So sorry for the delay...Croup had gotten the best of us here the last few days. my son is doing better which is a relief, but I am not. I have caught it, but the adult version, which is a sore throat and a head cold. ugh.
Thursdays appointment went well. We seen and heard a beautiful little heart beat. The tech knew how nervous I was so once my husband got into the room she went in right away. Before I could even see the screen she said "Ok, you can relax there is a heartbeat, I just have to measure a few things before I can show you but I dont want you to worry"....whew!!!
I have to say the experience this time was completely different from my daughter and my son. With my daughter I had had on and off spotting which was sometimes pink. When it came time for the HB I was extremely scared and unsure. When it came time for my son I was petrified. The last time I had to have an u/s I was told my daughter died...so to me the u/s machine was the devil. When I seen his heartbeat I cried hysterical. This time I knew there would be one. I mean I wasnt afraid of there not being one. I feel very pregnant. The nausea and vomiting is in full effect. I have been able to curb the vomiting with my moms remedies and advice, but the nausea is there all day and all night. There is nothing I 'want' to eat. the thought of food makes me want to puke. I love it because I know things are moving along. This is how it is when I am pregnant. Gender doesnt seem to matter since it was the same way with my other two. You would think 'by now' I would know what works, but I am still learning, even 3rd time in.
Today is my daughters due date. I remember her whole pregnancy not feeling 'attached' to that day. when people would ask when I was due I would always say "Sometime in march". I just didnt think she would be born that day. Intuition? Not sure. But I dont feel a sadness with this day. After she died I had a day in bed on her due date. Not because of the day, but because now pregnancy wasnt the issue anymore, the triggers would become babies. She should be born 'by now'....and 3 years later there are still things she should be doing 'by now'....like helping her little brother color eggs this week, or take a ride on the train in the mall, or egg hunt tomorrow with her older cousins. Instead I am the only one who remembers, who cares, or who thinks of it. But like I said, it wasnt sad today. Its just another reminder of the goal I didnt get to meet with her.
Next u/s is set for thursday. Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. You are a true friend for sticking by me during this amazingly scary and exciting time!! And I love you for it!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Part 1
Today is *the* day. I am 6w1d (6w2d according to last wks u/s). My appointment for Pineapples heartbeat.
I am feeling really nauseous and have been throwing up almost daily. I *feel* pregnant but until I hear that heart beat I wont be able to sleep.
My son has croup. Thanks to the irresponsible mothers who take their children to parties when they are sick!!! I was nervous so I mentioned I was pregnant to the pediatrician and he assured me that although I may get a sore throat (feeling that today actually) it wont affect the baby. He said baby, not fetus, not embryo..BABY! Too bad more people do not think like him.
Back to today's appointment, I wont be going until my husband gets home around 430. That is like 5+hrs of waiting and then more waiting in the waiting room...I feel like all I have been doing for months is waiting...waiting and waiting!
Ive been feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy. In a way I wonder if that will be taken from me, all I need to have my world rocked is hearing there is no HB...Ive heard that before and I know what that can do to someone.
I wish women's bellies turned see through once you got a BFP so you can just take a look yourself to make sure things are going the way they should.
If all goes as planned I will announce the pregnancy to who ever doesnt already know. Waiting til its "safe" for me is delivery anyway and with the summer around the corner, there will be no way I can hide this mountain (please let me become a mountain!!!!)
If you are the praying type, pray that I hear a nice strong HB today. Pray my little pineapple gets to come home and grow up with his/her older brother...pray I can get through this pregnancy without a nervous breakdown...thank you <3 will update with the dr appt results as soon as I can
I am feeling really nauseous and have been throwing up almost daily. I *feel* pregnant but until I hear that heart beat I wont be able to sleep.
My son has croup. Thanks to the irresponsible mothers who take their children to parties when they are sick!!! I was nervous so I mentioned I was pregnant to the pediatrician and he assured me that although I may get a sore throat (feeling that today actually) it wont affect the baby. He said baby, not fetus, not embryo..BABY! Too bad more people do not think like him.
Back to today's appointment, I wont be going until my husband gets home around 430. That is like 5+hrs of waiting and then more waiting in the waiting room...I feel like all I have been doing for months is waiting...waiting and waiting!
Ive been feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy. In a way I wonder if that will be taken from me, all I need to have my world rocked is hearing there is no HB...Ive heard that before and I know what that can do to someone.
I wish women's bellies turned see through once you got a BFP so you can just take a look yourself to make sure things are going the way they should.
If all goes as planned I will announce the pregnancy to who ever doesnt already know. Waiting til its "safe" for me is delivery anyway and with the summer around the corner, there will be no way I can hide this mountain (please let me become a mountain!!!!)
If you are the praying type, pray that I hear a nice strong HB today. Pray my little pineapple gets to come home and grow up with his/her older brother...pray I can get through this pregnancy without a nervous breakdown...thank you <3 will update with the dr appt results as soon as I can
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Well hello bayleaf water!! Its been a while...
The all day sickness has arrived. It creeped up slowly but its full force now. I even had to ask my husband to make me our family remedy of boiled bay leaf water. Oh how I felt better after the first sip. But unless I can figure out how to pump it into an IV there is no cure for this and I love it!
Its like my very own mommy doppler. Reminds me things are moving along. Hormones are increasing and hopefully the baby is growing and there will be a heart beat this Thursday.
My son has been mimicking me puking. He thinks its hysterical, lol. Hes growing up so quickly. In one month he will be 2 years old and he is officially completely potty trained. I dont even remember the last time I used a diaper on him. He even wears his underwear to bed at night. Its really sweet because he wants to copy his dad, so now he doesnt want any pjs to bed. Just a t-shirt and his underwear. We were playing the other day and he walked away from me, stood in front of his potty and peed. STANDING up!!!?? I didnt even think he would be old enough to do that. Public bathrooms gross me out. I hover so far from the bowl when I have to go its almost like peeing standing up. When it came time for Adrian to pee in public it took me a good 5min to make a nice pillow of toilet paper. 1st time was a success. 2nd time he asked for "Elmo!!" which is the toilet seat insert that makes him 'fit' on a grown up toilet. Well there is no way I am walking around with that. So I did the next best thing, I brought a cup in my diaper bag. I dont know how it didnt dawn on me right from the beginning. He isnt a girl!! He doesnt 'have to' sit for #1!!! He loved the idea and now when we are out and about I bring him in the stall just for privacy because he pees right in the cup. He is pretty good at doing #2 in the house and I guess we will cross that path sooner or later.
When I was pregnant with him I wondered so much what it was like to be pregnant while raising another child. I used to put my dogs paws on my belly when he kicked and always wondered what my daughter would have done if it was her hand on the belly. Tonight before bed he turned to me and said "Mommy's baby?" Lifted my shirt and kissed my belly button!!! I asked if he loved the baby and he said "yes!!" I dont know how he knows...I dont know what he knows...My heart just hopes he gets to love this baby on the outside. He knows about his sister. He pointed to a family portrait I created of us and he refers to her as "sitah". He knows of her but I dont think he knows how important her life is in this family. She has saved his life already. She has saved mine and other family members in my family. Normal circumstances have the parents protecting the children. In this story of mine, she protected all of us....I hope this new baby gets to understand how important she is to him/her too.
Its like my very own mommy doppler. Reminds me things are moving along. Hormones are increasing and hopefully the baby is growing and there will be a heart beat this Thursday.
My son has been mimicking me puking. He thinks its hysterical, lol. Hes growing up so quickly. In one month he will be 2 years old and he is officially completely potty trained. I dont even remember the last time I used a diaper on him. He even wears his underwear to bed at night. Its really sweet because he wants to copy his dad, so now he doesnt want any pjs to bed. Just a t-shirt and his underwear. We were playing the other day and he walked away from me, stood in front of his potty and peed. STANDING up!!!?? I didnt even think he would be old enough to do that. Public bathrooms gross me out. I hover so far from the bowl when I have to go its almost like peeing standing up. When it came time for Adrian to pee in public it took me a good 5min to make a nice pillow of toilet paper. 1st time was a success. 2nd time he asked for "Elmo!!" which is the toilet seat insert that makes him 'fit' on a grown up toilet. Well there is no way I am walking around with that. So I did the next best thing, I brought a cup in my diaper bag. I dont know how it didnt dawn on me right from the beginning. He isnt a girl!! He doesnt 'have to' sit for #1!!! He loved the idea and now when we are out and about I bring him in the stall just for privacy because he pees right in the cup. He is pretty good at doing #2 in the house and I guess we will cross that path sooner or later.
When I was pregnant with him I wondered so much what it was like to be pregnant while raising another child. I used to put my dogs paws on my belly when he kicked and always wondered what my daughter would have done if it was her hand on the belly. Tonight before bed he turned to me and said "Mommy's baby?" Lifted my shirt and kissed my belly button!!! I asked if he loved the baby and he said "yes!!" I dont know how he knows...I dont know what he knows...My heart just hopes he gets to love this baby on the outside. He knows about his sister. He pointed to a family portrait I created of us and he refers to her as "sitah". He knows of her but I dont think he knows how important her life is in this family. She has saved his life already. She has saved mine and other family members in my family. Normal circumstances have the parents protecting the children. In this story of mine, she protected all of us....I hope this new baby gets to understand how important she is to him/her too.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Easter Party at play group...
I took my son to an Easter party at that play group we go to. It was really nice and he had a lot of fun. These memories are so important to me as a mom.
At the end of the party he hugged me, kissed my cheek and said "thank you mommy". My eyes watered up. I didnt expect him to say thank you! Why was he thanking me? I said "What are you thanking me for?" He said "party"....He was thanking me for bringing him to the party. My heart melted out of my chest.
It was really crowded today. The party brought children from all different groups and classes. And a few of the children were running on high energy to say the least. My son isnt used to that. So instead of wanting to play along with children, today he just wanted to play alone and on everything. I was fine with that. He is a really good boy. But today a little boy pushed his nerves and he did push him (literally) and I reminded him we do not put hands on other people and he needed to apologize. He did because he knew to, not because he wanted to. I mean he was right. This other boy was literally all up on him, but it doesnt matter, he needs to know better than that.
As we were getting ready to leave I over heard a 'new' mom talking to a mom I know from our group. I really try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they are venting about their kids. I try to remind myself that I dont know what its like to live in their shoes. But there is NOTHING that can ever excuse verbal abuse.
"I have 2 of the worst kids you could have. The idea of trying again scares me. My mom said I was bad so thats why they are bad. They say lighting doesnt strike twice, but for me it did"
She was putting her childs coat on. He could hear her. I could hear her. The parents all around could hear her. I felt like taking those little boys and bringing them home with me, where they will know nothing but LOVE. Maybe her kids act out because they look for negative attention. Maybe she needs to be more patient with them because all she did the whole time was scream how they better start listening or they were leaving. Really? You give them the chance to be at the party and try to take it away every chance you get? For what?
ughh....hearing shit like that gets under my skin. How can a mom speak like that about her kids? Even when my son is testing me (and at this stage its often) I still dont get out of hand. I did one time and I cried for a few days about yelling!!!! These people act like the children were burdens for them!! TWICE?? If you dont like your 1st kid, you probably wont like any others...so stop trying and CLOSE your legs...
I see shit like this and then I see my friends struggling ttc, losing babies, losing rainbows, losing hope...ALL to have what this woman is taking for granted. Makes me angry.
I try to talk to my husband about things like this but he always plays devils advocate and it gets under my skin. There is NO excuse for this. You dont have to bury your child to love your other children. You love them. Always. And you talk to them, and about them, with respect. THAT is a mother!!! Not this trash I was around.
On a different, pregnant note, today I feel sick....I love it. It actually makes me feel great mentally. I was nauseous at the party and when we got home I puked my guts after lunch. Those really hard, straight from the gut that you pee on yourself pukes...woohoo!! Nothing seems appetizing for me. I puked after pasta, which is usually a favorite of mine. Not for now it wont be! Thursday seems so far away. Im going to keep busy this week by planning the details of my sons bday party next month. That and candy crush that has officially taken over my life, should do the trick. lol.
At the end of the party he hugged me, kissed my cheek and said "thank you mommy". My eyes watered up. I didnt expect him to say thank you! Why was he thanking me? I said "What are you thanking me for?" He said "party"....He was thanking me for bringing him to the party. My heart melted out of my chest.
It was really crowded today. The party brought children from all different groups and classes. And a few of the children were running on high energy to say the least. My son isnt used to that. So instead of wanting to play along with children, today he just wanted to play alone and on everything. I was fine with that. He is a really good boy. But today a little boy pushed his nerves and he did push him (literally) and I reminded him we do not put hands on other people and he needed to apologize. He did because he knew to, not because he wanted to. I mean he was right. This other boy was literally all up on him, but it doesnt matter, he needs to know better than that.
As we were getting ready to leave I over heard a 'new' mom talking to a mom I know from our group. I really try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they are venting about their kids. I try to remind myself that I dont know what its like to live in their shoes. But there is NOTHING that can ever excuse verbal abuse.
"I have 2 of the worst kids you could have. The idea of trying again scares me. My mom said I was bad so thats why they are bad. They say lighting doesnt strike twice, but for me it did"
She was putting her childs coat on. He could hear her. I could hear her. The parents all around could hear her. I felt like taking those little boys and bringing them home with me, where they will know nothing but LOVE. Maybe her kids act out because they look for negative attention. Maybe she needs to be more patient with them because all she did the whole time was scream how they better start listening or they were leaving. Really? You give them the chance to be at the party and try to take it away every chance you get? For what?
ughh....hearing shit like that gets under my skin. How can a mom speak like that about her kids? Even when my son is testing me (and at this stage its often) I still dont get out of hand. I did one time and I cried for a few days about yelling!!!! These people act like the children were burdens for them!! TWICE?? If you dont like your 1st kid, you probably wont like any others...so stop trying and CLOSE your legs...
I see shit like this and then I see my friends struggling ttc, losing babies, losing rainbows, losing hope...ALL to have what this woman is taking for granted. Makes me angry.
I try to talk to my husband about things like this but he always plays devils advocate and it gets under my skin. There is NO excuse for this. You dont have to bury your child to love your other children. You love them. Always. And you talk to them, and about them, with respect. THAT is a mother!!! Not this trash I was around.
On a different, pregnant note, today I feel sick....I love it. It actually makes me feel great mentally. I was nauseous at the party and when we got home I puked my guts after lunch. Those really hard, straight from the gut that you pee on yourself pukes...woohoo!! Nothing seems appetizing for me. I puked after pasta, which is usually a favorite of mine. Not for now it wont be! Thursday seems so far away. Im going to keep busy this week by planning the details of my sons bday party next month. That and candy crush that has officially taken over my life, should do the trick. lol.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Surprise dr visit..
The whole week has been nerve wrecking. I was constantly checking for more spotting. Yesterday I didnt feel comfortable with what I was seeing so I called the drs office after literally giving myself an anxiety attack during the day. He had me go right in. I wished more than anything the nurse said it was nothing to worry about, but this office is better than that. They want to make sure its nothing, before they confirm its nothing.
I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like 50 hours ( probably closer to 45min). They squeezed me in and I dont like when I say this office is always full of preggos (hence the name Dr Vajayjay). I was screaming in my head "JUST TAKE ME NOW!!" Why would you let me wait when I called in with concerns about spotting? I looked around and thought to myself, "There may be others here for that very same reason. Just calm down"....
She finally calls me in the back and I tell her what I think I see. She said she would scan me first and then he would be in to examine me.
She starts to scan me and jokes around saying "You know with those kind of numbers, you could very well be having twins"....My heart literally started pumping like crazy. If I could have taking the wand and started searching myself I would have. "Twins?? My mom is a twin" Then She sees a sac..ONE sac with an adorable little yolk sac measuring exactly what it should have 5w2d (actually supposed to be 5w1d and there is physically no way for that to be incorrect lol, so I guess a day ahead already). She then jokes saying 'Well we just have one sac, but there is no telling if twins can be in there next week when we do the scan for the HB"
I dont think its twins. I mean what I think doesnt really matter, but the progesterone is high because of the supplements and the HCG is high...well because its just high. It wasnt far off from my son's pregnancy or my daughters. Funny thing is they always thought 'twins' with my girl based on numbers.
He comes in and examines me and tells me there is and was absolutely NO blood!! NO old blood, no new blood...NO blood!!! Its a mucus that is forming from the cervical membranes common in pregnancy in some women. Of course I would get this because I am a science project. I felt SUCH a relief. I think I asked him about 5 more times if he was sure it wasnt blood..."*Insert my maiden name* THAT was not blood. Its very healthy and natural and a sign of pregnancy. Nothing to even worry about"....YES!!! Finally, something normal!!!
I told him how Ive been so much more scared this time. How I cant imagine how I will get through this again. He said to me "this pregnancy is going to be a piece of cake" *I cut him off* "Piece of Cake?? For who? For you? For ME its been nothing but anxiety and stress and Im only 5weeks!! How will I get through this??" And then he confirmed (not that I needed more), why I love him "You will be here weekly. We are going to be on you like a hawk, like usual. And if you need to come more. Come." I told him how Ive been afraid to do my regular activities. How afraid I am to hold my son or go food shopping. He told me that was insane. My body doesnt need any restrictions like that and to go home and pick him up!
I left feeling so good! For now. We cancelled tomorrows appt because since we seen a yolk sac yesterday we knew it was too soon for the HB so the appt is set for Thursday. Thursday is also my appt at the other drs for the same thing, so I may just reschedule that one for the following Tuesday. That will calm my nerves in between.
I fell in love all over again. As if I couldnt love this little pineapple anymore...I couldnt help but hug my belly and smile when I got in the car. It feels more real today. And I know from my other two, the reality will settle in more and more as I get to 'know' this baby too. Please...sounds ironic to say pray to your pineapples.BUT if you are a friend of mine pray this baby doesnt die too. thank you.
I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like 50 hours ( probably closer to 45min). They squeezed me in and I dont like when I say this office is always full of preggos (hence the name Dr Vajayjay). I was screaming in my head "JUST TAKE ME NOW!!" Why would you let me wait when I called in with concerns about spotting? I looked around and thought to myself, "There may be others here for that very same reason. Just calm down"....
She finally calls me in the back and I tell her what I think I see. She said she would scan me first and then he would be in to examine me.
She starts to scan me and jokes around saying "You know with those kind of numbers, you could very well be having twins"....My heart literally started pumping like crazy. If I could have taking the wand and started searching myself I would have. "Twins?? My mom is a twin" Then She sees a sac..ONE sac with an adorable little yolk sac measuring exactly what it should have 5w2d (actually supposed to be 5w1d and there is physically no way for that to be incorrect lol, so I guess a day ahead already). She then jokes saying 'Well we just have one sac, but there is no telling if twins can be in there next week when we do the scan for the HB"
I dont think its twins. I mean what I think doesnt really matter, but the progesterone is high because of the supplements and the HCG is high...well because its just high. It wasnt far off from my son's pregnancy or my daughters. Funny thing is they always thought 'twins' with my girl based on numbers.
He comes in and examines me and tells me there is and was absolutely NO blood!! NO old blood, no new blood...NO blood!!! Its a mucus that is forming from the cervical membranes common in pregnancy in some women. Of course I would get this because I am a science project. I felt SUCH a relief. I think I asked him about 5 more times if he was sure it wasnt blood..."*Insert my maiden name* THAT was not blood. Its very healthy and natural and a sign of pregnancy. Nothing to even worry about"....YES!!! Finally, something normal!!!
I told him how Ive been so much more scared this time. How I cant imagine how I will get through this again. He said to me "this pregnancy is going to be a piece of cake" *I cut him off* "Piece of Cake?? For who? For you? For ME its been nothing but anxiety and stress and Im only 5weeks!! How will I get through this??" And then he confirmed (not that I needed more), why I love him "You will be here weekly. We are going to be on you like a hawk, like usual. And if you need to come more. Come." I told him how Ive been afraid to do my regular activities. How afraid I am to hold my son or go food shopping. He told me that was insane. My body doesnt need any restrictions like that and to go home and pick him up!
I left feeling so good! For now. We cancelled tomorrows appt because since we seen a yolk sac yesterday we knew it was too soon for the HB so the appt is set for Thursday. Thursday is also my appt at the other drs for the same thing, so I may just reschedule that one for the following Tuesday. That will calm my nerves in between.
I fell in love all over again. As if I couldnt love this little pineapple anymore...I couldnt help but hug my belly and smile when I got in the car. It feels more real today. And I know from my other two, the reality will settle in more and more as I get to 'know' this baby too. Please...sounds ironic to say pray to your pineapples.BUT if you are a friend of mine pray this baby doesnt die too. thank you.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Update...
no more spotting.
Thank goodness!
Not sure what caused it or what it means but I rested enough for it to not come back.
I was so scared Sunday night I went and put on one of the necklaces I wore for my 1st rainbows pregnancy. With his I literally looked like Mr T (I think ive mentioned that before) but instead of bringing that look back, I kept it simple and wore the one that I was hoping would give me the most luck and protection. Now I feel like if I take this off something will go wrong, since everything went back to 'normal' once I put it back on. I know that sounds nuts, but I believe that you have to do what ever you have to do to get through this insanely SCARY process.
I was going to skip the beta for monday, but after that spotting scare I just had to do it. I swore that the levels would be lower or messed up. I almost didnt want to go just because I was so scared. I had to wait until today to get those results.
The HCG was 2612, based on the calculations 1800 would have been the goal! Progesterone was 55, and 50s seems to be the average rate its keeping which is fine by me. When the specialist called today with them he sounded very optimistic. I told him about the spotting and he said that it was nothing to worry about with numbers like this. I want to add this is the same guy that gave me the results for my ovulation this month who said to "relax"...so yeah, when brown old blood is coming out of your vagina in a pregnancy, let me know if you think its 'nothing'.....0_o
He wanted to have me go in this week but I told him I preferred to wait until a heart beat would be visible. Besides, I have an appt on Saturday with dr vajayjay and based on the dates I would only be 5w3d and therefore probably not even going to see a HB at that appointment. If the numbers continue to raise as they have (more than doubling) I should be at 10,000+ by friday. I seen a lot of info saying you see a HB at 6000, but in my experience with pregnancy I see one after 6w, which is next week. So I scheduled the appointment with his office for the 28th.
I had my first dry heaving this morning and I was SO happy. My son thought it was hysterical and literally starting chanting "My turn mommy!! My turn!!" and he runs over to the toilet, literally as I am hovering over it and pretends to puke by spitting. I nearly peed on myself from laughter!! I had to take a video and send it to my husband (obv not with me puking but of him reenacting) He is one of the number 1 reasons I took the risk of ttc again. Had I not taken it for him I dont know where I would be today, he brings so much joy to my life I never thought possible.
I pointed to my belly and asked him what was inside. He says "baby" and then leans over and gives my belly the softest sweetest little kisses.(this was saturday)..I have NO idea why he would do that since he has never been around a pregnant person before. I dont even know if I mentioned there was a baby in there or if he just listens to everything I say. Even he loves pineapple already!!
In one month it is his birthday. I cant help but wonder if I will still be pregnant at that time. That to me is the most depressing sentence in this post. But its a reality for us. We have already lived through this type of nightmare, so for us to assume lightning doesnt strike twice is ridiculous. I just keep reminding myself this time I have so much on my side. Even more protection than before. I just really pray it all goes the way I wish it to.
My little pineapple...I need you to keep growing and come HOME!!
Thank goodness!
Not sure what caused it or what it means but I rested enough for it to not come back.
I was so scared Sunday night I went and put on one of the necklaces I wore for my 1st rainbows pregnancy. With his I literally looked like Mr T (I think ive mentioned that before) but instead of bringing that look back, I kept it simple and wore the one that I was hoping would give me the most luck and protection. Now I feel like if I take this off something will go wrong, since everything went back to 'normal' once I put it back on. I know that sounds nuts, but I believe that you have to do what ever you have to do to get through this insanely SCARY process.
I was going to skip the beta for monday, but after that spotting scare I just had to do it. I swore that the levels would be lower or messed up. I almost didnt want to go just because I was so scared. I had to wait until today to get those results.
The HCG was 2612, based on the calculations 1800 would have been the goal! Progesterone was 55, and 50s seems to be the average rate its keeping which is fine by me. When the specialist called today with them he sounded very optimistic. I told him about the spotting and he said that it was nothing to worry about with numbers like this. I want to add this is the same guy that gave me the results for my ovulation this month who said to "relax"...so yeah, when brown old blood is coming out of your vagina in a pregnancy, let me know if you think its 'nothing'.....0_o
He wanted to have me go in this week but I told him I preferred to wait until a heart beat would be visible. Besides, I have an appt on Saturday with dr vajayjay and based on the dates I would only be 5w3d and therefore probably not even going to see a HB at that appointment. If the numbers continue to raise as they have (more than doubling) I should be at 10,000+ by friday. I seen a lot of info saying you see a HB at 6000, but in my experience with pregnancy I see one after 6w, which is next week. So I scheduled the appointment with his office for the 28th.
I had my first dry heaving this morning and I was SO happy. My son thought it was hysterical and literally starting chanting "My turn mommy!! My turn!!" and he runs over to the toilet, literally as I am hovering over it and pretends to puke by spitting. I nearly peed on myself from laughter!! I had to take a video and send it to my husband (obv not with me puking but of him reenacting) He is one of the number 1 reasons I took the risk of ttc again. Had I not taken it for him I dont know where I would be today, he brings so much joy to my life I never thought possible.
I pointed to my belly and asked him what was inside. He says "baby" and then leans over and gives my belly the softest sweetest little kisses.(this was saturday)..I have NO idea why he would do that since he has never been around a pregnant person before. I dont even know if I mentioned there was a baby in there or if he just listens to everything I say. Even he loves pineapple already!!
In one month it is his birthday. I cant help but wonder if I will still be pregnant at that time. That to me is the most depressing sentence in this post. But its a reality for us. We have already lived through this type of nightmare, so for us to assume lightning doesnt strike twice is ridiculous. I just keep reminding myself this time I have so much on my side. Even more protection than before. I just really pray it all goes the way I wish it to.
My little pineapple...I need you to keep growing and come HOME!!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Another bump in the road....
Fuck this!!
I cant get a few days of peace?
I finally got the HCG numbers yesterday and they were 450. The original was 191, so it more than doubled and we were happy. We even went out last night to dinner to celebrate this after so many months of struggles.
Today?
Today I noticed something on my underwear, but I wasnt sure because they were beige. It seemed to have color to it. So after a shower I put on white ones. I wiped and seen nothing so thought maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I mean in the last, almost week, I think I broke records on wiping and checking and checking and wiping in search for blood. I went to pee and as much as I wish I was crazy, I seen it. Brownish, wateryish, discharge. I wont call it blood since I learned at the specialist, blood is red. Brown is spotting. So yeah, I had spotting.
PLEASE do not tell me how normal this is. I know there are lots of stories on this. I run a preg group and have seen many positive outcomes. Im me. This is now pregnancy #3 and the only ones I can really compare to are my own. Guess what? I had this same thing with my daughter. I literally whipped our her DPO symptoms chart and on 17dpo I had this exact 'color' and then on 19dpo it was pink after I went #2. Was told it was normal and blah blah we know how that ended. With my son I had something darker at 18w and when I was checked it was not blood at all some 'mucous' thing I forget the name of.
Im not going to the ER because there is nothing they can do and nothing they can check for anyway. Its too early to see anything. I did more blood on friday and I should have those results tomorrow since the specialists office was closed yesterday. I was going to skip the bloodwork for tomorrow but now I am going in. I just need to see where the levels are going. And believe me I know all these numbers mean shit without a heart beat.
Now I am wondering what am I going to do. I have an almost 2yr old to take care of. I am a SAHM/WAHM. I am able to lay in bed today because my husband is off and my mom is visiting. But tomorrow everyone goes back to work. I am well aware that I knew all of this when I was TTC, but I was also praying for a normal damn pregnancy~~!!!!
Is crack really the answer?? Im wondering more and more exactly why my positivity with this pregnancy has to constantly be brought down. Am I showing the universe TOO much happiness? Should I be a hermit and never mention anything. Should my posts not be light hearted? Should I just say "if this baby comes home" instead of "when"....IM SICK of this shit!!!!!!
Id love to be able to do a 'one year ago today' and it be St. Patrick's day 2014 and be able to read this and feel sorry for myself for being so scared, while I am cuddling this baby. THAT Is all I want!!!
Am I just being greedy?????
Damned if you do and damned if you dont~~!!!!
I cant get a few days of peace?
I finally got the HCG numbers yesterday and they were 450. The original was 191, so it more than doubled and we were happy. We even went out last night to dinner to celebrate this after so many months of struggles.
Today?
Today I noticed something on my underwear, but I wasnt sure because they were beige. It seemed to have color to it. So after a shower I put on white ones. I wiped and seen nothing so thought maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I mean in the last, almost week, I think I broke records on wiping and checking and checking and wiping in search for blood. I went to pee and as much as I wish I was crazy, I seen it. Brownish, wateryish, discharge. I wont call it blood since I learned at the specialist, blood is red. Brown is spotting. So yeah, I had spotting.
PLEASE do not tell me how normal this is. I know there are lots of stories on this. I run a preg group and have seen many positive outcomes. Im me. This is now pregnancy #3 and the only ones I can really compare to are my own. Guess what? I had this same thing with my daughter. I literally whipped our her DPO symptoms chart and on 17dpo I had this exact 'color' and then on 19dpo it was pink after I went #2. Was told it was normal and blah blah we know how that ended. With my son I had something darker at 18w and when I was checked it was not blood at all some 'mucous' thing I forget the name of.
Im not going to the ER because there is nothing they can do and nothing they can check for anyway. Its too early to see anything. I did more blood on friday and I should have those results tomorrow since the specialists office was closed yesterday. I was going to skip the bloodwork for tomorrow but now I am going in. I just need to see where the levels are going. And believe me I know all these numbers mean shit without a heart beat.
Now I am wondering what am I going to do. I have an almost 2yr old to take care of. I am a SAHM/WAHM. I am able to lay in bed today because my husband is off and my mom is visiting. But tomorrow everyone goes back to work. I am well aware that I knew all of this when I was TTC, but I was also praying for a normal damn pregnancy~~!!!!
Is crack really the answer?? Im wondering more and more exactly why my positivity with this pregnancy has to constantly be brought down. Am I showing the universe TOO much happiness? Should I be a hermit and never mention anything. Should my posts not be light hearted? Should I just say "if this baby comes home" instead of "when"....IM SICK of this shit!!!!!!
Id love to be able to do a 'one year ago today' and it be St. Patrick's day 2014 and be able to read this and feel sorry for myself for being so scared, while I am cuddling this baby. THAT Is all I want!!!
Am I just being greedy?????
Damned if you do and damned if you dont~~!!!!
Friday, March 15, 2013
I need to relax asap!!!
Today isnt going so smooth.
my lab results were not completed properly. Stupid quest never did the HCG so I only have the progesterone. Tue was 66 Thur was 54..I literally thought my knees were going to buckle when they said that. Even though the number is insanely high I didnt know what it meant. Usually numbers going down are bad, right? Luckily the nurse was able to calm me down by having dr vajayjay get on the phone with me almost immediately. He spoke some scientific language I cant even pretend to remember any other word except "physiology" and basically that number will fluctuate but its in such a high range he isnt even going to concern himself and I should feel good about it. Right, feel good?
I am seriously considering starting a t-shirt line that says "Must Be Nice To Have a Penis" because it seems the ones who are the most relaxed always have them. Well If I had the HCG numbers to compare to I might have been able to relax. But I dont. I also went ahead and did the 2nd batch of blood work for the new specialist. Initially I wasnt going to follow through, but being that I am really nervous I thought having more labs would be better. So when I got there I spoke with the manager of quest and expressed how annoyed I was about the way they handled the blood work. Blah blah blah he jerked me off and said he was handing it and its 730pm and NO results! I seriously feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!!!
I will have them tomorrow, but still, I should have had them today so that tonight I would have a sure feeling about things and not living in limbo. Hate limbo.
I got a nice littler reminder today of how scary this all was/is. In seconds I felt like everything flashed before my eyes. I was losing all my dreams...literally in seconds. Scared is an understatement. I set small goals, but the dreamer in me is sneaking in those future plans already. Id be lying if I wasnt thinking about this baby 24/7. Now Im so scared that this baby will be taken from me. I cant have that!!!!
Of course I feel like all my symptoms are gone. Yet I still have headaches, peeing often and super lethargic. But I need more. Id gladly take puking all day long or smell aversions. My friend always called it a mommy doppler. If I get to that point I am sure I will be cursing typing that line out, but Id much rather be puking because it means I made it to that milestone. And for me both pregnancies went to 20weeks of hypermesis. I welcome it!!!
How will I make it through this time? I need crack!!!! Id probably be better off since crack addicts get those babies as often as I tweeze my eyebrows. Ive been playing candy crush and that has helped to occupy my mind but there is something about the way things are going that reminds me of my daughters pregnancy. With her I used to play farmville like crazy. I caught myself wondering today if candy crush would one day be a trigger of a bad memory. When I was pregnant with my son I had no IRL support. Now it seems like there is a lot more and it reminds me of her pregnancy and I wonder if the comfort they found in my sons successful pregnancy, will lead them to that awful day she died and they will run again, leaving me alone....again.
My head hurts. Literally. I need a vacation from my thoughts. Blogging always helps. Glad I was able to dump all my worries and anxiety here and now hopefully I will rest and get good results tomorrow. I keep telling myself all these numbers mean shit. If there is a heartbeat or not will determine how this future will go. As of right now all they are doing is keeping me informed while I wait for that ultrasound....
I NEED TO RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX
my lab results were not completed properly. Stupid quest never did the HCG so I only have the progesterone. Tue was 66 Thur was 54..I literally thought my knees were going to buckle when they said that. Even though the number is insanely high I didnt know what it meant. Usually numbers going down are bad, right? Luckily the nurse was able to calm me down by having dr vajayjay get on the phone with me almost immediately. He spoke some scientific language I cant even pretend to remember any other word except "physiology" and basically that number will fluctuate but its in such a high range he isnt even going to concern himself and I should feel good about it. Right, feel good?
I am seriously considering starting a t-shirt line that says "Must Be Nice To Have a Penis" because it seems the ones who are the most relaxed always have them. Well If I had the HCG numbers to compare to I might have been able to relax. But I dont. I also went ahead and did the 2nd batch of blood work for the new specialist. Initially I wasnt going to follow through, but being that I am really nervous I thought having more labs would be better. So when I got there I spoke with the manager of quest and expressed how annoyed I was about the way they handled the blood work. Blah blah blah he jerked me off and said he was handing it and its 730pm and NO results! I seriously feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!!!
I will have them tomorrow, but still, I should have had them today so that tonight I would have a sure feeling about things and not living in limbo. Hate limbo.
I got a nice littler reminder today of how scary this all was/is. In seconds I felt like everything flashed before my eyes. I was losing all my dreams...literally in seconds. Scared is an understatement. I set small goals, but the dreamer in me is sneaking in those future plans already. Id be lying if I wasnt thinking about this baby 24/7. Now Im so scared that this baby will be taken from me. I cant have that!!!!
Of course I feel like all my symptoms are gone. Yet I still have headaches, peeing often and super lethargic. But I need more. Id gladly take puking all day long or smell aversions. My friend always called it a mommy doppler. If I get to that point I am sure I will be cursing typing that line out, but Id much rather be puking because it means I made it to that milestone. And for me both pregnancies went to 20weeks of hypermesis. I welcome it!!!
How will I make it through this time? I need crack!!!! Id probably be better off since crack addicts get those babies as often as I tweeze my eyebrows. Ive been playing candy crush and that has helped to occupy my mind but there is something about the way things are going that reminds me of my daughters pregnancy. With her I used to play farmville like crazy. I caught myself wondering today if candy crush would one day be a trigger of a bad memory. When I was pregnant with my son I had no IRL support. Now it seems like there is a lot more and it reminds me of her pregnancy and I wonder if the comfort they found in my sons successful pregnancy, will lead them to that awful day she died and they will run again, leaving me alone....again.
My head hurts. Literally. I need a vacation from my thoughts. Blogging always helps. Glad I was able to dump all my worries and anxiety here and now hopefully I will rest and get good results tomorrow. I keep telling myself all these numbers mean shit. If there is a heartbeat or not will determine how this future will go. As of right now all they are doing is keeping me informed while I wait for that ultrasound....
I NEED TO RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Roller Coaster
Its been a while since I have come here. In a way I wanted to just stop thinking about all of this. The 1st week of the 2ww was pretty simple to get through. I was very busy painting and unfortunately my sister got some devastating news that she is in the early stages of premature ovarian failure and most of my attention was given to her for support and also to help research what that all means at such a young age. It was not easy for us to hear. But she will now see my new specialists infertility department and they will figure out the right course of action for her, if there is one left.
The 2nd part of the 2ww was different. I found myself experiencing strange feelings. I was waking up super hungry and anyone who knows me knows I almost always skip breakfast. But I chalked it up to maybe my metabolism has changed since Ive been forcing myself to eat in the mornings now to take the metformin. I was having awful headaches, but I have had those as well with the progesterone pills. If there was a better word for "short temper" when it came to my patience THAT is what I had all week. I blamed it on the fact that I just have had so much to absorb lately I just needed a mental break. I then had no spotting on CD26 or 27. That is odd. I always spot 2 days before, but I promise you I chalked that up to a friends advise that the progesterone starts to level out at some point and figured thats what it was.
I couldnt be pregnant. I mean we did follow the drs orders, but that was the only day we dtd. It was my daughters bday month and emotionally I was not feeling like doing anything but sticking my head in the ground. And even after those initial 'directions' from the dr, we didnt do it again. I just was tired of feeling like a failure every month.
The day AF was due I woke up and realized I still didnt have it. That was odd. I get it like clock work every month. I didnt even have any pregnancy tests in the house because I was sick of getting BFNs and I said if I found out it would be through blood work. No more money down the drain.
I called my husband who suggested I go buy a test before doing the blood work. Me being the control freak I am, went right away to buy them as well as making the appointment for the beta that same day. Hey, even if the tests didnt show a positive I was curious to see what the blood work said anyways.
I was really pissed. I had a 20% coupon I let expire because I didnt want to jinx it. I get to the register and the FRER was not only on sale, but it went from $25 to $11 for a 3 pack (lets face it I wasnt buying them before, but if I was doing this I was doing it right lol)!! haha! I felt like I won money on a scratch ticket. So I didnt feel badly about getting them. I was happy it wasnt the same sales associate too. She always gives me this look like, "Oh you again?" That wasnt helping my ego either.
I ran in the house and literally pulling my pants off at the same time running towards the rest room. I grab a cup to pee in because I was not taking any chances that I didnt pee directly on it (although by now Id be a professional without even looking Id bet). Nothing. There was nothing on the stick. Then all of a sudden TWO bright pink lines!!!!!! I started screaming like a lunatic (I have never done that before!!) "YES....YES....YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" I literally was running around the house. No pants. Stick in the air. My son then followed me "yesth yesth yesth (with his little lisp). He had no clue why we were doing this, but he thought it was a great game.
I grabbed the IPAD to tell my husband. I had my son hold the stick and Factime his dad. Apparently he understood that when you hold this stick you have to say "yes yes yes" so that is what he was telling daddy. Of course my poor husband just wanted to know what was going on and I quickly told him we were pregnant!! This dr made it happen for us!!
I went that afternoon and had the blood work done. HCG came back at 191 and Progesterone came back at 66!! That was w3d6.
I then went the day after and met with my old OB. I decided that was going to be my plan (after some good advice from you girls!). Use the specialist to get the BFP and use the dr that got my son here to follow along. He performed an u/s and to both our surprise a sac was there at 4w!! A tiny little black hole filled with love already. I swear it even took the shape of a heart. Made me think of a special little girl and I had such a calm over me.
This time its different. Everything is different. Ive never been pregnant and had a living child before now. Ive never been pregnant and experienced a living birth before now. Ive never been pregnant and have the knowledge of 2 clotting disorders before.
I started my shots already. For some reason those bastards burned alot more this time than last time, but I wonder if I was physically numb to pain during that time? What ever the case, it made me go double check the box to make sure it was the right dose. Wasnt expecting that.
My symptoms were all correct. Frequent trips to the bathroom, lower back pain, twinges in my uterus, headaches, emotional, tired, achey, feel like I have a hangover all day. My dogs are literally attached to my hip and cry for me. My boobs are not sore but they are also not without feeling. I literally feel as though I am feeling exactly the symptoms I had for both pregnancies, and it wasnt til a friend blogged those same thoughts today that made me feel less crazy to think.
I could guess right now what I am having, but it doesnt matter either way. I just need this baby to make it home. My lovely friends have given it some a cute name already.
Its different this time because I am trying my best not to let fear rob me of the happy memories, and in the same sentence I want to mention that I am so scared to feel "too" happy because something will go wrong. This baby will die because I let my guard down. Stupid, I know, but doesnt make the thoughts go away.
Im finding myself in a very awkward position, much like I did with my 1st rainbow. Those same friends that carried me through her death, left after I announced his pregnancy. Some were so close to me, I couldnt believe how I was treated. Now I am feeling like I dont know where I belong. Do I belong to these same rainbow mothers? Some of them are not going down the path of pregnancy anymore. Some of them have lost their own rainbows. Some of them have children who died the month this child is due, and it hurts me to know they will fear this baby born on that day. Or who was also due that month. Or who was hoping to also be due that month and so on and so on.
Im a good friend and sometimes I think way too much about how my joy will hurt others...but there is only 1 person who I am the most afraid this pregnancy will hurt. And that is my sister. She assured me last night that there is nothing she wants more than to see this baby come home too. She said I was her hope....It made us both cry. There is a lot of pressure in being someones "hope" but id much rather be that for her and not a reminder of what she may never experience herself.
I wish all women who wanted children can have them as quickly as the thought came. I wish those mothers who were undeserving suffered the pains and the good moms suffered with joys.
PLEASE do not mention any of this on my FB. There are many people I do not allow access to this link. There are also many people I have not told this to IRL and I would hate to deal with drama.
You can feel free to follow along with this next part of our life. I may want to make this private at some point so I can share pictures. So please leave your email so when the day comes I can easily contact you with the link.
Its been a very emotional roller coaster, but ive experienced nothing less after losing my daughter. The only thing I ask is that you hope and pray that I never have to experience loss again....Thank you for your support up until now. And I do hope you continue to follow along =)
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