Today isnt going so smooth.
my lab results were not completed properly. Stupid quest never did the HCG so I only have the progesterone. Tue was 66 Thur was 54..I literally thought my knees were going to buckle when they said that. Even though the number is insanely high I didnt know what it meant. Usually numbers going down are bad, right? Luckily the nurse was able to calm me down by having dr vajayjay get on the phone with me almost immediately. He spoke some scientific language I cant even pretend to remember any other word except "physiology" and basically that number will fluctuate but its in such a high range he isnt even going to concern himself and I should feel good about it. Right, feel good?
I am seriously considering starting a t-shirt line that says "Must Be Nice To Have a Penis" because it seems the ones who are the most relaxed always have them. Well If I had the HCG numbers to compare to I might have been able to relax. But I dont. I also went ahead and did the 2nd batch of blood work for the new specialist. Initially I wasnt going to follow through, but being that I am really nervous I thought having more labs would be better. So when I got there I spoke with the manager of quest and expressed how annoyed I was about the way they handled the blood work. Blah blah blah he jerked me off and said he was handing it and its 730pm and NO results! I seriously feel like my anxiety is through the roof!!!!
I will have them tomorrow, but still, I should have had them today so that tonight I would have a sure feeling about things and not living in limbo. Hate limbo.
I got a nice littler reminder today of how scary this all was/is. In seconds I felt like everything flashed before my eyes. I was losing all my dreams...literally in seconds. Scared is an understatement. I set small goals, but the dreamer in me is sneaking in those future plans already. Id be lying if I wasnt thinking about this baby 24/7. Now Im so scared that this baby will be taken from me. I cant have that!!!!
Of course I feel like all my symptoms are gone. Yet I still have headaches, peeing often and super lethargic. But I need more. Id gladly take puking all day long or smell aversions. My friend always called it a mommy doppler. If I get to that point I am sure I will be cursing typing that line out, but Id much rather be puking because it means I made it to that milestone. And for me both pregnancies went to 20weeks of hypermesis. I welcome it!!!
How will I make it through this time? I need crack!!!! Id probably be better off since crack addicts get those babies as often as I tweeze my eyebrows. Ive been playing candy crush and that has helped to occupy my mind but there is something about the way things are going that reminds me of my daughters pregnancy. With her I used to play farmville like crazy. I caught myself wondering today if candy crush would one day be a trigger of a bad memory. When I was pregnant with my son I had no IRL support. Now it seems like there is a lot more and it reminds me of her pregnancy and I wonder if the comfort they found in my sons successful pregnancy, will lead them to that awful day she died and they will run again, leaving me alone....again.
My head hurts. Literally. I need a vacation from my thoughts. Blogging always helps. Glad I was able to dump all my worries and anxiety here and now hopefully I will rest and get good results tomorrow. I keep telling myself all these numbers mean shit. If there is a heartbeat or not will determine how this future will go. As of right now all they are doing is keeping me informed while I wait for that ultrasound....
I NEED TO RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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