Fuck this!!
I cant get a few days of peace?
I finally got the HCG numbers yesterday and they were 450. The original was 191, so it more than doubled and we were happy. We even went out last night to dinner to celebrate this after so many months of struggles.
Today?
Today I noticed something on my underwear, but I wasnt sure because they were beige. It seemed to have color to it. So after a shower I put on white ones. I wiped and seen nothing so thought maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I mean in the last, almost week, I think I broke records on wiping and checking and checking and wiping in search for blood. I went to pee and as much as I wish I was crazy, I seen it. Brownish, wateryish, discharge. I wont call it blood since I learned at the specialist, blood is red. Brown is spotting. So yeah, I had spotting.
PLEASE do not tell me how normal this is. I know there are lots of stories on this. I run a preg group and have seen many positive outcomes. Im me. This is now pregnancy #3 and the only ones I can really compare to are my own. Guess what? I had this same thing with my daughter. I literally whipped our her DPO symptoms chart and on 17dpo I had this exact 'color' and then on 19dpo it was pink after I went #2. Was told it was normal and blah blah we know how that ended. With my son I had something darker at 18w and when I was checked it was not blood at all some 'mucous' thing I forget the name of.
Im not going to the ER because there is nothing they can do and nothing they can check for anyway. Its too early to see anything. I did more blood on friday and I should have those results tomorrow since the specialists office was closed yesterday. I was going to skip the bloodwork for tomorrow but now I am going in. I just need to see where the levels are going. And believe me I know all these numbers mean shit without a heart beat.
Now I am wondering what am I going to do. I have an almost 2yr old to take care of. I am a SAHM/WAHM. I am able to lay in bed today because my husband is off and my mom is visiting. But tomorrow everyone goes back to work. I am well aware that I knew all of this when I was TTC, but I was also praying for a normal damn pregnancy~~!!!!
Is crack really the answer?? Im wondering more and more exactly why my positivity with this pregnancy has to constantly be brought down. Am I showing the universe TOO much happiness? Should I be a hermit and never mention anything. Should my posts not be light hearted? Should I just say "if this baby comes home" instead of "when"....IM SICK of this shit!!!!!!
Id love to be able to do a 'one year ago today' and it be St. Patrick's day 2014 and be able to read this and feel sorry for myself for being so scared, while I am cuddling this baby. THAT Is all I want!!!
Am I just being greedy?????
Damned if you do and damned if you dont~~!!!!
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