This & That

It has been a while since I posted here.

This month was long (even though its so short!) and draining and I am soooo glad its almost over! WOOHOO!!!!!

I had my ovulation cycle tracked from CD9-CD13 ,and it showed ovulation on CD13 at a level of 24 (last month was 23 on CD14). This months level was with the metformin, prenatals, vitamin D and Metanx.  I started the progesterone sunday night (if i am right?) since my dr said to take it during ovulation.  I was supposed to ovulate on Tuesday (based on mymonthlycycles site) but this month it was on Monday.  The reason he was tracking was to see if I needed clomid or other ovulation triggering meds, which they do not think I need as of right now.

The drs partner called yesterday to give me the results.  He sounded so positive it made me almost want to puke! "Your levels are really high! You def ovulated, did you have sex last night?"...Um excuse me?  Of course we didnt because the nurse at the last appt told me to do it every other day and not all the time and since I was supposed to ovulate Tuesday we were waiting.

 disclaimer: Sorry if this is TMI, but this is my space to talk about this.  I have literally no one to talk about this with and writing here anonymously has really made me feel 'less alone' even though no one is probably reading it.  So its going to be tmi from time to time..

He told me with levels like this that he has a feeling that I am not getting pregnant because of stress...YES...stress....Did I not have stress 6mon after my daughter died? Because I got pregnant that time with only 1 try, and I am pretty sure I didnt leave my bed at all during those months from STRESS!  This was the partner and Im sure he didnt read my chart before calling, so he doesnt know what the dr and I have spoken about.  I reminded him that LAST month my level was just as high and it didnt stick either.  He then said what I HATE TO HEAR "Try and relax.  Just have fun with it.  Then call us when you miss your period.  Dont worry, you will get pregnant."

If "relaxing" was automatically administered with direction...ID RELAX ALL THE TIME...I am relaxed..although not this month, but previously I was relaxed.  I didnt fret over the holidays without my daughter.  I am probably happier than I ever imagined.  STRESS isnt causing this Partner Dr!!!  Read my chart!!

He proceeded to instruct us to try that night.  So we wait...again...

I dont think anyone really understands that seeing AF is soooo hard!! This month it wasnt so hard because I knew I wasnt pregnant and with the low vitamin D level I was more afraid of losing a baby than seeing AF.  Its the monthly reminder of my body not working right that I just cant handle.

Part of me wants to stop all these meds and stop this.  Stop tracking and taking blood tests.  Stop setting myself up for disappointment and failure.  I feel like the jealous people are putting evil eyes on me and thats why I cant get pregnant <-----THAT sounds like a psycho, but its true.  I know I sound crazy, but I feel like people look too much at what other people have because of what is missing in their life, and some how their negative vibes stick like glue.

I have been taking more and more control of who I keep in my life and made some steps to remove the ones who dont care.  I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Ive never been one to "collect" friends.  I would rather have 3 GREAT friends than 300 good ones....I want people to love ME like I love THEM.  Im tired of giving so much of myself only to have shit handed back to me.  Sorry, another tangent, but I just feel like with every birthday of my daughters that passes I see peoples TRUE colors and I see who cares and who doesnt and who just uses me.  Im a good judge of character, but sometimes people slip through my cracks, but not for long, and they too shall go.

Worst mother of the year award goes to me....

Today I suck at being a mother.

There. I said it.

I cant be perfect everyday.  You would assume I would be ok with this but I am not.  I am really angry at myself.

My son is getting closer and closer to 2years old, and that phase they call "terrible twos". I dont like the world terrible.  I found that term really insulting when my daughter was turning 2 in Heaven.  To me that was terrible.  So I always said the "trying 2s".  He is trying me and I am trying to contain myself.  I noticed over the last few weeks he has been becoming more independent.  He wants to choose his clothes and most of the time its by color, and he always wants to wear the same thing, I think its great and I encourage it.  Its not such an easy task when the same green super hero shirt is in the wash.  It doesnt go over well.  Usually I can convince him with a different fav shirt, but sometimes the tantrum follows and I walk away.  I dont entertain him because I dont want him to learn that tantrums get results.

He has also started deciding what he wants to eat.  I am fine with this too.  Now I learned to ask him if he is hungry, and then I ask what he would like to eat.  That really minimized the stress of cooking when he wasnt ready and having to pull tricks for him to eat.  It also made it easier because I was cooking what he liked so I know he would want it.  I know this isnt the best thing to start.  I know I should be cooking what ever I want and he is to know he has no choice.  But really?  Is it that serious?  Just cook what he likes and he will eat.

But now we are going into a whole new world.  He is choosing which episodes he wants to watch and if I dont have it on DVR or on DVD the fits start.  I will admit that this week especially, the TV has been a good friend to me.  I usually let him watch *maybe* 2 episodes a day.  This week Its been on all day.  He doesnt watch it, but Id be lying if I wasnt hoping he would.  Just for now at least.  I dont feel well.  Emotionally I am a disaster.  I cant grieve how I have been able to in the past for her birthday.  2 years ago I was pregnant with him so staying in bed all day crying was pretty easy to do.  Last year he was almost 1 so he was ok with playing on the floor or with some toys.  I dont remember it being this hard to do with him around.  He is very aware of my feelings.  When I cry he gets very sad.  So I try not to in front of him.  I dont want him to remember a mother who is always crying, even if it is for his sister.  But again I am doing something wrong.  By holding it all in I am really getting overwhelmed.  I am feeling really frustrated and what probably wouldnt bother me on a regular week,  is making me feel like the worst mother ever, because I have NO PATIENCE.

He started doing things this week he never does.  Slapping me, throwing himself on the floor, hitting himself (which oddly I also did as a child) if he doesnt get his way.  The power struggles are coming full speed and I am just not ready.  Not this month.  Give me a break universe!! Really??  On top of all the shit I already have in my head you also want to remind me I have no experience with this either??

I caught myself doing what I promised I would NEVER do to him....I yelled.  Loud.  He just froze and started crying.  I couldnt believe what I did.  I just collapsed my head into my hands and followed along.  Now we were both crying on his bedroom floor.  He came to me and pulled my hands away, while still crying, "Mommy, you Ok?"....I felt/feel like a piece of SHIT!!!!!  I dont know what to do.  I dont know how to ask him to just be a little more himself just the next few days.  Give mommy the time to be her mother too.  Being her mother requires tears, especially this month.  Being her mother requires me to feel like my heart is hurting, especially this week.  The flashbacks have begun.  The lump in the throat has begun. I was hoping and praying this wouldnt start again.  I dont want to feel like this!!!!  It doesnt end, not for me....In fact its worse, because now I have to pull myself together when I dont want to.  I dont have a choice though.

I look like a zombie.  I know I do.  My husband simply asked me what was wrong tonight, and I could barely get out "nothing.." without crying.  I HATE crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It makes me vulnerable and pathetic and I HATE feeling like that.  But the pain of her death is still so real.  I dont know how to show I miss her and Im so sorry I couldnt save HER without crying....Its all I can do.  Ive told her I was sorry 500000x but it doesnt make the pain less.

Worst mother of the year award goes to me....

Holy Triggers..

AF came this morning...CD1, and so it begins, again....


A few weeks ago I said I wanted to try my best to battle the triggers.  Today I accomplished a major one going to Church.  Church?  Yes...church.  3 years ago on Ash Wednesday was the last time I heard my daughters heartbeat.  It was the 1st time we took my stepson along for the u/s appointment.  It was a great day.  I wanted so badly to get my ashes during my pregnancy.  As hard as it was to walk (sciatica) I wanted to go.  We went to a few churches before we found one that was doing a mass.  I wobbled myself and my stepson into the church.  Tears formed in my eyes as I was blessed by the priest.  I blessed my belly with the holy water as we walked out.

She died that monday.

I have not went to get my ashes since then.  I didnt take my son last year.  I didnt go the year I was pregnant with him.  Today I went.  I took my son inside church.  He looked around and smiled at the strangers around him.  He got his 1st ashes, and in a way I got my 1st ashes again too.  I looked around and saw a few bellies ready to pop.  My heart cringed.  I wondered if any of them would suffer the same fate as me.  Would they wobble their pregnant bodies out of here today and then walk out of the hospital with out a baby in a week?  It sounds impossible, but statistics prove otherwise.

I walked out a little scared.  Im not going to lie.  As much as I know nothing that I do or repeat from those 'weeks' before her death, can cause my son to die, it doesnt stop the fears.  But I was proud of myself for allowing my son to experience something that was a big trigger or me.  I felt like I really am doing as much as I can to make sure he isnt affected by his sisters death.

I am praying to who ever listens to these prayers to give me peace the next 11 days. ....

Another Dr. Appt.

I called up the drs office yesterday and told the nurse about the spotting.  She had me come in today to see the dr.

AF was due today.  Still no AF.  Still just spotting and 2BFN =*(

He ran blood tests and we discussed in more details all the info we have right now.  More tests came back normal and that is really good.  He said I ovulated this month at a 2.7?  Not sure what that means. He said that the D3 level he'd like to get me to is 50 and so 4000iu daily will get me there soon.  I asked him about the 90-100 range and he said 50+/- is where the average person lays and that is my goal.
Then....

Then he proceeds to ask me who my OB is.  "You?"  And he said, "no honey.  I will be the one to get you pregnant and monitor the baby.  But I do not deliver babies anymore.  I did it for a while and I stopped.  I felt like a prostitute" ( I promise you he said this!! LMAO)  "I had to make the conscious decision about my purpose in pregnancy.  That is monitoring and saving babies.  There are other people who can deliver them."  That was a problem for me.  He is not affiliated with the hospital my son was born at, which is where Dr vajayjay is stationed at.  That would mean another OB and another hospital.  That was something I wasnt ready to hear.  His hospital is a 25min ride.  45 in traffic. "what if there is an emergency??"  Then he proceeds to tell me that the peris at the hospital i delivered at are at 'war' with him.  They literally refused to treat one of his patients that went in as an ER yesterday.  So he has made the final decision to only treat patients who work with drs that are affiliated with his hospital.

I will get back to that in a second...

We spoke about the fibroids and I mentioned to him that a friend said they can affect implantation, and he said "Yes they can depending on location.  ALL of yours are on the outside of the uterus.  Your uterus is completely smooth inside".  I felt soooo relieved!!  One less thing to worry about.  The biggest fibroid I do have is about the size of a plum, so this should not give me any pain etc.  And again he stressed how common they are for women my age.

He asked for a blood draw for me today. HCG/Progesterone.  I asked if they would do a urine test 1st and he said absolutely not.  I rely on what the blood tells me, not those tests.  (Of course I didnt listen went and bought one after the appt and BFN right in my face)  And he also gave me four RX to follow my ovulation levels this month.  Days 9,11,13,15 of this cycle to see how I do.  He said if I dont get pregnant this cycle with those numbers he will be able to decide if we should try clomid.

I came out of the appt feeling a little better about whats been going on.  At least my blood work didnt give me more shit to worry about.  At least I have a plan if I dont get pregnant.  But I was really confused  about staying with this dr now.  My husband said I can think about it if I want and see the other drs he suggested (the nurse said these 2 brother OBS have saved MORE babies in the 10 years she is there than any other OBs they work with).  I could use him to get me pregnant and then go back to Dr vajayjay who was more than competent with my rainbow.  Or I could stop all these meds.  Go to dr vajayjay and have him create a plan for me.  This is alot to absorb in one day and it left me a little confused tonight. The only thing I do know for sure is that *he* can not be part of the plan if I stick with the original drs I had with my son....

What should I do????????  I have a lot to think about here, but my gut is saying to stick with dr vajayjay and so is my husband.  Like I have said before, those 2 have a bromance going on and he does care about me like his own daughter (his words).  My husband did ask me tonight if we'd be able to keep him on board along side dr jayjays peris and that I was not sure about.

My head hurts (literally).  Ive had a migraine for a few days.  I just wish AF would show her face so we can move forward.....

Dragging Out....

Last night I had some pink spotting.  I was pretty sure AF was starting early.  Over night there was nothing, and today I am back to LB spotting.  This is very unusual for me. 5days before AF is due I never spot.  I get spotting 2 days before, so if this was a normal cycle I would have started red today.

Ive been reading a lot tonight on break through bleeding.  Many sites say its normal to have this a day or 2 before AF (spotting) but 6days before warrants checking it out.  Some sites said pregnancy related, fibroids, estrogen levels dropping etc.  The fibroids make sense to me.  But why this month?  Of all the months we have been ttc, this is the 1st month I have it so soon.  Could it be the progesterone causing this to start so soon?

When I seen the red last night I was pretty certain AF was starting and I was OK.  I didnt cry and I didnt feel like I was defeated.  I just felt like I had to really think hard about when I would TTC again.  I dont feel safe trying with these levels all screwed up.

But something in me is still holding onto hope this isnt over, and I KNOW its crazy.  I dont feel pregnant at all.  I have headaches, but this is most likely these pills.  Anything I am feeling is all pointing to AF.  Ive become a pro, but until I see that red again it isnt over....thats what is annoying me.

I was fine last night because I felt like I was getting the answer.  I didnt have to play the guessing game.    I didnt have to keep wondering if my body was doing this again.  This dragging my face through the mud is really annoying!!!

I didnt take the progesterone last night because I thought AF started.  My dr ordered me to stop if it showed up.  Since it didnt show up 'officially' I took it tonight.  All my years in the RR I remembered alot of girls spotted on n off because of progesterone and I wondered if that is what caused this early spotting and not necessarily AF.  I wish AF would just start already so I can stop this guessing game.  I know its coming.  I feel it.  I just need to see it.

I will say though I woke up with a lot of energy today.  I was able to actually CLEAN my house and mop and get it back to looking like its my house and not an abandoned shack.  Im embarassed to say the dust in my bedroom was able to have the words "Clean me" written into them :/  That is sooooo unlike me!  Ive just been picking my battles this month.  Between being so depressed her bday is coming up and feeling like shit, I couldnt do what I usually do and thats ok.  I allowed myself that much at least.  I had 3 laundry bags full of clean clothes that needed to be put away for a few days already.  My poor husband had been 'shopping' out of them, without complaint.  He knows I am doing my best.  Im not a super woman as much as I try to be.  The most important thing to focus on this month was my son, and thats all I really cared to look after.

I usually dont say this, but I wish I had a magic ball to see how things played out for the rest of this year.  A friend pointed out tomorrow starts the Chinese New Year, the year of the water snake.  I came across this tonight as well, pretty cool.  Hope its true for me and many of my friends ttc :::

The WATER SNAKE of 2013, paves the path for re-birth, new beginnings and transformation as she sheds her skin.

Water is the womb of life and seeds being planted for the future. By the year of the HORSE in 2014, when the elements finally line up amicably–wood for growth and creativity and fire for passion –the world will feel right again.  The Water Snake year will plant the embryo to bear fruit in 2014. This is a time to set your ship on course to manifest your wildest dreams.

This year let go of all attachments—emotional, mental, physical, financial, and spiritual- that may be holding you back. Transform them, like the Water Snake, into something of value that will help you move ahead to the next level of your be-ing.  As with anything, you must research your past to detect patterns and behaviors that no longer work for you in order to change the course of the future.

Deficient in D3??? Sure...why not!

Still spotting...this is throwing me off now.  AF is due tuesday.  I would usually start spotting 2 days before.  I started this thursday.  Since I know exactly the day I ovulated does that give me a short luteal phase?

I called the Dr's office today to see if perhaps some of the 50 million test results were in.  CBC normal, thyroid normal, Vitamin D3 not normal.  What?  WTH is D3?  I didnt know there were different kinds of vitamin D.  Apparently there are.  And my level is at 30.  I didnt think to ask what a normal level was, but she said I was "severely deficient' and needed to start taking supplements for that.  4000iu a day.  Some of the girls knew what this was and suggested I up the amount.  I will follow the nurses's orders until I speak directly with the dr on tuesday.  Once I googled D3 deficiency symptoms, I was not surprised at all.  I could check yes to everything but high blood pressure!!!  Crazy!  The lower back pain was really shocking.  I have always complained about my back.  My husband says I should have married a masseuse cause all I do is ask him to rub it, lol.  Im curious to see when the levels return to normal if lots of these symptoms disappear.

I told her I started spotting and I was really sad because we dtd, like the dr ordered, that day and it still didnt work.  She said that no matter what happens (AF shows or not) to call up and let the dr know so that they can go from there.  She gave me some tips on when to dtd.  That was an awkward conversation to say the least.  Never thought Id get directions.

Ive been feeling good as far as the meds go.  Still feeling sluggish, and headaches, and loss of appetite, but nothing major.

I dont know where we go from here.  I guess continue to regime.  Get the vitamin D3 up.  keeping having my heart broken?

On a different note..........

I had some time to play with my son in the snow today.  Ive dreamt of this moment for a LONG time!  When my daughter died it snowed the 'worst' this area has seen in a while.  I couldnt stand to see snow.  It literally gave me triggers of her burial.  When I was pregnant with my rainbow it snowed more than anything else :/  One time it snowed 20inches!!!  The more it snowed with him, the more I started to imagine playing with him in it.  It made that sadness a little brighter.

Last year he was too small.  he hated it actually and it didnt snow more than a few times.  TODAY?  Today he loved it.  He played and I took pics, and videos and videos and pics.  I wanted to make sure I remembered this moment forever.  A moment I never imagined Id be able to have.  And I stopped.  Literally.  I stared at him. I realized I have right in front of me what I keep dreaming for.  I want more because he has done so much for my heart.

We cooked dinner together like we do every night.  Again I stopped and stared at him.  I sucked the tears in watching him "chop" the shavings on the zucchini.  Another moment I never thought Id have.

So while yesterday I felt cheated.  Today I feel lucky.  Some dont even have this....and for that I am grateful <3  

Thank you for your kind words and comments.  It isnt usual for me to share such personal things like this.  My daughters death was different.  This makes me feel more vulnerable for some reason.  I dont like to feel pitied.  But I do find comfort in knowing I am 'not alone'.

xo

Spotting...</3

AF isnt due until Tuesday, but I spotted tonight.  Thats a sure sign shes coming.  happens to me all the time. ( Please do not comment if you are going to tell me it can be implantation bleeding.  Please do not tell me to think positive. )

Im so angry with myself and my body.  Ive had my usual PMS symptoms.  Ive become a pro actually.

I knew I wanted to skip this month because I couldnt handle a BFN/AF before her birthday.  Too much sadness at once.

I hate this....

Hate....

Im just sitting here in the dark crying.  Im also sick of hearing how awful its been for others.  How I already have 1 rainbow I should be grateful.  How some still have yet to get that.  I feel like screaming at them, "You  happy now?  Its not happening!!  You feel better now?"  Believe me, my heart aches for those.  But when it comes to this.  Im selfish.  Just like I want my daughter here, and not floating on some clouds.  I want more children.  For us.  This is the part of my life that seems to keep getting shoved back into my face.  My reject body rejecting babies.  

And with the statistics I heard from this new Dr.  Its literally that.  My body repelling the babies from implanting.  What a way to make you feel like shit.

When I came out of the bathroom I wanted to just start crying right there.  But I held it in, as I usually do.  Im not a crier and I really prefer not to have an audience when I actually do.  I just said to my husband "Im spotting.  It didnt work again." And his face froze.  "Is it due already?"  Of course he is trying to find the bright side of it.  But since he has a penis he will never understand.  Must be nice to own one of those.  Have literally one part in this whole process while I have to have flashbacks every single month.

I really dont know how much longer Id be able to get have this heart break every month.  Am I asking too much???  I remember when my daughter died screaming "If she was going to die why did I even get pregnant.  Why take her??"....Maybe God is answering that question now.  Maybe another pregnancy would end in death...again.  And if that is the case, I really dont need to get pregnant.  Im already a mental mess as it is.

But now everyone knows around us.  My inlaws know.  My brother, his gf.  Everyone.  And as much as its no ones business but ours.  I feel like I am a failure in front of everyone.  Again.

I hate February.....

Trial & Error

I feel like a voluntary lab rat.

Im not a fan of taking medication.

When these options were given to me as a way to help us get rainbow #2 I didnt even think twice.  I went the same night and filled the scripts.   It was that simple.  I want another baby much more than I want to be all natural.  Im not even that 'all natural' anyways, I just dont like pills.

Well day 1 was great! Day 2 was ok too.  Day 3?  Day 3 on metformin felt like I had a stomach virus.  Chills, sweats, and trapped in the bathroom for 3hrs.  I felt like garbage.  How can I take care of my son when I feel like this?  Once the 3hrs were up I felt better again, and I started to google.  Since I have never been on these meds I didnt know what to expect personally.  I heard lots of feedback from the girls, and even the dr mentioned it can give some gastro issues, but I didnt know exactly what would happen.  Those 2days of no side effects also through me off.

I read a lot of sites of people who were suffering those symptoms who were eating too many carbs.  No carbs.  That was going to be tricky.  Even as a vegan (when I was before my daughter) I was still able to eat pasta and rice.  Now what would I eat?  I dont like meat.  I will have a burger I make myself, but to have a huge slab of carcass on my dish with a side of salad just isnt me.  And guess what?  I did it.  I eliminated carbs.  I found some great recipes for breakfasts (since I have to take the meds after I eat in the AM n PM) and made it happen.  No 'stomach virus' symptoms.  YAY!!

Next day I wake up and I am not feeling right.  I felt drained.  I was very white in the face.  My hands and arms were trembling.  I felt like I was about to faint.  I felt dizzy.  Oh shit, is my sugar too low now??  I dont have the glucose meter.  I was alone at home with my son.  I said to myself, "screw this, I am going to eat carbs right now because Id rather shit my life away than have my son see me passed out on the floor with no one to find me for hrs".

I started to google again.  Google can really help you.  I noticed I was able to eat 30g of carbs per meal, and luckily a friend was able to confirm what I read.  whew!!  It wasnt the carbs I had to eliminate, it was the man made carbs (pasta, bread etc).  Ok easy.  I can def do that!!  I love veggies and I was kind of freaking out because alot of the veggies n fruits i eat are full of carbs.

Guess what?  Now I cant go.  Like at all.  Google again.  Find out this is another 'side effect' of metformin.  One I did not hear about from the girls.  Of course, my luck.  So I ate pasta, figured since that was what took my life out of me, it would work again.  Not so much.

Tomorrow I will add a few tablespoons of cocunt oil to my daily intake of things.  Why not?  It should help my stomach and its good tasting too.

And my thoughts on progesterone?  yeah, this is legal weed in a pill.  I constantly feel high.  I feel tired.  I feel like I just dont want to get off my couch.  I liked the sleeping part the first few days, but the groggy cant move my body part isnt so fun.

One 'side effect' of not having my son watch TV all day, is on days like these when I felt like shit, literally, I couldnt just put the TV on for him and he would sit there.  I still had to be his mother.

And I made that work too.

He never knew a thing.  I on the other hand have had several breakdowns.  It shouldnt be this hard, and believe me I know it can be harder.  But this is MY hard.  I dont discredit anyone elses struggles ttc and I wish others wouldnt minimize mine.

Physically tonight I feel good.  I am afraid to even type that and jinx myself, but after 3years of feeling like everything I did jinxed my daughter to die, I know better.  Typing how I feel wont create more 'side effects'.

As the month gets closer to her birthday my patience is even less.  Add her birthday, added hormones, stress, grief, and anger and I am a bomb ready to explode.

Im so scared for what the next week will bring.  I gave myself small goals to take away the pressure.  Goal #1 was the Dr.  Goal #2 blood work.  Goal #3 the day AF is due. That is one week away and I am literally afraid of that goal.  =(((

A little bit of this and a little bit of that...

When this dr ordered me to have blood work done, I wasnt shocked.  I was shocked today when the lab tech was refusing to do all the tests in one day.  "This isnt allowed!!  You have too many.  You will need to break it up into 2days".  I rolled my eyes because I am used to hearing that, "Miss Ive done 22 viles before. I can do this!" She had to get her supervisor in to approve.  I seriously wanted to laugh at her, until I heard the amount she was asking permission to take.  "This patient needs to have all these done today.  It will be at least 50".  50?? WTF is he testing for??  Her supervisor explained to her that the only patients they can refuse to do that many to, are children, and she is to continue if I am ok with it.  Ok 50 seemed like a lot, so I asked her to please count.  It was actually 42...!!!!!  I asked her not to stick my left arm.  The veins suck there.  Just stick the right one and you can probably fill jugs with no issues.  Did she listen?  No, she insisted the left was 'just fine'...ok...after a swollen vein and about 20 tubes she had to stick me again in the other arm....42 in total and I was just fine.  Like I told her I would be.  I couldnt use my arm for a few hours today! sucked balls!!

I had my son with me.  I usually have my mom watch him because children in dr's offices or labs gross me out.  I feel like I am just asking for him to get sick.  I might as well have him lick the bottoms of shoes for fun.  But I had no choice.  Today my mom worked, and like many other moms in this world, I made it work.  I came prepared with his IPAD, snacks and his toy of the week, a plush puppy he bought one day when we went to visit my daughters grave.

I think of all that had to be done in the lab, the hardest part was when the supervisor asked "is he your only one?"  This question is annoying but I guess its 'normal' for people to wonder.  Maybe because he was so well behaved while he waited in his stroller, she had to assume I knew what I was doing?  "No, hes not my daughter passed away" and then the "im so sorry" and the "its ok dont worry about it" and then, I was SHOCKED...."Was she stillborn?"  What gave that away?  I mean, WOW.....there are hundreds of ways children can die.  Sadly I know lots of crazy stories.  "Yes...wow, how did you know that?  Its almost 3 years now"..."Well, look at all the blood work you are doing.  We dont get many women in here doing that much unless they had a stillborn"...I didnt know whether to feel relieved that other women in this city have had stillborns too (and im not the only one) or to feel sick to my stomach that there are women who have had to sit here and go through this process too.

My son must have realized what was going on because he asked if "mommy have booboo?"   I just said "yes..."but I wished I could have said no.

Today starts the month that I literally cant breath through.  My patience is so minimal you can probably say its non existent.  I wonder if I am the only one that feels like this.  I wonder if I am the only one that cringes looking at the expiration dates of foods because I dont want to see anything else 'go bad' on that day.  I dont want to see anything on tv that will premier that day.  I just want everyone to skip mentioning the word February.  My mind involuntarily starts to flash back to what ever I was doing on that day.  "dr appt, shopping, painting, decorating, etc etc etc".  I cant remember what I ate yesterday, but I can literally map that whole month right out.  Its haunting.  

I dont feel the ache like I did last year.  I dont think my mind has been allowed to 'go there'.  But I feel the sadness living in the corner.  It peaks out and I push it back.  It peaks out and I push it back.  Its probably why I am feeling so angry.  Anger is fear.  I will never forget my friend telling me that after she died.  I fear she is forgotten every day.  Not by you all, I know you dont.  But by the rest of the world.  Its just easier for them if I never mention her death.  If I smiled all the time.  If I had a fb status that just spoke about laughing and smiling.  If I just accepted how ever they chose to comfort me, instead of having my own feelings about it.  1 day down 27 more to go!!