We were playing the other day and he walked away from me, stood in front of his potty and peed. STANDING up!!!?? I didnt even think he would be old enough to do that. Public bathrooms gross me out. I hover so far from the bowl when I have to go its almost like peeing standing up. When it came time for Adrian to pee in public it took me a good 5min to make a nice pillow of toilet paper. 1st time was a success. 2nd time he asked for "Elmo!!" which is the toilet seat insert that makes him 'fit' on a grown up toilet. Well there is no way I am walking around with that. So I did the next best thing, I brought a cup in my diaper bag. I dont know how it didnt dawn on me right from the beginning. He isnt a girl!! He doesnt 'have to' sit for #1!!! He loved the idea and now when we are out and about I bring him in the stall just for privacy because he pees right in the cup. He is pretty good at doing #2 in the house and I guess we will cross that path sooner or later.
When I was pregnant with him I wondered so much what it was like to be pregnant while raising another child. I used to put my dogs paws on my belly when he kicked and always wondered what my daughter would have done if it was her hand on the belly. Tonight before bed he turned to me and said "Mommy's baby?" Lifted my shirt and kissed my belly button!!! I asked if he loved the baby and he said "yes!!" I dont know how he knows...I dont know what he knows...My heart just hopes he gets to love this baby on the outside. He knows about his sister. He pointed to a family portrait I created of us and he refers to her as "sitah". He knows of her but I dont think he knows how important her life is in this family. She has saved his life already. She has saved mine and other family members in my family. Normal circumstances have the parents protecting the children. In this story of mine, she protected all of us....I hope this new baby gets to understand how important she is to him/her too.
Its like my very own mommy doppler. Reminds me things are moving along. Hormones are increasing and hopefully the baby is growing and there will be a heart beat this Thursday.
My son has been mimicking me puking. He thinks its hysterical, lol. Hes growing up so quickly. In one month he will be 2 years old and he is officially completely potty trained. I dont even remember the last time I used a diaper on him. He even wears his underwear to bed at night. Its really sweet because he wants to copy his dad, so now he doesnt want any pjs to bed. Just a t-shirt and his underwear. We were playing the other day and he walked away from me, stood in front of his potty and peed. STANDING up!!!?? I didnt even think he would be old enough to do that. Public bathrooms gross me out. I hover so far from the bowl when I have to go its almost like peeing standing up. When it came time for Adrian to pee in public it took me a good 5min to make a nice pillow of toilet paper. 1st time was a success. 2nd time he asked for "Elmo!!" which is the toilet seat insert that makes him 'fit' on a grown up toilet. Well there is no way I am walking around with that. So I did the next best thing, I brought a cup in my diaper bag. I dont know how it didnt dawn on me right from the beginning. He isnt a girl!! He doesnt 'have to' sit for #1!!! He loved the idea and now when we are out and about I bring him in the stall just for privacy because he pees right in the cup. He is pretty good at doing #2 in the house and I guess we will cross that path sooner or later.
When I was pregnant with him I wondered so much what it was like to be pregnant while raising another child. I used to put my dogs paws on my belly when he kicked and always wondered what my daughter would have done if it was her hand on the belly. Tonight before bed he turned to me and said "Mommy's baby?" Lifted my shirt and kissed my belly button!!! I asked if he loved the baby and he said "yes!!" I dont know how he knows...I dont know what he knows...My heart just hopes he gets to love this baby on the outside. He knows about his sister. He pointed to a family portrait I created of us and he refers to her as "sitah". He knows of her but I dont think he knows how important her life is in this family. She has saved his life already. She has saved mine and other family members in my family. Normal circumstances have the parents protecting the children. In this story of mine, she protected all of us....I hope this new baby gets to understand how important she is to him/her too.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Easter Party at play group...
I took my son to an Easter party at that play group we go to. It was really nice and he had a lot of fun. These memories are so important to me as a mom.
At the end of the party he hugged me, kissed my cheek and said "thank you mommy". My eyes watered up. I didnt expect him to say thank you! Why was he thanking me? I said "What are you thanking me for?" He said "party"....He was thanking me for bringing him to the party. My heart melted out of my chest.
It was really crowded today. The party brought children from all different groups and classes. And a few of the children were running on high energy to say the least. My son isnt used to that. So instead of wanting to play along with children, today he just wanted to play alone and on everything. I was fine with that. He is a really good boy. But today a little boy pushed his nerves and he did push him (literally) and I reminded him we do not put hands on other people and he needed to apologize. He did because he knew to, not because he wanted to. I mean he was right. This other boy was literally all up on him, but it doesnt matter, he needs to know better than that.
As we were getting ready to leave I over heard a 'new' mom talking to a mom I know from our group. I really try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they are venting about their kids. I try to remind myself that I dont know what its like to live in their shoes. But there is NOTHING that can ever excuse verbal abuse.
"I have 2 of the worst kids you could have. The idea of trying again scares me. My mom said I was bad so thats why they are bad. They say lighting doesnt strike twice, but for me it did"
She was putting her childs coat on. He could hear her. I could hear her. The parents all around could hear her. I felt like taking those little boys and bringing them home with me, where they will know nothing but LOVE. Maybe her kids act out because they look for negative attention. Maybe she needs to be more patient with them because all she did the whole time was scream how they better start listening or they were leaving. Really? You give them the chance to be at the party and try to take it away every chance you get? For what?
ughh....hearing shit like that gets under my skin. How can a mom speak like that about her kids? Even when my son is testing me (and at this stage its often) I still dont get out of hand. I did one time and I cried for a few days about yelling!!!! These people act like the children were burdens for them!! TWICE?? If you dont like your 1st kid, you probably wont like any others...so stop trying and CLOSE your legs...
I see shit like this and then I see my friends struggling ttc, losing babies, losing rainbows, losing hope...ALL to have what this woman is taking for granted. Makes me angry.
I try to talk to my husband about things like this but he always plays devils advocate and it gets under my skin. There is NO excuse for this. You dont have to bury your child to love your other children. You love them. Always. And you talk to them, and about them, with respect. THAT is a mother!!! Not this trash I was around.
On a different, pregnant note, today I feel sick....I love it. It actually makes me feel great mentally. I was nauseous at the party and when we got home I puked my guts after lunch. Those really hard, straight from the gut that you pee on yourself pukes...woohoo!! Nothing seems appetizing for me. I puked after pasta, which is usually a favorite of mine. Not for now it wont be! Thursday seems so far away. Im going to keep busy this week by planning the details of my sons bday party next month. That and candy crush that has officially taken over my life, should do the trick. lol.
At the end of the party he hugged me, kissed my cheek and said "thank you mommy". My eyes watered up. I didnt expect him to say thank you! Why was he thanking me? I said "What are you thanking me for?" He said "party"....He was thanking me for bringing him to the party. My heart melted out of my chest.
It was really crowded today. The party brought children from all different groups and classes. And a few of the children were running on high energy to say the least. My son isnt used to that. So instead of wanting to play along with children, today he just wanted to play alone and on everything. I was fine with that. He is a really good boy. But today a little boy pushed his nerves and he did push him (literally) and I reminded him we do not put hands on other people and he needed to apologize. He did because he knew to, not because he wanted to. I mean he was right. This other boy was literally all up on him, but it doesnt matter, he needs to know better than that.
As we were getting ready to leave I over heard a 'new' mom talking to a mom I know from our group. I really try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they are venting about their kids. I try to remind myself that I dont know what its like to live in their shoes. But there is NOTHING that can ever excuse verbal abuse.
"I have 2 of the worst kids you could have. The idea of trying again scares me. My mom said I was bad so thats why they are bad. They say lighting doesnt strike twice, but for me it did"
She was putting her childs coat on. He could hear her. I could hear her. The parents all around could hear her. I felt like taking those little boys and bringing them home with me, where they will know nothing but LOVE. Maybe her kids act out because they look for negative attention. Maybe she needs to be more patient with them because all she did the whole time was scream how they better start listening or they were leaving. Really? You give them the chance to be at the party and try to take it away every chance you get? For what?
ughh....hearing shit like that gets under my skin. How can a mom speak like that about her kids? Even when my son is testing me (and at this stage its often) I still dont get out of hand. I did one time and I cried for a few days about yelling!!!! These people act like the children were burdens for them!! TWICE?? If you dont like your 1st kid, you probably wont like any others...so stop trying and CLOSE your legs...
I see shit like this and then I see my friends struggling ttc, losing babies, losing rainbows, losing hope...ALL to have what this woman is taking for granted. Makes me angry.
I try to talk to my husband about things like this but he always plays devils advocate and it gets under my skin. There is NO excuse for this. You dont have to bury your child to love your other children. You love them. Always. And you talk to them, and about them, with respect. THAT is a mother!!! Not this trash I was around.
On a different, pregnant note, today I feel sick....I love it. It actually makes me feel great mentally. I was nauseous at the party and when we got home I puked my guts after lunch. Those really hard, straight from the gut that you pee on yourself pukes...woohoo!! Nothing seems appetizing for me. I puked after pasta, which is usually a favorite of mine. Not for now it wont be! Thursday seems so far away. Im going to keep busy this week by planning the details of my sons bday party next month. That and candy crush that has officially taken over my life, should do the trick. lol.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Surprise dr visit..
The whole week has been nerve wrecking. I was constantly checking for more spotting. Yesterday I didnt feel comfortable with what I was seeing so I called the drs office after literally giving myself an anxiety attack during the day. He had me go right in. I wished more than anything the nurse said it was nothing to worry about, but this office is better than that. They want to make sure its nothing, before they confirm its nothing.
I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like 50 hours ( probably closer to 45min). They squeezed me in and I dont like when I say this office is always full of preggos (hence the name Dr Vajayjay). I was screaming in my head "JUST TAKE ME NOW!!" Why would you let me wait when I called in with concerns about spotting? I looked around and thought to myself, "There may be others here for that very same reason. Just calm down"....
She finally calls me in the back and I tell her what I think I see. She said she would scan me first and then he would be in to examine me.
She starts to scan me and jokes around saying "You know with those kind of numbers, you could very well be having twins"....My heart literally started pumping like crazy. If I could have taking the wand and started searching myself I would have. "Twins?? My mom is a twin" Then She sees a sac..ONE sac with an adorable little yolk sac measuring exactly what it should have 5w2d (actually supposed to be 5w1d and there is physically no way for that to be incorrect lol, so I guess a day ahead already). She then jokes saying 'Well we just have one sac, but there is no telling if twins can be in there next week when we do the scan for the HB"
I dont think its twins. I mean what I think doesnt really matter, but the progesterone is high because of the supplements and the HCG is high...well because its just high. It wasnt far off from my son's pregnancy or my daughters. Funny thing is they always thought 'twins' with my girl based on numbers.
He comes in and examines me and tells me there is and was absolutely NO blood!! NO old blood, no new blood...NO blood!!! Its a mucus that is forming from the cervical membranes common in pregnancy in some women. Of course I would get this because I am a science project. I felt SUCH a relief. I think I asked him about 5 more times if he was sure it wasnt blood..."*Insert my maiden name* THAT was not blood. Its very healthy and natural and a sign of pregnancy. Nothing to even worry about"....YES!!! Finally, something normal!!!
I told him how Ive been so much more scared this time. How I cant imagine how I will get through this again. He said to me "this pregnancy is going to be a piece of cake" *I cut him off* "Piece of Cake?? For who? For you? For ME its been nothing but anxiety and stress and Im only 5weeks!! How will I get through this??" And then he confirmed (not that I needed more), why I love him "You will be here weekly. We are going to be on you like a hawk, like usual. And if you need to come more. Come." I told him how Ive been afraid to do my regular activities. How afraid I am to hold my son or go food shopping. He told me that was insane. My body doesnt need any restrictions like that and to go home and pick him up!
I left feeling so good! For now. We cancelled tomorrows appt because since we seen a yolk sac yesterday we knew it was too soon for the HB so the appt is set for Thursday. Thursday is also my appt at the other drs for the same thing, so I may just reschedule that one for the following Tuesday. That will calm my nerves in between.
I fell in love all over again. As if I couldnt love this little pineapple anymore...I couldnt help but hug my belly and smile when I got in the car. It feels more real today. And I know from my other two, the reality will settle in more and more as I get to 'know' this baby too. Please...sounds ironic to say pray to your pineapples.BUT if you are a friend of mine pray this baby doesnt die too. thank you.
I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like 50 hours ( probably closer to 45min). They squeezed me in and I dont like when I say this office is always full of preggos (hence the name Dr Vajayjay). I was screaming in my head "JUST TAKE ME NOW!!" Why would you let me wait when I called in with concerns about spotting? I looked around and thought to myself, "There may be others here for that very same reason. Just calm down"....
She finally calls me in the back and I tell her what I think I see. She said she would scan me first and then he would be in to examine me.
She starts to scan me and jokes around saying "You know with those kind of numbers, you could very well be having twins"....My heart literally started pumping like crazy. If I could have taking the wand and started searching myself I would have. "Twins?? My mom is a twin" Then She sees a sac..ONE sac with an adorable little yolk sac measuring exactly what it should have 5w2d (actually supposed to be 5w1d and there is physically no way for that to be incorrect lol, so I guess a day ahead already). She then jokes saying 'Well we just have one sac, but there is no telling if twins can be in there next week when we do the scan for the HB"
I dont think its twins. I mean what I think doesnt really matter, but the progesterone is high because of the supplements and the HCG is high...well because its just high. It wasnt far off from my son's pregnancy or my daughters. Funny thing is they always thought 'twins' with my girl based on numbers.
He comes in and examines me and tells me there is and was absolutely NO blood!! NO old blood, no new blood...NO blood!!! Its a mucus that is forming from the cervical membranes common in pregnancy in some women. Of course I would get this because I am a science project. I felt SUCH a relief. I think I asked him about 5 more times if he was sure it wasnt blood..."*Insert my maiden name* THAT was not blood. Its very healthy and natural and a sign of pregnancy. Nothing to even worry about"....YES!!! Finally, something normal!!!
I told him how Ive been so much more scared this time. How I cant imagine how I will get through this again. He said to me "this pregnancy is going to be a piece of cake" *I cut him off* "Piece of Cake?? For who? For you? For ME its been nothing but anxiety and stress and Im only 5weeks!! How will I get through this??" And then he confirmed (not that I needed more), why I love him "You will be here weekly. We are going to be on you like a hawk, like usual. And if you need to come more. Come." I told him how Ive been afraid to do my regular activities. How afraid I am to hold my son or go food shopping. He told me that was insane. My body doesnt need any restrictions like that and to go home and pick him up!
I left feeling so good! For now. We cancelled tomorrows appt because since we seen a yolk sac yesterday we knew it was too soon for the HB so the appt is set for Thursday. Thursday is also my appt at the other drs for the same thing, so I may just reschedule that one for the following Tuesday. That will calm my nerves in between.
I fell in love all over again. As if I couldnt love this little pineapple anymore...I couldnt help but hug my belly and smile when I got in the car. It feels more real today. And I know from my other two, the reality will settle in more and more as I get to 'know' this baby too. Please...sounds ironic to say pray to your pineapples.BUT if you are a friend of mine pray this baby doesnt die too. thank you.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Update...
no more spotting.
Thank goodness!
Not sure what caused it or what it means but I rested enough for it to not come back.
I was so scared Sunday night I went and put on one of the necklaces I wore for my 1st rainbows pregnancy. With his I literally looked like Mr T (I think ive mentioned that before) but instead of bringing that look back, I kept it simple and wore the one that I was hoping would give me the most luck and protection. Now I feel like if I take this off something will go wrong, since everything went back to 'normal' once I put it back on. I know that sounds nuts, but I believe that you have to do what ever you have to do to get through this insanely SCARY process.
I was going to skip the beta for monday, but after that spotting scare I just had to do it. I swore that the levels would be lower or messed up. I almost didnt want to go just because I was so scared. I had to wait until today to get those results.
The HCG was 2612, based on the calculations 1800 would have been the goal! Progesterone was 55, and 50s seems to be the average rate its keeping which is fine by me. When the specialist called today with them he sounded very optimistic. I told him about the spotting and he said that it was nothing to worry about with numbers like this. I want to add this is the same guy that gave me the results for my ovulation this month who said to "relax"...so yeah, when brown old blood is coming out of your vagina in a pregnancy, let me know if you think its 'nothing'.....0_o
He wanted to have me go in this week but I told him I preferred to wait until a heart beat would be visible. Besides, I have an appt on Saturday with dr vajayjay and based on the dates I would only be 5w3d and therefore probably not even going to see a HB at that appointment. If the numbers continue to raise as they have (more than doubling) I should be at 10,000+ by friday. I seen a lot of info saying you see a HB at 6000, but in my experience with pregnancy I see one after 6w, which is next week. So I scheduled the appointment with his office for the 28th.
I had my first dry heaving this morning and I was SO happy. My son thought it was hysterical and literally starting chanting "My turn mommy!! My turn!!" and he runs over to the toilet, literally as I am hovering over it and pretends to puke by spitting. I nearly peed on myself from laughter!! I had to take a video and send it to my husband (obv not with me puking but of him reenacting) He is one of the number 1 reasons I took the risk of ttc again. Had I not taken it for him I dont know where I would be today, he brings so much joy to my life I never thought possible.
I pointed to my belly and asked him what was inside. He says "baby" and then leans over and gives my belly the softest sweetest little kisses.(this was saturday)..I have NO idea why he would do that since he has never been around a pregnant person before. I dont even know if I mentioned there was a baby in there or if he just listens to everything I say. Even he loves pineapple already!!
In one month it is his birthday. I cant help but wonder if I will still be pregnant at that time. That to me is the most depressing sentence in this post. But its a reality for us. We have already lived through this type of nightmare, so for us to assume lightning doesnt strike twice is ridiculous. I just keep reminding myself this time I have so much on my side. Even more protection than before. I just really pray it all goes the way I wish it to.
My little pineapple...I need you to keep growing and come HOME!!
Thank goodness!
Not sure what caused it or what it means but I rested enough for it to not come back.
I was so scared Sunday night I went and put on one of the necklaces I wore for my 1st rainbows pregnancy. With his I literally looked like Mr T (I think ive mentioned that before) but instead of bringing that look back, I kept it simple and wore the one that I was hoping would give me the most luck and protection. Now I feel like if I take this off something will go wrong, since everything went back to 'normal' once I put it back on. I know that sounds nuts, but I believe that you have to do what ever you have to do to get through this insanely SCARY process.
I was going to skip the beta for monday, but after that spotting scare I just had to do it. I swore that the levels would be lower or messed up. I almost didnt want to go just because I was so scared. I had to wait until today to get those results.
The HCG was 2612, based on the calculations 1800 would have been the goal! Progesterone was 55, and 50s seems to be the average rate its keeping which is fine by me. When the specialist called today with them he sounded very optimistic. I told him about the spotting and he said that it was nothing to worry about with numbers like this. I want to add this is the same guy that gave me the results for my ovulation this month who said to "relax"...so yeah, when brown old blood is coming out of your vagina in a pregnancy, let me know if you think its 'nothing'.....0_o
He wanted to have me go in this week but I told him I preferred to wait until a heart beat would be visible. Besides, I have an appt on Saturday with dr vajayjay and based on the dates I would only be 5w3d and therefore probably not even going to see a HB at that appointment. If the numbers continue to raise as they have (more than doubling) I should be at 10,000+ by friday. I seen a lot of info saying you see a HB at 6000, but in my experience with pregnancy I see one after 6w, which is next week. So I scheduled the appointment with his office for the 28th.
I had my first dry heaving this morning and I was SO happy. My son thought it was hysterical and literally starting chanting "My turn mommy!! My turn!!" and he runs over to the toilet, literally as I am hovering over it and pretends to puke by spitting. I nearly peed on myself from laughter!! I had to take a video and send it to my husband (obv not with me puking but of him reenacting) He is one of the number 1 reasons I took the risk of ttc again. Had I not taken it for him I dont know where I would be today, he brings so much joy to my life I never thought possible.
I pointed to my belly and asked him what was inside. He says "baby" and then leans over and gives my belly the softest sweetest little kisses.(this was saturday)..I have NO idea why he would do that since he has never been around a pregnant person before. I dont even know if I mentioned there was a baby in there or if he just listens to everything I say. Even he loves pineapple already!!
In one month it is his birthday. I cant help but wonder if I will still be pregnant at that time. That to me is the most depressing sentence in this post. But its a reality for us. We have already lived through this type of nightmare, so for us to assume lightning doesnt strike twice is ridiculous. I just keep reminding myself this time I have so much on my side. Even more protection than before. I just really pray it all goes the way I wish it to.
My little pineapple...I need you to keep growing and come HOME!!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Another bump in the road....
Fuck this!!
I cant get a few days of peace?
I finally got the HCG numbers yesterday and they were 450. The original was 191, so it more than doubled and we were happy. We even went out last night to dinner to celebrate this after so many months of struggles.
Today?
Today I noticed something on my underwear, but I wasnt sure because they were beige. It seemed to have color to it. So after a shower I put on white ones. I wiped and seen nothing so thought maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I mean in the last, almost week, I think I broke records on wiping and checking and checking and wiping in search for blood. I went to pee and as much as I wish I was crazy, I seen it. Brownish, wateryish, discharge. I wont call it blood since I learned at the specialist, blood is red. Brown is spotting. So yeah, I had spotting.
PLEASE do not tell me how normal this is. I know there are lots of stories on this. I run a preg group and have seen many positive outcomes. Im me. This is now pregnancy #3 and the only ones I can really compare to are my own. Guess what? I had this same thing with my daughter. I literally whipped our her DPO symptoms chart and on 17dpo I had this exact 'color' and then on 19dpo it was pink after I went #2. Was told it was normal and blah blah we know how that ended. With my son I had something darker at 18w and when I was checked it was not blood at all some 'mucous' thing I forget the name of.
Im not going to the ER because there is nothing they can do and nothing they can check for anyway. Its too early to see anything. I did more blood on friday and I should have those results tomorrow since the specialists office was closed yesterday. I was going to skip the bloodwork for tomorrow but now I am going in. I just need to see where the levels are going. And believe me I know all these numbers mean shit without a heart beat.
Now I am wondering what am I going to do. I have an almost 2yr old to take care of. I am a SAHM/WAHM. I am able to lay in bed today because my husband is off and my mom is visiting. But tomorrow everyone goes back to work. I am well aware that I knew all of this when I was TTC, but I was also praying for a normal damn pregnancy~~!!!!
Is crack really the answer?? Im wondering more and more exactly why my positivity with this pregnancy has to constantly be brought down. Am I showing the universe TOO much happiness? Should I be a hermit and never mention anything. Should my posts not be light hearted? Should I just say "if this baby comes home" instead of "when"....IM SICK of this shit!!!!!!
Id love to be able to do a 'one year ago today' and it be St. Patrick's day 2014 and be able to read this and feel sorry for myself for being so scared, while I am cuddling this baby. THAT Is all I want!!!
Am I just being greedy?????
Damned if you do and damned if you dont~~!!!!
I cant get a few days of peace?
I finally got the HCG numbers yesterday and they were 450. The original was 191, so it more than doubled and we were happy. We even went out last night to dinner to celebrate this after so many months of struggles.
Today?
Today I noticed something on my underwear, but I wasnt sure because they were beige. It seemed to have color to it. So after a shower I put on white ones. I wiped and seen nothing so thought maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I mean in the last, almost week, I think I broke records on wiping and checking and checking and wiping in search for blood. I went to pee and as much as I wish I was crazy, I seen it. Brownish, wateryish, discharge. I wont call it blood since I learned at the specialist, blood is red. Brown is spotting. So yeah, I had spotting.
PLEASE do not tell me how normal this is. I know there are lots of stories on this. I run a preg group and have seen many positive outcomes. Im me. This is now pregnancy #3 and the only ones I can really compare to are my own. Guess what? I had this same thing with my daughter. I literally whipped our her DPO symptoms chart and on 17dpo I had this exact 'color' and then on 19dpo it was pink after I went #2. Was told it was normal and blah blah we know how that ended. With my son I had something darker at 18w and when I was checked it was not blood at all some 'mucous' thing I forget the name of.
Im not going to the ER because there is nothing they can do and nothing they can check for anyway. Its too early to see anything. I did more blood on friday and I should have those results tomorrow since the specialists office was closed yesterday. I was going to skip the bloodwork for tomorrow but now I am going in. I just need to see where the levels are going. And believe me I know all these numbers mean shit without a heart beat.
Now I am wondering what am I going to do. I have an almost 2yr old to take care of. I am a SAHM/WAHM. I am able to lay in bed today because my husband is off and my mom is visiting. But tomorrow everyone goes back to work. I am well aware that I knew all of this when I was TTC, but I was also praying for a normal damn pregnancy~~!!!!
Is crack really the answer?? Im wondering more and more exactly why my positivity with this pregnancy has to constantly be brought down. Am I showing the universe TOO much happiness? Should I be a hermit and never mention anything. Should my posts not be light hearted? Should I just say "if this baby comes home" instead of "when"....IM SICK of this shit!!!!!!
Id love to be able to do a 'one year ago today' and it be St. Patrick's day 2014 and be able to read this and feel sorry for myself for being so scared, while I am cuddling this baby. THAT Is all I want!!!
Am I just being greedy?????
Damned if you do and damned if you dont~~!!!!
Friday, March 15, 2013
I need to relax asap!!!
Today isnt going so smooth.
my lab results were not completed properly. Stupid quest never did the HCG so I only have the progesterone. Tue was 66 Thur was 54..I literally thought my knees were going to buckle when they said that. Even though the number is insanely high I didnt know what it meant. Usually numbers going down are bad, right? Luckily the nurse was able to calm me down by having dr vajayjay get on the phone with me almost immediately. He spoke some scientific language I cant even pretend to remember any other word except "physiology" and basically that number will fluctuate but its in such a high range he isnt even going to concern himself and I should feel good about it. Right, feel good?
I am seriously considering starting a t-shirt line that says "Must Be Nice To Have a Penis" because it seems the ones who are the most relaxed always have them. Well If I had the HCG numbers to compare to I might have been able to relax. But I dont. I also went ahead and did the 2nd batch of blood work for the new specialist. Initially I wasnt going to follow through, but being that I am really nervous I thought having more labs would be better. So when I got there I spoke with the manager of quest and expressed how annoyed I was about the way they handled the blood work. Blah blah blah he jerked me off and said he was handing it and its 730pm and NO results! I seriously feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!!!
I will have them tomorrow, but still, I should have had them today so that tonight I would have a sure feeling about things and not living in limbo. Hate limbo.
I got a nice littler reminder today of how scary this all was/is. In seconds I felt like everything flashed before my eyes. I was losing all my dreams...literally in seconds. Scared is an understatement. I set small goals, but the dreamer in me is sneaking in those future plans already. Id be lying if I wasnt thinking about this baby 24/7. Now Im so scared that this baby will be taken from me. I cant have that!!!!
Of course I feel like all my symptoms are gone. Yet I still have headaches, peeing often and super lethargic. But I need more. Id gladly take puking all day long or smell aversions. My friend always called it a mommy doppler. If I get to that point I am sure I will be cursing typing that line out, but Id much rather be puking because it means I made it to that milestone. And for me both pregnancies went to 20weeks of hypermesis. I welcome it!!!
How will I make it through this time? I need crack!!!! Id probably be better off since crack addicts get those babies as often as I tweeze my eyebrows. Ive been playing candy crush and that has helped to occupy my mind but there is something about the way things are going that reminds me of my daughters pregnancy. With her I used to play farmville like crazy. I caught myself wondering today if candy crush would one day be a trigger of a bad memory. When I was pregnant with my son I had no IRL support. Now it seems like there is a lot more and it reminds me of her pregnancy and I wonder if the comfort they found in my sons successful pregnancy, will lead them to that awful day she died and they will run again, leaving me alone....again.
My head hurts. Literally. I need a vacation from my thoughts. Blogging always helps. Glad I was able to dump all my worries and anxiety here and now hopefully I will rest and get good results tomorrow. I keep telling myself all these numbers mean shit. If there is a heartbeat or not will determine how this future will go. As of right now all they are doing is keeping me informed while I wait for that ultrasound....
I NEED TO RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX
my lab results were not completed properly. Stupid quest never did the HCG so I only have the progesterone. Tue was 66 Thur was 54..I literally thought my knees were going to buckle when they said that. Even though the number is insanely high I didnt know what it meant. Usually numbers going down are bad, right? Luckily the nurse was able to calm me down by having dr vajayjay get on the phone with me almost immediately. He spoke some scientific language I cant even pretend to remember any other word except "physiology" and basically that number will fluctuate but its in such a high range he isnt even going to concern himself and I should feel good about it. Right, feel good?
I am seriously considering starting a t-shirt line that says "Must Be Nice To Have a Penis" because it seems the ones who are the most relaxed always have them. Well If I had the HCG numbers to compare to I might have been able to relax. But I dont. I also went ahead and did the 2nd batch of blood work for the new specialist. Initially I wasnt going to follow through, but being that I am really nervous I thought having more labs would be better. So when I got there I spoke with the manager of quest and expressed how annoyed I was about the way they handled the blood work. Blah blah blah he jerked me off and said he was handing it and its 730pm and NO results! I seriously feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!!!
I will have them tomorrow, but still, I should have had them today so that tonight I would have a sure feeling about things and not living in limbo. Hate limbo.
I got a nice littler reminder today of how scary this all was/is. In seconds I felt like everything flashed before my eyes. I was losing all my dreams...literally in seconds. Scared is an understatement. I set small goals, but the dreamer in me is sneaking in those future plans already. Id be lying if I wasnt thinking about this baby 24/7. Now Im so scared that this baby will be taken from me. I cant have that!!!!
Of course I feel like all my symptoms are gone. Yet I still have headaches, peeing often and super lethargic. But I need more. Id gladly take puking all day long or smell aversions. My friend always called it a mommy doppler. If I get to that point I am sure I will be cursing typing that line out, but Id much rather be puking because it means I made it to that milestone. And for me both pregnancies went to 20weeks of hypermesis. I welcome it!!!
How will I make it through this time? I need crack!!!! Id probably be better off since crack addicts get those babies as often as I tweeze my eyebrows. Ive been playing candy crush and that has helped to occupy my mind but there is something about the way things are going that reminds me of my daughters pregnancy. With her I used to play farmville like crazy. I caught myself wondering today if candy crush would one day be a trigger of a bad memory. When I was pregnant with my son I had no IRL support. Now it seems like there is a lot more and it reminds me of her pregnancy and I wonder if the comfort they found in my sons successful pregnancy, will lead them to that awful day she died and they will run again, leaving me alone....again.
My head hurts. Literally. I need a vacation from my thoughts. Blogging always helps. Glad I was able to dump all my worries and anxiety here and now hopefully I will rest and get good results tomorrow. I keep telling myself all these numbers mean shit. If there is a heartbeat or not will determine how this future will go. As of right now all they are doing is keeping me informed while I wait for that ultrasound....
I NEED TO RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Roller Coaster
Its been a while since I have come here. In a way I wanted to just stop thinking about all of this. The 1st week of the 2ww was pretty simple to get through. I was very busy painting and unfortunately my sister got some devastating news that she is in the early stages of premature ovarian failure and most of my attention was given to her for support and also to help research what that all means at such a young age. It was not easy for us to hear. But she will now see my new specialists infertility department and they will figure out the right course of action for her, if there is one left.
The 2nd part of the 2ww was different. I found myself experiencing strange feelings. I was waking up super hungry and anyone who knows me knows I almost always skip breakfast. But I chalked it up to maybe my metabolism has changed since Ive been forcing myself to eat in the mornings now to take the metformin. I was having awful headaches, but I have had those as well with the progesterone pills. If there was a better word for "short temper" when it came to my patience THAT is what I had all week. I blamed it on the fact that I just have had so much to absorb lately I just needed a mental break. I then had no spotting on CD26 or 27. That is odd. I always spot 2 days before, but I promise you I chalked that up to a friends advise that the progesterone starts to level out at some point and figured thats what it was.
I couldnt be pregnant. I mean we did follow the drs orders, but that was the only day we dtd. It was my daughters bday month and emotionally I was not feeling like doing anything but sticking my head in the ground. And even after those initial 'directions' from the dr, we didnt do it again. I just was tired of feeling like a failure every month.
The day AF was due I woke up and realized I still didnt have it. That was odd. I get it like clock work every month. I didnt even have any pregnancy tests in the house because I was sick of getting BFNs and I said if I found out it would be through blood work. No more money down the drain.
I called my husband who suggested I go buy a test before doing the blood work. Me being the control freak I am, went right away to buy them as well as making the appointment for the beta that same day. Hey, even if the tests didnt show a positive I was curious to see what the blood work said anyways.
I was really pissed. I had a 20% coupon I let expire because I didnt want to jinx it. I get to the register and the FRER was not only on sale, but it went from $25 to $11 for a 3 pack (lets face it I wasnt buying them before, but if I was doing this I was doing it right lol)!! haha! I felt like I won money on a scratch ticket. So I didnt feel badly about getting them. I was happy it wasnt the same sales associate too. She always gives me this look like, "Oh you again?" That wasnt helping my ego either.
I ran in the house and literally pulling my pants off at the same time running towards the rest room. I grab a cup to pee in because I was not taking any chances that I didnt pee directly on it (although by now Id be a professional without even looking Id bet). Nothing. There was nothing on the stick. Then all of a sudden TWO bright pink lines!!!!!! I started screaming like a lunatic (I have never done that before!!) "YES....YES....YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" I literally was running around the house. No pants. Stick in the air. My son then followed me "yesth yesth yesth (with his little lisp). He had no clue why we were doing this, but he thought it was a great game.
I grabbed the IPAD to tell my husband. I had my son hold the stick and Factime his dad. Apparently he understood that when you hold this stick you have to say "yes yes yes" so that is what he was telling daddy. Of course my poor husband just wanted to know what was going on and I quickly told him we were pregnant!! This dr made it happen for us!!
I went that afternoon and had the blood work done. HCG came back at 191 and Progesterone came back at 66!! That was w3d6.
I then went the day after and met with my old OB. I decided that was going to be my plan (after some good advice from you girls!). Use the specialist to get the BFP and use the dr that got my son here to follow along. He performed an u/s and to both our surprise a sac was there at 4w!! A tiny little black hole filled with love already. I swear it even took the shape of a heart. Made me think of a special little girl and I had such a calm over me.
This time its different. Everything is different. Ive never been pregnant and had a living child before now. Ive never been pregnant and experienced a living birth before now. Ive never been pregnant and have the knowledge of 2 clotting disorders before.
I started my shots already. For some reason those bastards burned alot more this time than last time, but I wonder if I was physically numb to pain during that time? What ever the case, it made me go double check the box to make sure it was the right dose. Wasnt expecting that.
My symptoms were all correct. Frequent trips to the bathroom, lower back pain, twinges in my uterus, headaches, emotional, tired, achey, feel like I have a hangover all day. My dogs are literally attached to my hip and cry for me. My boobs are not sore but they are also not without feeling. I literally feel as though I am feeling exactly the symptoms I had for both pregnancies, and it wasnt til a friend blogged those same thoughts today that made me feel less crazy to think.
I could guess right now what I am having, but it doesnt matter either way. I just need this baby to make it home. My lovely friends have given it some a cute name already.
Its different this time because I am trying my best not to let fear rob me of the happy memories, and in the same sentence I want to mention that I am so scared to feel "too" happy because something will go wrong. This baby will die because I let my guard down. Stupid, I know, but doesnt make the thoughts go away.
Im finding myself in a very awkward position, much like I did with my 1st rainbow. Those same friends that carried me through her death, left after I announced his pregnancy. Some were so close to me, I couldnt believe how I was treated. Now I am feeling like I dont know where I belong. Do I belong to these same rainbow mothers? Some of them are not going down the path of pregnancy anymore. Some of them have lost their own rainbows. Some of them have children who died the month this child is due, and it hurts me to know they will fear this baby born on that day. Or who was also due that month. Or who was hoping to also be due that month and so on and so on.
Im a good friend and sometimes I think way too much about how my joy will hurt others...but there is only 1 person who I am the most afraid this pregnancy will hurt. And that is my sister. She assured me last night that there is nothing she wants more than to see this baby come home too. She said I was her hope....It made us both cry. There is a lot of pressure in being someones "hope" but id much rather be that for her and not a reminder of what she may never experience herself.
I wish all women who wanted children can have them as quickly as the thought came. I wish those mothers who were undeserving suffered the pains and the good moms suffered with joys.
PLEASE do not mention any of this on my FB. There are many people I do not allow access to this link. There are also many people I have not told this to IRL and I would hate to deal with drama.
You can feel free to follow along with this next part of our life. I may want to make this private at some point so I can share pictures. So please leave your email so when the day comes I can easily contact you with the link.
Its been a very emotional roller coaster, but ive experienced nothing less after losing my daughter. The only thing I ask is that you hope and pray that I never have to experience loss again....Thank you for your support up until now. And I do hope you continue to follow along =)
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
This & That
It has been a while since I posted here.
This month was long (even though its so short!) and draining and I am soooo glad its almost over! WOOHOO!!!!!
I had my ovulation cycle tracked from CD9-CD13 ,and it showed ovulation on CD13 at a level of 24 (last month was 23 on CD14). This months level was with the metformin, prenatals, vitamin D and Metanx. I started the progesterone sunday night (if i am right?) since my dr said to take it during ovulation. I was supposed to ovulate on Tuesday (based on mymonthlycycles site) but this month it was on Monday. The reason he was tracking was to see if I needed clomid or other ovulation triggering meds, which they do not think I need as of right now.
The drs partner called yesterday to give me the results. He sounded so positive it made me almost want to puke! "Your levels are really high! You def ovulated, did you have sex last night?"...Um excuse me? Of course we didnt because the nurse at the last appt told me to do it every other day and not all the time and since I was supposed to ovulate Tuesday we were waiting.
disclaimer: Sorry if this is TMI, but this is my space to talk about this. I have literally no one to talk about this with and writing here anonymously has really made me feel 'less alone' even though no one is probably reading it. So its going to be tmi from time to time..
He told me with levels like this that he has a feeling that I am not getting pregnant because of stress...YES...stress....Did I not have stress 6mon after my daughter died? Because I got pregnant that time with only 1 try, and I am pretty sure I didnt leave my bed at all during those months from STRESS! This was the partner and Im sure he didnt read my chart before calling, so he doesnt know what the dr and I have spoken about. I reminded him that LAST month my level was just as high and it didnt stick either. He then said what I HATE TO HEAR "Try and relax. Just have fun with it. Then call us when you miss your period. Dont worry, you will get pregnant."
If "relaxing" was automatically administered with direction...ID RELAX ALL THE TIME...I am relaxed..although not this month, but previously I was relaxed. I didnt fret over the holidays without my daughter. I am probably happier than I ever imagined. STRESS isnt causing this Partner Dr!!! Read my chart!!
He proceeded to instruct us to try that night. So we wait...again...
I dont think anyone really understands that seeing AF is soooo hard!! This month it wasnt so hard because I knew I wasnt pregnant and with the low vitamin D level I was more afraid of losing a baby than seeing AF. Its the monthly reminder of my body not working right that I just cant handle.
Part of me wants to stop all these meds and stop this. Stop tracking and taking blood tests. Stop setting myself up for disappointment and failure. I feel like the jealous people are putting evil eyes on me and thats why I cant get pregnant <-----THAT sounds like a psycho, but its true. I know I sound crazy, but I feel like people look too much at what other people have because of what is missing in their life, and some how their negative vibes stick like glue.
I have been taking more and more control of who I keep in my life and made some steps to remove the ones who dont care. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Ive never been one to "collect" friends. I would rather have 3 GREAT friends than 300 good ones....I want people to love ME like I love THEM. Im tired of giving so much of myself only to have shit handed back to me. Sorry, another tangent, but I just feel like with every birthday of my daughters that passes I see peoples TRUE colors and I see who cares and who doesnt and who just uses me. Im a good judge of character, but sometimes people slip through my cracks, but not for long, and they too shall go.
This month was long (even though its so short!) and draining and I am soooo glad its almost over! WOOHOO!!!!!
I had my ovulation cycle tracked from CD9-CD13 ,and it showed ovulation on CD13 at a level of 24 (last month was 23 on CD14). This months level was with the metformin, prenatals, vitamin D and Metanx. I started the progesterone sunday night (if i am right?) since my dr said to take it during ovulation. I was supposed to ovulate on Tuesday (based on mymonthlycycles site) but this month it was on Monday. The reason he was tracking was to see if I needed clomid or other ovulation triggering meds, which they do not think I need as of right now.
The drs partner called yesterday to give me the results. He sounded so positive it made me almost want to puke! "Your levels are really high! You def ovulated, did you have sex last night?"...Um excuse me? Of course we didnt because the nurse at the last appt told me to do it every other day and not all the time and since I was supposed to ovulate Tuesday we were waiting.
disclaimer: Sorry if this is TMI, but this is my space to talk about this. I have literally no one to talk about this with and writing here anonymously has really made me feel 'less alone' even though no one is probably reading it. So its going to be tmi from time to time..
He told me with levels like this that he has a feeling that I am not getting pregnant because of stress...YES...stress....Did I not have stress 6mon after my daughter died? Because I got pregnant that time with only 1 try, and I am pretty sure I didnt leave my bed at all during those months from STRESS! This was the partner and Im sure he didnt read my chart before calling, so he doesnt know what the dr and I have spoken about. I reminded him that LAST month my level was just as high and it didnt stick either. He then said what I HATE TO HEAR "Try and relax. Just have fun with it. Then call us when you miss your period. Dont worry, you will get pregnant."
If "relaxing" was automatically administered with direction...ID RELAX ALL THE TIME...I am relaxed..although not this month, but previously I was relaxed. I didnt fret over the holidays without my daughter. I am probably happier than I ever imagined. STRESS isnt causing this Partner Dr!!! Read my chart!!
He proceeded to instruct us to try that night. So we wait...again...
I dont think anyone really understands that seeing AF is soooo hard!! This month it wasnt so hard because I knew I wasnt pregnant and with the low vitamin D level I was more afraid of losing a baby than seeing AF. Its the monthly reminder of my body not working right that I just cant handle.
Part of me wants to stop all these meds and stop this. Stop tracking and taking blood tests. Stop setting myself up for disappointment and failure. I feel like the jealous people are putting evil eyes on me and thats why I cant get pregnant <-----THAT sounds like a psycho, but its true. I know I sound crazy, but I feel like people look too much at what other people have because of what is missing in their life, and some how their negative vibes stick like glue.
I have been taking more and more control of who I keep in my life and made some steps to remove the ones who dont care. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Ive never been one to "collect" friends. I would rather have 3 GREAT friends than 300 good ones....I want people to love ME like I love THEM. Im tired of giving so much of myself only to have shit handed back to me. Sorry, another tangent, but I just feel like with every birthday of my daughters that passes I see peoples TRUE colors and I see who cares and who doesnt and who just uses me. Im a good judge of character, but sometimes people slip through my cracks, but not for long, and they too shall go.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Worst mother of the year award goes to me....
Today I suck at being a mother.
There. I said it.
I cant be perfect everyday. You would assume I would be ok with this but I am not. I am really angry at myself.
My son is getting closer and closer to 2years old, and that phase they call "terrible twos". I dont like the world terrible. I found that term really insulting when my daughter was turning 2 in Heaven. To me that was terrible. So I always said the "trying 2s". He is trying me and I am trying to contain myself. I noticed over the last few weeks he has been becoming more independent. He wants to choose his clothes and most of the time its by color, and he always wants to wear the same thing, I think its great and I encourage it. Its not such an easy task when the same green super hero shirt is in the wash. It doesnt go over well. Usually I can convince him with a different fav shirt, but sometimes the tantrum follows and I walk away. I dont entertain him because I dont want him to learn that tantrums get results.
He has also started deciding what he wants to eat. I am fine with this too. Now I learned to ask him if he is hungry, and then I ask what he would like to eat. That really minimized the stress of cooking when he wasnt ready and having to pull tricks for him to eat. It also made it easier because I was cooking what he liked so I know he would want it. I know this isnt the best thing to start. I know I should be cooking what ever I want and he is to know he has no choice. But really? Is it that serious? Just cook what he likes and he will eat.
But now we are going into a whole new world. He is choosing which episodes he wants to watch and if I dont have it on DVR or on DVD the fits start. I will admit that this week especially, the TV has been a good friend to me. I usually let him watch *maybe* 2 episodes a day. This week Its been on all day. He doesnt watch it, but Id be lying if I wasnt hoping he would. Just for now at least. I dont feel well. Emotionally I am a disaster. I cant grieve how I have been able to in the past for her birthday. 2 years ago I was pregnant with him so staying in bed all day crying was pretty easy to do. Last year he was almost 1 so he was ok with playing on the floor or with some toys. I dont remember it being this hard to do with him around. He is very aware of my feelings. When I cry he gets very sad. So I try not to in front of him. I dont want him to remember a mother who is always crying, even if it is for his sister. But again I am doing something wrong. By holding it all in I am really getting overwhelmed. I am feeling really frustrated and what probably wouldnt bother me on a regular week, is making me feel like the worst mother ever, because I have NO PATIENCE.
He started doing things this week he never does. Slapping me, throwing himself on the floor, hitting himself (which oddly I also did as a child) if he doesnt get his way. The power struggles are coming full speed and I am just not ready. Not this month. Give me a break universe!! Really?? On top of all the shit I already have in my head you also want to remind me I have no experience with this either??
I caught myself doing what I promised I would NEVER do to him....I yelled. Loud. He just froze and started crying. I couldnt believe what I did. I just collapsed my head into my hands and followed along. Now we were both crying on his bedroom floor. He came to me and pulled my hands away, while still crying, "Mommy, you Ok?"....I felt/feel like a piece of SHIT!!!!! I dont know what to do. I dont know how to ask him to just be a little more himself just the next few days. Give mommy the time to be her mother too. Being her mother requires tears, especially this month. Being her mother requires me to feel like my heart is hurting, especially this week. The flashbacks have begun. The lump in the throat has begun. I was hoping and praying this wouldnt start again. I dont want to feel like this!!!! It doesnt end, not for me....In fact its worse, because now I have to pull myself together when I dont want to. I dont have a choice though.
I look like a zombie. I know I do. My husband simply asked me what was wrong tonight, and I could barely get out "nothing.." without crying. I HATE crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me vulnerable and pathetic and I HATE feeling like that. But the pain of her death is still so real. I dont know how to show I miss her and Im so sorry I couldnt save HER without crying....Its all I can do. Ive told her I was sorry 500000x but it doesnt make the pain less.
Worst mother of the year award goes to me....
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Holy Triggers..
AF came this morning...CD1, and so it begins, again....
A few weeks ago I said I wanted to try my best to battle the triggers. Today I accomplished a major one going to Church. Church? Yes...church. 3 years ago on Ash Wednesday was the last time I heard my daughters heartbeat. It was the 1st time we took my stepson along for the u/s appointment. It was a great day. I wanted so badly to get my ashes during my pregnancy. As hard as it was to walk (sciatica) I wanted to go. We went to a few churches before we found one that was doing a mass. I wobbled myself and my stepson into the church. Tears formed in my eyes as I was blessed by the priest. I blessed my belly with the holy water as we walked out.
She died that monday.
I have not went to get my ashes since then. I didnt take my son last year. I didnt go the year I was pregnant with him. Today I went. I took my son inside church. He looked around and smiled at the strangers around him. He got his 1st ashes, and in a way I got my 1st ashes again too. I looked around and saw a few bellies ready to pop. My heart cringed. I wondered if any of them would suffer the same fate as me. Would they wobble their pregnant bodies out of here today and then walk out of the hospital with out a baby in a week? It sounds impossible, but statistics prove otherwise.
I walked out a little scared. Im not going to lie. As much as I know nothing that I do or repeat from those 'weeks' before her death, can cause my son to die, it doesnt stop the fears. But I was proud of myself for allowing my son to experience something that was a big trigger or me. I felt like I really am doing as much as I can to make sure he isnt affected by his sisters death.
I am praying to who ever listens to these prayers to give me peace the next 11 days. ....
A few weeks ago I said I wanted to try my best to battle the triggers. Today I accomplished a major one going to Church. Church? Yes...church. 3 years ago on Ash Wednesday was the last time I heard my daughters heartbeat. It was the 1st time we took my stepson along for the u/s appointment. It was a great day. I wanted so badly to get my ashes during my pregnancy. As hard as it was to walk (sciatica) I wanted to go. We went to a few churches before we found one that was doing a mass. I wobbled myself and my stepson into the church. Tears formed in my eyes as I was blessed by the priest. I blessed my belly with the holy water as we walked out.
She died that monday.
I have not went to get my ashes since then. I didnt take my son last year. I didnt go the year I was pregnant with him. Today I went. I took my son inside church. He looked around and smiled at the strangers around him. He got his 1st ashes, and in a way I got my 1st ashes again too. I looked around and saw a few bellies ready to pop. My heart cringed. I wondered if any of them would suffer the same fate as me. Would they wobble their pregnant bodies out of here today and then walk out of the hospital with out a baby in a week? It sounds impossible, but statistics prove otherwise.
I walked out a little scared. Im not going to lie. As much as I know nothing that I do or repeat from those 'weeks' before her death, can cause my son to die, it doesnt stop the fears. But I was proud of myself for allowing my son to experience something that was a big trigger or me. I felt like I really am doing as much as I can to make sure he isnt affected by his sisters death.
I am praying to who ever listens to these prayers to give me peace the next 11 days. ....
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Another Dr. Appt.
I called up the drs office yesterday and told the nurse about the spotting. She had me come in today to see the dr.
AF was due today. Still no AF. Still just spotting and 2BFN =*(
He ran blood tests and we discussed in more details all the info we have right now. More tests came back normal and that is really good. He said I ovulated this month at a 2.7? Not sure what that means. He said that the D3 level he'd like to get me to is 50 and so 4000iu daily will get me there soon. I asked him about the 90-100 range and he said 50+/- is where the average person lays and that is my goal.
Then....
Then he proceeds to ask me who my OB is. "You?" And he said, "no honey. I will be the one to get you pregnant and monitor the baby. But I do not deliver babies anymore. I did it for a while and I stopped. I felt like a prostitute" ( I promise you he said this!! LMAO) "I had to make the conscious decision about my purpose in pregnancy. That is monitoring and saving babies. There are other people who can deliver them." That was a problem for me. He is not affiliated with the hospital my son was born at, which is where Dr vajayjay is stationed at. That would mean another OB and another hospital. That was something I wasnt ready to hear. His hospital is a 25min ride. 45 in traffic. "what if there is an emergency??" Then he proceeds to tell me that the peris at the hospital i delivered at are at 'war' with him. They literally refused to treat one of his patients that went in as an ER yesterday. So he has made the final decision to only treat patients who work with drs that are affiliated with his hospital.
I will get back to that in a second...
We spoke about the fibroids and I mentioned to him that a friend said they can affect implantation, and he said "Yes they can depending on location. ALL of yours are on the outside of the uterus. Your uterus is completely smooth inside". I felt soooo relieved!! One less thing to worry about. The biggest fibroid I do have is about the size of a plum, so this should not give me any pain etc. And again he stressed how common they are for women my age.
He asked for a blood draw for me today. HCG/Progesterone. I asked if they would do a urine test 1st and he said absolutely not. I rely on what the blood tells me, not those tests. (Of course I didnt listen went and bought one after the appt and BFN right in my face) And he also gave me four RX to follow my ovulation levels this month. Days 9,11,13,15 of this cycle to see how I do. He said if I dont get pregnant this cycle with those numbers he will be able to decide if we should try clomid.
I came out of the appt feeling a little better about whats been going on. At least my blood work didnt give me more shit to worry about. At least I have a plan if I dont get pregnant. But I was really confused about staying with this dr now. My husband said I can think about it if I want and see the other drs he suggested (the nurse said these 2 brother OBS have saved MORE babies in the 10 years she is there than any other OBs they work with). I could use him to get me pregnant and then go back to Dr vajayjay who was more than competent with my rainbow. Or I could stop all these meds. Go to dr vajayjay and have him create a plan for me. This is alot to absorb in one day and it left me a little confused tonight. The only thing I do know for sure is that *he* can not be part of the plan if I stick with the original drs I had with my son....
What should I do???????? I have a lot to think about here, but my gut is saying to stick with dr vajayjay and so is my husband. Like I have said before, those 2 have a bromance going on and he does care about me like his own daughter (his words). My husband did ask me tonight if we'd be able to keep him on board along side dr jayjays peris and that I was not sure about.
My head hurts (literally). Ive had a migraine for a few days. I just wish AF would show her face so we can move forward.....
AF was due today. Still no AF. Still just spotting and 2BFN =*(
He ran blood tests and we discussed in more details all the info we have right now. More tests came back normal and that is really good. He said I ovulated this month at a 2.7? Not sure what that means. He said that the D3 level he'd like to get me to is 50 and so 4000iu daily will get me there soon. I asked him about the 90-100 range and he said 50+/- is where the average person lays and that is my goal.
Then....
Then he proceeds to ask me who my OB is. "You?" And he said, "no honey. I will be the one to get you pregnant and monitor the baby. But I do not deliver babies anymore. I did it for a while and I stopped. I felt like a prostitute" ( I promise you he said this!! LMAO) "I had to make the conscious decision about my purpose in pregnancy. That is monitoring and saving babies. There are other people who can deliver them." That was a problem for me. He is not affiliated with the hospital my son was born at, which is where Dr vajayjay is stationed at. That would mean another OB and another hospital. That was something I wasnt ready to hear. His hospital is a 25min ride. 45 in traffic. "what if there is an emergency??" Then he proceeds to tell me that the peris at the hospital i delivered at are at 'war' with him. They literally refused to treat one of his patients that went in as an ER yesterday. So he has made the final decision to only treat patients who work with drs that are affiliated with his hospital.
I will get back to that in a second...
We spoke about the fibroids and I mentioned to him that a friend said they can affect implantation, and he said "Yes they can depending on location. ALL of yours are on the outside of the uterus. Your uterus is completely smooth inside". I felt soooo relieved!! One less thing to worry about. The biggest fibroid I do have is about the size of a plum, so this should not give me any pain etc. And again he stressed how common they are for women my age.
He asked for a blood draw for me today. HCG/Progesterone. I asked if they would do a urine test 1st and he said absolutely not. I rely on what the blood tells me, not those tests. (Of course I didnt listen went and bought one after the appt and BFN right in my face) And he also gave me four RX to follow my ovulation levels this month. Days 9,11,13,15 of this cycle to see how I do. He said if I dont get pregnant this cycle with those numbers he will be able to decide if we should try clomid.
I came out of the appt feeling a little better about whats been going on. At least my blood work didnt give me more shit to worry about. At least I have a plan if I dont get pregnant. But I was really confused about staying with this dr now. My husband said I can think about it if I want and see the other drs he suggested (the nurse said these 2 brother OBS have saved MORE babies in the 10 years she is there than any other OBs they work with). I could use him to get me pregnant and then go back to Dr vajayjay who was more than competent with my rainbow. Or I could stop all these meds. Go to dr vajayjay and have him create a plan for me. This is alot to absorb in one day and it left me a little confused tonight. The only thing I do know for sure is that *he* can not be part of the plan if I stick with the original drs I had with my son....
What should I do???????? I have a lot to think about here, but my gut is saying to stick with dr vajayjay and so is my husband. Like I have said before, those 2 have a bromance going on and he does care about me like his own daughter (his words). My husband did ask me tonight if we'd be able to keep him on board along side dr jayjays peris and that I was not sure about.
My head hurts (literally). Ive had a migraine for a few days. I just wish AF would show her face so we can move forward.....
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Dragging Out....
Last night I had some pink spotting. I was pretty sure AF was starting early. Over night there was nothing, and today I am back to LB spotting. This is very unusual for me. 5days before AF is due I never spot. I get spotting 2 days before, so if this was a normal cycle I would have started red today.
Ive been reading a lot tonight on break through bleeding. Many sites say its normal to have this a day or 2 before AF (spotting) but 6days before warrants checking it out. Some sites said pregnancy related, fibroids, estrogen levels dropping etc. The fibroids make sense to me. But why this month? Of all the months we have been ttc, this is the 1st month I have it so soon. Could it be the progesterone causing this to start so soon?
When I seen the red last night I was pretty certain AF was starting and I was OK. I didnt cry and I didnt feel like I was defeated. I just felt like I had to really think hard about when I would TTC again. I dont feel safe trying with these levels all screwed up.
But something in me is still holding onto hope this isnt over, and I KNOW its crazy. I dont feel pregnant at all. I have headaches, but this is most likely these pills. Anything I am feeling is all pointing to AF. Ive become a pro, but until I see that red again it isnt over....thats what is annoying me.
I was fine last night because I felt like I was getting the answer. I didnt have to play the guessing game. I didnt have to keep wondering if my body was doing this again. This dragging my face through the mud is really annoying!!!
I didnt take the progesterone last night because I thought AF started. My dr ordered me to stop if it showed up. Since it didnt show up 'officially' I took it tonight. All my years in the RR I remembered alot of girls spotted on n off because of progesterone and I wondered if that is what caused this early spotting and not necessarily AF. I wish AF would just start already so I can stop this guessing game. I know its coming. I feel it. I just need to see it.
I will say though I woke up with a lot of energy today. I was able to actually CLEAN my house and mop and get it back to looking like its my house and not an abandoned shack. Im embarassed to say the dust in my bedroom was able to have the words "Clean me" written into them :/ That is sooooo unlike me! Ive just been picking my battles this month. Between being so depressed her bday is coming up and feeling like shit, I couldnt do what I usually do and thats ok. I allowed myself that much at least. I had 3 laundry bags full of clean clothes that needed to be put away for a few days already. My poor husband had been 'shopping' out of them, without complaint. He knows I am doing my best. Im not a super woman as much as I try to be. The most important thing to focus on this month was my son, and thats all I really cared to look after.
I usually dont say this, but I wish I had a magic ball to see how things played out for the rest of this year. A friend pointed out tomorrow starts the Chinese New Year, the year of the water snake. I came across this tonight as well, pretty cool. Hope its true for me and many of my friends ttc :::
Ive been reading a lot tonight on break through bleeding. Many sites say its normal to have this a day or 2 before AF (spotting) but 6days before warrants checking it out. Some sites said pregnancy related, fibroids, estrogen levels dropping etc. The fibroids make sense to me. But why this month? Of all the months we have been ttc, this is the 1st month I have it so soon. Could it be the progesterone causing this to start so soon?
When I seen the red last night I was pretty certain AF was starting and I was OK. I didnt cry and I didnt feel like I was defeated. I just felt like I had to really think hard about when I would TTC again. I dont feel safe trying with these levels all screwed up.
But something in me is still holding onto hope this isnt over, and I KNOW its crazy. I dont feel pregnant at all. I have headaches, but this is most likely these pills. Anything I am feeling is all pointing to AF. Ive become a pro, but until I see that red again it isnt over....thats what is annoying me.
I was fine last night because I felt like I was getting the answer. I didnt have to play the guessing game. I didnt have to keep wondering if my body was doing this again. This dragging my face through the mud is really annoying!!!
I didnt take the progesterone last night because I thought AF started. My dr ordered me to stop if it showed up. Since it didnt show up 'officially' I took it tonight. All my years in the RR I remembered alot of girls spotted on n off because of progesterone and I wondered if that is what caused this early spotting and not necessarily AF. I wish AF would just start already so I can stop this guessing game. I know its coming. I feel it. I just need to see it.
I will say though I woke up with a lot of energy today. I was able to actually CLEAN my house and mop and get it back to looking like its my house and not an abandoned shack. Im embarassed to say the dust in my bedroom was able to have the words "Clean me" written into them :/ That is sooooo unlike me! Ive just been picking my battles this month. Between being so depressed her bday is coming up and feeling like shit, I couldnt do what I usually do and thats ok. I allowed myself that much at least. I had 3 laundry bags full of clean clothes that needed to be put away for a few days already. My poor husband had been 'shopping' out of them, without complaint. He knows I am doing my best. Im not a super woman as much as I try to be. The most important thing to focus on this month was my son, and thats all I really cared to look after.
I usually dont say this, but I wish I had a magic ball to see how things played out for the rest of this year. A friend pointed out tomorrow starts the Chinese New Year, the year of the water snake. I came across this tonight as well, pretty cool. Hope its true for me and many of my friends ttc :::
The WATER SNAKE of 2013, paves the path for re-birth, new beginnings and transformation as she sheds her skin.
Water is the womb of life and seeds being planted for the future. By the year of the HORSE in 2014, when the elements finally line up amicably–wood for growth and creativity and fire for passion –the world will feel right again. The Water Snake year will plant the embryo to bear fruit in 2014. This is a time to set your ship on course to manifest your wildest dreams.
This year let go of all attachments—emotional, mental, physical, financial, and spiritual- that may be holding you back. Transform them, like the Water Snake, into something of value that will help you move ahead to the next level of your be-ing. As with anything, you must research your past to detect patterns and behaviors that no longer work for you in order to change the course of the future.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Deficient in D3??? Sure...why not!
Still spotting...this is throwing me off now. AF is due tuesday. I would usually start spotting 2 days before. I started this thursday. Since I know exactly the day I ovulated does that give me a short luteal phase?
I called the Dr's office today to see if perhaps some of the 50 million test results were in. CBC normal, thyroid normal, Vitamin D3 not normal. What? WTH is D3? I didnt know there were different kinds of vitamin D. Apparently there are. And my level is at 30. I didnt think to ask what a normal level was, but she said I was "severely deficient' and needed to start taking supplements for that. 4000iu a day. Some of the girls knew what this was and suggested I up the amount. I will follow the nurses's orders until I speak directly with the dr on tuesday. Once I googled D3 deficiency symptoms, I was not surprised at all. I could check yes to everything but high blood pressure!!! Crazy! The lower back pain was really shocking. I have always complained about my back. My husband says I should have married a masseuse cause all I do is ask him to rub it, lol. Im curious to see when the levels return to normal if lots of these symptoms disappear.
I told her I started spotting and I was really sad because we dtd, like the dr ordered, that day and it still didnt work. She said that no matter what happens (AF shows or not) to call up and let the dr know so that they can go from there. She gave me some tips on when to dtd. That was an awkward conversation to say the least. Never thought Id get directions.
Ive been feeling good as far as the meds go. Still feeling sluggish, and headaches, and loss of appetite, but nothing major.
I dont know where we go from here. I guess continue to regime. Get the vitamin D3 up. keeping having my heart broken?
On a different note..........
I had some time to play with my son in the snow today. Ive dreamt of this moment for a LONG time! When my daughter died it snowed the 'worst' this area has seen in a while. I couldnt stand to see snow. It literally gave me triggers of her burial. When I was pregnant with my rainbow it snowed more than anything else :/ One time it snowed 20inches!!! The more it snowed with him, the more I started to imagine playing with him in it. It made that sadness a little brighter.
Last year he was too small. he hated it actually and it didnt snow more than a few times. TODAY? Today he loved it. He played and I took pics, and videos and videos and pics. I wanted to make sure I remembered this moment forever. A moment I never imagined Id be able to have. And I stopped. Literally. I stared at him. I realized I have right in front of me what I keep dreaming for. I want more because he has done so much for my heart.
We cooked dinner together like we do every night. Again I stopped and stared at him. I sucked the tears in watching him "chop" the shavings on the zucchini. Another moment I never thought Id have.
So while yesterday I felt cheated. Today I feel lucky. Some dont even have this....and for that I am grateful <3
Thank you for your kind words and comments. It isnt usual for me to share such personal things like this. My daughters death was different. This makes me feel more vulnerable for some reason. I dont like to feel pitied. But I do find comfort in knowing I am 'not alone'.
xo
I called the Dr's office today to see if perhaps some of the 50 million test results were in. CBC normal, thyroid normal, Vitamin D3 not normal. What? WTH is D3? I didnt know there were different kinds of vitamin D. Apparently there are. And my level is at 30. I didnt think to ask what a normal level was, but she said I was "severely deficient' and needed to start taking supplements for that. 4000iu a day. Some of the girls knew what this was and suggested I up the amount. I will follow the nurses's orders until I speak directly with the dr on tuesday. Once I googled D3 deficiency symptoms, I was not surprised at all. I could check yes to everything but high blood pressure!!! Crazy! The lower back pain was really shocking. I have always complained about my back. My husband says I should have married a masseuse cause all I do is ask him to rub it, lol. Im curious to see when the levels return to normal if lots of these symptoms disappear.
I told her I started spotting and I was really sad because we dtd, like the dr ordered, that day and it still didnt work. She said that no matter what happens (AF shows or not) to call up and let the dr know so that they can go from there. She gave me some tips on when to dtd. That was an awkward conversation to say the least. Never thought Id get directions.
Ive been feeling good as far as the meds go. Still feeling sluggish, and headaches, and loss of appetite, but nothing major.
I dont know where we go from here. I guess continue to regime. Get the vitamin D3 up. keeping having my heart broken?
On a different note..........
I had some time to play with my son in the snow today. Ive dreamt of this moment for a LONG time! When my daughter died it snowed the 'worst' this area has seen in a while. I couldnt stand to see snow. It literally gave me triggers of her burial. When I was pregnant with my rainbow it snowed more than anything else :/ One time it snowed 20inches!!! The more it snowed with him, the more I started to imagine playing with him in it. It made that sadness a little brighter.
Last year he was too small. he hated it actually and it didnt snow more than a few times. TODAY? Today he loved it. He played and I took pics, and videos and videos and pics. I wanted to make sure I remembered this moment forever. A moment I never imagined Id be able to have. And I stopped. Literally. I stared at him. I realized I have right in front of me what I keep dreaming for. I want more because he has done so much for my heart.
We cooked dinner together like we do every night. Again I stopped and stared at him. I sucked the tears in watching him "chop" the shavings on the zucchini. Another moment I never thought Id have.
So while yesterday I felt cheated. Today I feel lucky. Some dont even have this....and for that I am grateful <3
Thank you for your kind words and comments. It isnt usual for me to share such personal things like this. My daughters death was different. This makes me feel more vulnerable for some reason. I dont like to feel pitied. But I do find comfort in knowing I am 'not alone'.
xo
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Spotting...</3
AF isnt due until Tuesday, but I spotted tonight. Thats a sure sign shes coming. happens to me all the time. ( Please do not comment if you are going to tell me it can be implantation bleeding. Please do not tell me to think positive. )
Im so angry with myself and my body. Ive had my usual PMS symptoms. Ive become a pro actually.
I knew I wanted to skip this month because I couldnt handle a BFN/AF before her birthday. Too much sadness at once.
I hate this....
Hate....
Im just sitting here in the dark crying. Im also sick of hearing how awful its been for others. How I already have 1 rainbow I should be grateful. How some still have yet to get that. I feel like screaming at them, "You happy now? Its not happening!! You feel better now?" Believe me, my heart aches for those. But when it comes to this. Im selfish. Just like I want my daughter here, and not floating on some clouds. I want more children. For us. This is the part of my life that seems to keep getting shoved back into my face. My reject body rejecting babies.
And with the statistics I heard from this new Dr. Its literally that. My body repelling the babies from implanting. What a way to make you feel like shit.
When I came out of the bathroom I wanted to just start crying right there. But I held it in, as I usually do. Im not a crier and I really prefer not to have an audience when I actually do. I just said to my husband "Im spotting. It didnt work again." And his face froze. "Is it due already?" Of course he is trying to find the bright side of it. But since he has a penis he will never understand. Must be nice to own one of those. Have literally one part in this whole process while I have to have flashbacks every single month.
I really dont know how much longer Id be able to get have this heart break every month. Am I asking too much??? I remember when my daughter died screaming "If she was going to die why did I even get pregnant. Why take her??"....Maybe God is answering that question now. Maybe another pregnancy would end in death...again. And if that is the case, I really dont need to get pregnant. Im already a mental mess as it is.
But now everyone knows around us. My inlaws know. My brother, his gf. Everyone. And as much as its no ones business but ours. I feel like I am a failure in front of everyone. Again.
I hate February.....
Monday, February 4, 2013
Trial & Error
I feel like a voluntary lab rat.
Im not a fan of taking medication.
When these options were given to me as a way to help us get rainbow #2 I didnt even think twice. I went the same night and filled the scripts. It was that simple. I want another baby much more than I want to be all natural. Im not even that 'all natural' anyways, I just dont like pills.
Well day 1 was great! Day 2 was ok too. Day 3? Day 3 on metformin felt like I had a stomach virus. Chills, sweats, and trapped in the bathroom for 3hrs. I felt like garbage. How can I take care of my son when I feel like this? Once the 3hrs were up I felt better again, and I started to google. Since I have never been on these meds I didnt know what to expect personally. I heard lots of feedback from the girls, and even the dr mentioned it can give some gastro issues, but I didnt know exactly what would happen. Those 2days of no side effects also through me off.
I read a lot of sites of people who were suffering those symptoms who were eating too many carbs. No carbs. That was going to be tricky. Even as a vegan (when I was before my daughter) I was still able to eat pasta and rice. Now what would I eat? I dont like meat. I will have a burger I make myself, but to have a huge slab of carcass on my dish with a side of salad just isnt me. And guess what? I did it. I eliminated carbs. I found some great recipes for breakfasts (since I have to take the meds after I eat in the AM n PM) and made it happen. No 'stomach virus' symptoms. YAY!!
Next day I wake up and I am not feeling right. I felt drained. I was very white in the face. My hands and arms were trembling. I felt like I was about to faint. I felt dizzy. Oh shit, is my sugar too low now?? I dont have the glucose meter. I was alone at home with my son. I said to myself, "screw this, I am going to eat carbs right now because Id rather shit my life away than have my son see me passed out on the floor with no one to find me for hrs".
I started to google again. Google can really help you. I noticed I was able to eat 30g of carbs per meal, and luckily a friend was able to confirm what I read. whew!! It wasnt the carbs I had to eliminate, it was the man made carbs (pasta, bread etc). Ok easy. I can def do that!! I love veggies and I was kind of freaking out because alot of the veggies n fruits i eat are full of carbs.
Guess what? Now I cant go. Like at all. Google again. Find out this is another 'side effect' of metformin. One I did not hear about from the girls. Of course, my luck. So I ate pasta, figured since that was what took my life out of me, it would work again. Not so much.
Tomorrow I will add a few tablespoons of cocunt oil to my daily intake of things. Why not? It should help my stomach and its good tasting too.
And my thoughts on progesterone? yeah, this is legal weed in a pill. I constantly feel high. I feel tired. I feel like I just dont want to get off my couch. I liked the sleeping part the first few days, but the groggy cant move my body part isnt so fun.
One 'side effect' of not having my son watch TV all day, is on days like these when I felt like shit, literally, I couldnt just put the TV on for him and he would sit there. I still had to be his mother.
And I made that work too.
He never knew a thing. I on the other hand have had several breakdowns. It shouldnt be this hard, and believe me I know it can be harder. But this is MY hard. I dont discredit anyone elses struggles ttc and I wish others wouldnt minimize mine.
Physically tonight I feel good. I am afraid to even type that and jinx myself, but after 3years of feeling like everything I did jinxed my daughter to die, I know better. Typing how I feel wont create more 'side effects'.
As the month gets closer to her birthday my patience is even less. Add her birthday, added hormones, stress, grief, and anger and I am a bomb ready to explode.
Im so scared for what the next week will bring. I gave myself small goals to take away the pressure. Goal #1 was the Dr. Goal #2 blood work. Goal #3 the day AF is due. That is one week away and I am literally afraid of that goal. =(((
Im not a fan of taking medication.
When these options were given to me as a way to help us get rainbow #2 I didnt even think twice. I went the same night and filled the scripts. It was that simple. I want another baby much more than I want to be all natural. Im not even that 'all natural' anyways, I just dont like pills.
Well day 1 was great! Day 2 was ok too. Day 3? Day 3 on metformin felt like I had a stomach virus. Chills, sweats, and trapped in the bathroom for 3hrs. I felt like garbage. How can I take care of my son when I feel like this? Once the 3hrs were up I felt better again, and I started to google. Since I have never been on these meds I didnt know what to expect personally. I heard lots of feedback from the girls, and even the dr mentioned it can give some gastro issues, but I didnt know exactly what would happen. Those 2days of no side effects also through me off.
I read a lot of sites of people who were suffering those symptoms who were eating too many carbs. No carbs. That was going to be tricky. Even as a vegan (when I was before my daughter) I was still able to eat pasta and rice. Now what would I eat? I dont like meat. I will have a burger I make myself, but to have a huge slab of carcass on my dish with a side of salad just isnt me. And guess what? I did it. I eliminated carbs. I found some great recipes for breakfasts (since I have to take the meds after I eat in the AM n PM) and made it happen. No 'stomach virus' symptoms. YAY!!
Next day I wake up and I am not feeling right. I felt drained. I was very white in the face. My hands and arms were trembling. I felt like I was about to faint. I felt dizzy. Oh shit, is my sugar too low now?? I dont have the glucose meter. I was alone at home with my son. I said to myself, "screw this, I am going to eat carbs right now because Id rather shit my life away than have my son see me passed out on the floor with no one to find me for hrs".
I started to google again. Google can really help you. I noticed I was able to eat 30g of carbs per meal, and luckily a friend was able to confirm what I read. whew!! It wasnt the carbs I had to eliminate, it was the man made carbs (pasta, bread etc). Ok easy. I can def do that!! I love veggies and I was kind of freaking out because alot of the veggies n fruits i eat are full of carbs.
Guess what? Now I cant go. Like at all. Google again. Find out this is another 'side effect' of metformin. One I did not hear about from the girls. Of course, my luck. So I ate pasta, figured since that was what took my life out of me, it would work again. Not so much.
Tomorrow I will add a few tablespoons of cocunt oil to my daily intake of things. Why not? It should help my stomach and its good tasting too.
And my thoughts on progesterone? yeah, this is legal weed in a pill. I constantly feel high. I feel tired. I feel like I just dont want to get off my couch. I liked the sleeping part the first few days, but the groggy cant move my body part isnt so fun.
One 'side effect' of not having my son watch TV all day, is on days like these when I felt like shit, literally, I couldnt just put the TV on for him and he would sit there. I still had to be his mother.
And I made that work too.
He never knew a thing. I on the other hand have had several breakdowns. It shouldnt be this hard, and believe me I know it can be harder. But this is MY hard. I dont discredit anyone elses struggles ttc and I wish others wouldnt minimize mine.
Physically tonight I feel good. I am afraid to even type that and jinx myself, but after 3years of feeling like everything I did jinxed my daughter to die, I know better. Typing how I feel wont create more 'side effects'.
As the month gets closer to her birthday my patience is even less. Add her birthday, added hormones, stress, grief, and anger and I am a bomb ready to explode.
Im so scared for what the next week will bring. I gave myself small goals to take away the pressure. Goal #1 was the Dr. Goal #2 blood work. Goal #3 the day AF is due. That is one week away and I am literally afraid of that goal. =(((
Friday, February 1, 2013
A little bit of this and a little bit of that...
When this dr ordered me to have blood work done, I wasnt shocked. I was shocked today when the lab tech was refusing to do all the tests in one day. "This isnt allowed!! You have too many. You will need to break it up into 2days". I rolled my eyes because I am used to hearing that, "Miss Ive done 22 viles before. I can do this!" She had to get her supervisor in to approve. I seriously wanted to laugh at her, until I heard the amount she was asking permission to take. "This patient needs to have all these done today. It will be at least 50". 50?? WTF is he testing for?? Her supervisor explained to her that the only patients they can refuse to do that many to, are children, and she is to continue if I am ok with it. Ok 50 seemed like a lot, so I asked her to please count. It was actually 42...!!!!! I asked her not to stick my left arm. The veins suck there. Just stick the right one and you can probably fill jugs with no issues. Did she listen? No, she insisted the left was 'just fine'...ok...after a swollen vein and about 20 tubes she had to stick me again in the other arm....42 in total and I was just fine. Like I told her I would be. I couldnt use my arm for a few hours today! sucked balls!!
I had my son with me. I usually have my mom watch him because children in dr's offices or labs gross me out. I feel like I am just asking for him to get sick. I might as well have him lick the bottoms of shoes for fun. But I had no choice. Today my mom worked, and like many other moms in this world, I made it work. I came prepared with his IPAD, snacks and his toy of the week, a plush puppy he bought one day when we went to visit my daughters grave.
I think of all that had to be done in the lab, the hardest part was when the supervisor asked "is he your only one?" This question is annoying but I guess its 'normal' for people to wonder. Maybe because he was so well behaved while he waited in his stroller, she had to assume I knew what I was doing? "No, hes not my daughter passed away" and then the "im so sorry" and the "its ok dont worry about it" and then, I was SHOCKED...."Was she stillborn?" What gave that away? I mean, WOW.....there are hundreds of ways children can die. Sadly I know lots of crazy stories. "Yes...wow, how did you know that? Its almost 3 years now"..."Well, look at all the blood work you are doing. We dont get many women in here doing that much unless they had a stillborn"...I didnt know whether to feel relieved that other women in this city have had stillborns too (and im not the only one) or to feel sick to my stomach that there are women who have had to sit here and go through this process too.
My son must have realized what was going on because he asked if "mommy have booboo?" I just said "yes..."but I wished I could have said no.
Today starts the month that I literally cant breath through. My patience is so minimal you can probably say its non existent. I wonder if I am the only one that feels like this. I wonder if I am the only one that cringes looking at the expiration dates of foods because I dont want to see anything else 'go bad' on that day. I dont want to see anything on tv that will premier that day. I just want everyone to skip mentioning the word February. My mind involuntarily starts to flash back to what ever I was doing on that day. "dr appt, shopping, painting, decorating, etc etc etc". I cant remember what I ate yesterday, but I can literally map that whole month right out. Its haunting.
I dont feel the ache like I did last year. I dont think my mind has been allowed to 'go there'. But I feel the sadness living in the corner. It peaks out and I push it back. It peaks out and I push it back. Its probably why I am feeling so angry. Anger is fear. I will never forget my friend telling me that after she died. I fear she is forgotten every day. Not by you all, I know you dont. But by the rest of the world. Its just easier for them if I never mention her death. If I smiled all the time. If I had a fb status that just spoke about laughing and smiling. If I just accepted how ever they chose to comfort me, instead of having my own feelings about it. 1 day down 27 more to go!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)