Today was pineapples NT scan at the hospital where my son was born at. It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room with him on the outside. It was even weirder to have him in the exam room that was the last place I sat with him in my belly where it was determined my fluid level was not going down and he was much better off on the outside.
The tech came in and was very quiet. I hate quiet people. Makes me uncomfortable. But I know she was doing her job and measuring. It seemed like she was measuring the same spot for a long time. I didnt really worry about this test at all. But I started wondering if I should have. I mentioned the fibroids to her and she made notes to each of them, making sure to say "They are really small. Nothing to worry about."
I mentioned to her the blood that I had last week. "Was it red?"she asked. "Yes it was but I didnt see red other than the swab he used to clean it out. It resembled a tampon", I said. "OK that is alot. Since you mentioned this I am going to have to do an internal u/s to check the cervix."she says. I didnt argue that. I am all about double, triple and quadruple checking. She inserts the wand and SHE lets out a sigh of relief "This is great! Your cervix is way more than 4!!" She then presses firmly onto my belly and says "Ok thats good. The cervix isnt responding to any pressure. I agree with the drs explanation about the capillary bursting. Its more common than people think, but I wanted to make sure since it was red"
It was an amazing scan. She zoomed into the babies five fingers and counted them all. She pointed out the feet, legs and arms. And I felt like she went above and beyond the regular duties of a "NT scan". I asked her name and will be requesting her for the 20w anatomy scan.
The profile of the baby's face reminds me so much of my daughter. I know all babies look the same at this point, but the lips are so prominent. Just like hers....
Monday, May 13, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Dr update and fears...
This is the update I gave my group:
"Just got home from my dr. There was 100% closed cervix (n hard) NO more red blood. The swab was like "yellowish" which is just remnants of the other day (n what I've been seeing) no bed rest today. Just walk around n take it slow. He believes I had a weak capillaries that burst n sealed quickly n occurs on 9%of pregnancy but there is no dr in the world who can say 100% what caused it. That's his theory from experience n seeing the area. I am going back Wednesday for one more cervix check to triple check. Thanks for the thoughts n prayers. If I didn't have this for my daughter I wouldn't be as nervous n scared as I am. (Didn't have this for my son, ever) n he understands my fears n will see me as often as I need hi m to, but he believes I am out of the woods."
Now I have to be honest, this doesnt really comfort me too much. I never even had red blood for my daughter. It was mostly pink. It was on and off through out the pregnancy and it was always "on the outside" too. It was never a problem. And they swear up and down that the spotting with her didnt result in her death. Right. It may have not directly been related, and I am not a Dr., but blood in a pregnancy for someone with a double clotting disorder seems like a problem. It seems like a heads up for something not going right.
I spent last night cuddling my sleeping son, while I cried onto his little head. I couldnt hold in the tears. I was literally holding a miracle in my arms and wondering if I will be able to do the same with this one...sigh..
Once the dr told me the red blood was gone and the cervix was hard and closed I felt a relief....I seen the baby jumping around on the u/s and looking more and more like a mini human. I chose that time to not think about what may happen again or what will end up being, and I decided to be happy for the news I have and this baby that IS still alive.
Not that I needed a time check at ALL, but this weekend reminded me that nothing is promised. My sentences have all been "when" the baby comes home and now I find myself saying "if" again. I said "if" alot for my sons pregnancy because I didnt know a different ending, other than death. Since I had a more positive experience I started out positive and now....now I feel like I just really dont know what is going to happen.
I feel like I have to put on this happy positive go lucky front for everyone. Instead of getting support I am reassuring others everything is OK. I got more pressure on me to keep everyone else calm than ME getting to feel calm.
I took a step back today. Regrouping myself. Realizing who really does care about me and my baby. I am all about looking at the glass half full, but God dammit would it be too much to ask to be ABLE to feel scared? I didnt even tell anyone IRL except my sister and obv my husband. I didnt want the pressure of constantly feeling like I have to say "I feel fine, baby is good, HB is good". I hardly went on FB the whole weekend because I literally felt like I was doing more of the comforting about what was happening to ME than getting any. My husband standing over me as I check the HB, which isnt so easy when the baby is small and moving all around, he literally broke into a sweat and turned red "OMG, that was so scary, why did it take so long??" Long? it was 5 minutes!!! Imagine ME who has to check for it in MY body!!!!! Lets remember one thing, I am the one who had a dead baby in their body and I am the one whose blood is to blame and I AM the one who has to worry if this time will be like hers....instead of like his....
Of course I could always rely on my #1 to be right there texting with me and letting me feel OK to be scared. I felt OK to remember and compare this to my daughter. I felt OK to finally sound negative when stating RED blood IS bad. And I felt good when my Dr told me "I agree with you 100%, red blood is never a good sign in pregnancy. But even normal pregnancies can experience it". So here I am afraid again. I thought I could get through ONE of my pregnancies not afraid but I am and I dont know how to change that now.
Rainbow pregnancies are scary and no one should ever make someone feel like their feelings are not valid. No one will ever truly know what its like to get through one. If you are able to get pregnant with a rainbow you will need BIG huge balls to get through it, cause you cant do anything to calm yourself other than YOU calming yourself. Ever try to do that with bleeding?? Yeah...I have...and I honestly dont know how I will mentally make it the rest of this pregnancy. ALL I ask is that I take this baby home and raise it here on Earth. Seems like a simple request, but when you have everything against you...seems like you are asking for a miracle. I have one miracle right here, did I meet my quota?? I dont know....
"Just got home from my dr. There was 100% closed cervix (n hard) NO more red blood. The swab was like "yellowish" which is just remnants of the other day (n what I've been seeing) no bed rest today. Just walk around n take it slow. He believes I had a weak capillaries that burst n sealed quickly n occurs on 9%of pregnancy but there is no dr in the world who can say 100% what caused it. That's his theory from experience n seeing the area. I am going back Wednesday for one more cervix check to triple check. Thanks for the thoughts n prayers. If I didn't have this for my daughter I wouldn't be as nervous n scared as I am. (Didn't have this for my son, ever) n he understands my fears n will see me as often as I need hi m to, but he believes I am out of the woods."
Now I have to be honest, this doesnt really comfort me too much. I never even had red blood for my daughter. It was mostly pink. It was on and off through out the pregnancy and it was always "on the outside" too. It was never a problem. And they swear up and down that the spotting with her didnt result in her death. Right. It may have not directly been related, and I am not a Dr., but blood in a pregnancy for someone with a double clotting disorder seems like a problem. It seems like a heads up for something not going right.
I spent last night cuddling my sleeping son, while I cried onto his little head. I couldnt hold in the tears. I was literally holding a miracle in my arms and wondering if I will be able to do the same with this one...sigh..
Once the dr told me the red blood was gone and the cervix was hard and closed I felt a relief....I seen the baby jumping around on the u/s and looking more and more like a mini human. I chose that time to not think about what may happen again or what will end up being, and I decided to be happy for the news I have and this baby that IS still alive.
Not that I needed a time check at ALL, but this weekend reminded me that nothing is promised. My sentences have all been "when" the baby comes home and now I find myself saying "if" again. I said "if" alot for my sons pregnancy because I didnt know a different ending, other than death. Since I had a more positive experience I started out positive and now....now I feel like I just really dont know what is going to happen.
I feel like I have to put on this happy positive go lucky front for everyone. Instead of getting support I am reassuring others everything is OK. I got more pressure on me to keep everyone else calm than ME getting to feel calm.
I took a step back today. Regrouping myself. Realizing who really does care about me and my baby. I am all about looking at the glass half full, but God dammit would it be too much to ask to be ABLE to feel scared? I didnt even tell anyone IRL except my sister and obv my husband. I didnt want the pressure of constantly feeling like I have to say "I feel fine, baby is good, HB is good". I hardly went on FB the whole weekend because I literally felt like I was doing more of the comforting about what was happening to ME than getting any. My husband standing over me as I check the HB, which isnt so easy when the baby is small and moving all around, he literally broke into a sweat and turned red "OMG, that was so scary, why did it take so long??" Long? it was 5 minutes!!! Imagine ME who has to check for it in MY body!!!!! Lets remember one thing, I am the one who had a dead baby in their body and I am the one whose blood is to blame and I AM the one who has to worry if this time will be like hers....instead of like his....
Of course I could always rely on my #1 to be right there texting with me and letting me feel OK to be scared. I felt OK to remember and compare this to my daughter. I felt OK to finally sound negative when stating RED blood IS bad. And I felt good when my Dr told me "I agree with you 100%, red blood is never a good sign in pregnancy. But even normal pregnancies can experience it". So here I am afraid again. I thought I could get through ONE of my pregnancies not afraid but I am and I dont know how to change that now.
Rainbow pregnancies are scary and no one should ever make someone feel like their feelings are not valid. No one will ever truly know what its like to get through one. If you are able to get pregnant with a rainbow you will need BIG huge balls to get through it, cause you cant do anything to calm yourself other than YOU calming yourself. Ever try to do that with bleeding?? Yeah...I have...and I honestly dont know how I will mentally make it the rest of this pregnancy. ALL I ask is that I take this baby home and raise it here on Earth. Seems like a simple request, but when you have everything against you...seems like you are asking for a miracle. I have one miracle right here, did I meet my quota?? I dont know....
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Red blood...enough said
I have not been blogging much because I usually write at night, and I am my sickest at night. This week my dr said my continued weight loss and the fact I cant drink liquids without puking warranted a little help. So he gave me tigan. He said it was the mildest and safe. I took it. It worked. I felt so much better and I can honestly say its been 5 days since I puked last. I can even drink water. I stopped taking the meds friday (he gave them to me thursday).
Yesterday started like any other lazy saturday. It was so beautiful that we spent the day in our yard lounging out and playing ball with our son. I had to pee so I went inside and when I wiped I seen a stripe of brown. Brown?? Is it that mucus thing again? Was it my eyes from being outside so long? I went right away and put on white underwear. I waited a few minutes and checked. Brown, and it more on the maroon side than the brown side. "Its probably that mucus thing again, just call the Dr and see what he says", I said to myself. Before I even did that I checked the HB on my doppler. Thankfully I have been able to hear the HB for the last 2 weeks. What a relief it has brought to me. HB was strong as usual, so I grab my phone and call. My dr gets on the phone and says "Come on it and let me check it out." He didnt seem concerned, but wanted to help ease my mind.
What happened next was not anything I expected. I have tried my BEST to keep the positive attitude. To take bump pics each week. To share pineapple's updates with my family. Basically doing everything opposite of what I did for my 1st rainbow so I would have more happier moments in this pregnancy.
My dr checks and asks for a swab from the nurse. That was odd? He never did that last time. it felt like 20minutes of swabbing in there (probably 3min) he finally says "OK cervix is closed, but there is a lot of red blood. RED???? WTF??? He goes to throw the swab into the trash next to him and I lost it. It resembled what a tampon would look like. Completely covered it BRIGHT RED blood. Next came the u/s and they were trying to calm me down by letting me see the baby was ok. fluid was great, HB was still strong and there was no blood inside the baby. He thought maybe he seen what appeared to be a Subchorionic Hematoma and documented it for my chart, but was not 100% with it. He kept trying to remind me the cervix was closed, and I kept reminding HIM that I had red blood INSIDE me. All I did was cry. I couldnt help it. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of thinking positive. All those thoughts didnt do anything to prevent this. I just kept saying "no...no...I cant do that again".....Typing the words has me in tears.
He put me on strict bed rest for 48hrs and I am to go in on monday morning to have my cervix checked again. I was given instructions to call if I experienced any cramping or pain.
I feel like someone ripped my hope right out of my heart. I will say it again, the doppler has kept me sane for the last 23hrs, but I would be lying if I didnt put that wand to my belly anticipating the worst. I feel so alone. Well its happening to me, and in me, so I cant really expect anyone else to know what this is like for me.
I sent my son to stay over my moms house last night so that I didnt have to worry about neglecting him while I stood laying down. My husband has been laid off so he has been doing most of the stuff around here.
My dr just kept asking if I did anything strenuous, any heavy lifting. He asked me so many things and said so many scientific words I just stopped hearing him. I literally froze in that office and went numb. I just kept thinking "Am I going to have a miscarriage now? Is this how it starts? Im just going to wait and see if another baby will die?" He reminded me that the lovenox was on our side and helping this baby. "Positive thoughts!! You have to focus on the fact the cervix is closed" I didnt even answer him. I just grabbed the u/s picture, wondering if it would be the last, and walked out....
I sat in my car with my head resting on the steering wheel and just cried. Begging God to please let this baby live. Crying my daughters name to help save this baby. To save me.
A few months before we began ttc I dreamt many times about losing another baby (boy) to a m/c. I keep wondering if that was a premonition of what is yet to come.
Today is BLM mothers day. "Still Standing" is what everyone is chanting. Im not standing. Im laying down trying to do what ever I can do to stop another baby from dying. Forgive me if today I dont feel like being proud of being a BLM. Today I fucking HATE being a BLM. Today I wonder if I made a huge mistake by stopping smoking, drinking, and eating non organic food. Today I am angry that BLOOD is coming out of my vagina while my baby is growing inside. I planned a whole day for my daughter & me today. I was going to go to the cemetery. It would be the 1st time I went there pregnant. Every time I try to go the weather isnt in my favor, or Ive been sick.
Today I am SICK to my stomach at the people who are jealous of rainbow pregnancies. YOU should be ashamed of yourself for being envious of my pregnancy. Are you happy now? Has your jealousy done its job? I wonder if you will care for this baby if it dies. You know what I say to that?? FUCK YOU. My children DEAD & ALIVE mean the world to me and if you were a true friend, they would mean the world to you too. I hope this baby lives. I dont want to go into a dark place again. I was finally STANDING again for a while, but now I dont know what to think...
All I can do is pray. Not that it will make any difference, I prayed for my daughter to please move, kick....etc...she didnt. She was dead.
This doppler, and my constant checking my underwear is all I can do until I am back at the drs tomorrow. I was relieved there was no more red blood, but there is some spotting now, so who knows...
I dont know anything anymore...All I know is that I am angry I cant just have a NORMAL boring pregnancy like every skank drug addict in this world~!!
Yesterday started like any other lazy saturday. It was so beautiful that we spent the day in our yard lounging out and playing ball with our son. I had to pee so I went inside and when I wiped I seen a stripe of brown. Brown?? Is it that mucus thing again? Was it my eyes from being outside so long? I went right away and put on white underwear. I waited a few minutes and checked. Brown, and it more on the maroon side than the brown side. "Its probably that mucus thing again, just call the Dr and see what he says", I said to myself. Before I even did that I checked the HB on my doppler. Thankfully I have been able to hear the HB for the last 2 weeks. What a relief it has brought to me. HB was strong as usual, so I grab my phone and call. My dr gets on the phone and says "Come on it and let me check it out." He didnt seem concerned, but wanted to help ease my mind.
What happened next was not anything I expected. I have tried my BEST to keep the positive attitude. To take bump pics each week. To share pineapple's updates with my family. Basically doing everything opposite of what I did for my 1st rainbow so I would have more happier moments in this pregnancy.
My dr checks and asks for a swab from the nurse. That was odd? He never did that last time. it felt like 20minutes of swabbing in there (probably 3min) he finally says "OK cervix is closed, but there is a lot of red blood. RED???? WTF??? He goes to throw the swab into the trash next to him and I lost it. It resembled what a tampon would look like. Completely covered it BRIGHT RED blood. Next came the u/s and they were trying to calm me down by letting me see the baby was ok. fluid was great, HB was still strong and there was no blood inside the baby. He thought maybe he seen what appeared to be a Subchorionic Hematoma and documented it for my chart, but was not 100% with it. He kept trying to remind me the cervix was closed, and I kept reminding HIM that I had red blood INSIDE me. All I did was cry. I couldnt help it. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of thinking positive. All those thoughts didnt do anything to prevent this. I just kept saying "no...no...I cant do that again".....Typing the words has me in tears.
He put me on strict bed rest for 48hrs and I am to go in on monday morning to have my cervix checked again. I was given instructions to call if I experienced any cramping or pain.
I feel like someone ripped my hope right out of my heart. I will say it again, the doppler has kept me sane for the last 23hrs, but I would be lying if I didnt put that wand to my belly anticipating the worst. I feel so alone. Well its happening to me, and in me, so I cant really expect anyone else to know what this is like for me.
I sent my son to stay over my moms house last night so that I didnt have to worry about neglecting him while I stood laying down. My husband has been laid off so he has been doing most of the stuff around here.
My dr just kept asking if I did anything strenuous, any heavy lifting. He asked me so many things and said so many scientific words I just stopped hearing him. I literally froze in that office and went numb. I just kept thinking "Am I going to have a miscarriage now? Is this how it starts? Im just going to wait and see if another baby will die?" He reminded me that the lovenox was on our side and helping this baby. "Positive thoughts!! You have to focus on the fact the cervix is closed" I didnt even answer him. I just grabbed the u/s picture, wondering if it would be the last, and walked out....
I sat in my car with my head resting on the steering wheel and just cried. Begging God to please let this baby live. Crying my daughters name to help save this baby. To save me.
A few months before we began ttc I dreamt many times about losing another baby (boy) to a m/c. I keep wondering if that was a premonition of what is yet to come.
Today is BLM mothers day. "Still Standing" is what everyone is chanting. Im not standing. Im laying down trying to do what ever I can do to stop another baby from dying. Forgive me if today I dont feel like being proud of being a BLM. Today I fucking HATE being a BLM. Today I wonder if I made a huge mistake by stopping smoking, drinking, and eating non organic food. Today I am angry that BLOOD is coming out of my vagina while my baby is growing inside. I planned a whole day for my daughter & me today. I was going to go to the cemetery. It would be the 1st time I went there pregnant. Every time I try to go the weather isnt in my favor, or Ive been sick.
Today I am SICK to my stomach at the people who are jealous of rainbow pregnancies. YOU should be ashamed of yourself for being envious of my pregnancy. Are you happy now? Has your jealousy done its job? I wonder if you will care for this baby if it dies. You know what I say to that?? FUCK YOU. My children DEAD & ALIVE mean the world to me and if you were a true friend, they would mean the world to you too. I hope this baby lives. I dont want to go into a dark place again. I was finally STANDING again for a while, but now I dont know what to think...
All I can do is pray. Not that it will make any difference, I prayed for my daughter to please move, kick....etc...she didnt. She was dead.
This doppler, and my constant checking my underwear is all I can do until I am back at the drs tomorrow. I was relieved there was no more red blood, but there is some spotting now, so who knows...
I dont know anything anymore...All I know is that I am angry I cant just have a NORMAL boring pregnancy like every skank drug addict in this world~!!
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