A precious heart beat

I love my drs office!!  As soon as the tech was in the office I went right in.  He actually cancelled appointments he made for today due to an emergency delivery, but she had me go in and not only that, but skip the other preggos that were waiting for her to check them.

Within seconds I was undressed and being scanned.  That perfect beautiful little heart beat was beating so strong.  so much easier to see today than the other day.  "Do you see it??" She asked.."YES!!!!!"  Then she let me hear it...I started to bawl "Oh no dont cry, you are going to need tissues, I dont have tissues!!"  I couldnt help it...that sound...that sound was music to my ears!!!  I cant tell you how differently I envisioned this appointment.  I went alone.  I dont like to take my son there because I always worry about those that recently lost a child.  I remember how much I hated waiting in there after my daughter died, watching all those kids running and playing.

I came home and cried some more.  I was so afraid of hearing those fucking words again.  How can it be there is no vomiting this week and last week there was plenty? (this is a rhetorical question please dont tell me this is ok, i am simply expressing my feelings) I know all pregnancies are different but the 2 I already has were eerily the same except for the outcome.  My anxiety about having a dead baby inside me again lessons when I puke.  It just makes those words "Oh thats a good sign!!" make sense.  Whats the sign for preggos that dont puke?  Its a bad sign...right?  That was what worried me, and that is why I went in and I WILL go in as often as I need to.

The fears of a rainbow pregnancy are something you just cant explain unless you have experienced it.  I say this with the most respect..PLEASE do not tell me to calm down or relax.  Do not down play my feelings.  I am in a very fragile state.  I almost bought an u/s machine online to calm myself down, but luckily my drs office offered to have me there as often as I needed.  The tech even gave me her cell number today as she hugged me and said she completely understands my fears, yet she has never once been pregnant herself.  I held one dead baby, Im not in the market of holding any more.

I need this space to be safe for me....Its my selfish place.  I say what I cant say IRL because no one can truly understand me.  So please stop reading this blog if you cant handle what is here.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  I appreciated every one!

Symptoms???

Is it possible to remedy yourself completely?

I finally got rid of this stupid cold. yesterday I didnt puke at all following my moms advice of small meals and bay leaf water in between.  Today I feel pretty good, too good!  I have a pretty big appetite which I usually dont have this early on and not so close to the days I was puking and nauseous all day. I ended up puking it ALL and so hard that I broke capillaries in my face and i look like a marked dots all over my face and neck.

I am freaking out....like I feel less pregnant than usual.  Im so nervous I called my drs office but they were all gone for the day.  Other than not puking again I dont see a rational reason to go to L&D and exposing myself to disgusting germs.  I am going to call first thing tomorrow and have them scan me.  I cant wait until thursday, Im literally going crazy smelling things that just a few days ago made me gag.  Today?  Today they smell good again </33333  Something about this doesnt seem right.  I was even able to drink regular water again.  cold from the bottle.  the idea a few days ago made me gag let alone actually doing it.

I am so afraid I have not even said a word of this to my husband.

I feel a little nauseous but thats all....THAT is all??  How??  I know every pregnancy is different but I dont assume symptoms go away this quickly when just saturday I was feeling like total shit.

Please pray for me, my sanity and my sweet little pineapple =*(