The 2nd part of the 2ww was different. I found myself experiencing strange feelings. I was waking up super hungry and anyone who knows me knows I almost always skip breakfast. But I chalked it up to maybe my metabolism has changed since Ive been forcing myself to eat in the mornings now to take the metformin. I was having awful headaches, but I have had those as well with the progesterone pills. If there was a better word for "short temper" when it came to my patience THAT is what I had all week. I blamed it on the fact that I just have had so much to absorb lately I just needed a mental break. I then had no spotting on CD26 or 27. That is odd. I always spot 2 days before, but I promise you I chalked that up to a friends advise that the progesterone starts to level out at some point and figured thats what it was.
I couldnt be pregnant. I mean we did follow the drs orders, but that was the only day we dtd. It was my daughters bday month and emotionally I was not feeling like doing anything but sticking my head in the ground. And even after those initial 'directions' from the dr, we didnt do it again. I just was tired of feeling like a failure every month.
The day AF was due I woke up and realized I still didnt have it. That was odd. I get it like clock work every month. I didnt even have any pregnancy tests in the house because I was sick of getting BFNs and I said if I found out it would be through blood work. No more money down the drain.
I called my husband who suggested I go buy a test before doing the blood work. Me being the control freak I am, went right away to buy them as well as making the appointment for the beta that same day. Hey, even if the tests didnt show a positive I was curious to see what the blood work said anyways.
I was really pissed. I had a 20% coupon I let expire because I didnt want to jinx it. I get to the register and the FRER was not only on sale, but it went from $25 to $11 for a 3 pack (lets face it I wasnt buying them before, but if I was doing this I was doing it right lol)!! haha! I felt like I won money on a scratch ticket. So I didnt feel badly about getting them. I was happy it wasnt the same sales associate too. She always gives me this look like, "Oh you again?" That wasnt helping my ego either.
I ran in the house and literally pulling my pants off at the same time running towards the rest room. I grab a cup to pee in because I was not taking any chances that I didnt pee directly on it (although by now Id be a professional without even looking Id bet). Nothing. There was nothing on the stick. Then all of a sudden TWO bright pink lines!!!!!! I started screaming like a lunatic (I have never done that before!!) "YES....YES....YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" I literally was running around the house. No pants. Stick in the air. My son then followed me "yesth yesth yesth (with his little lisp). He had no clue why we were doing this, but he thought it was a great game.
I grabbed the IPAD to tell my husband. I had my son hold the stick and Factime his dad. Apparently he understood that when you hold this stick you have to say "yes yes yes" so that is what he was telling daddy. Of course my poor husband just wanted to know what was going on and I quickly told him we were pregnant!! This dr made it happen for us!!
I went that afternoon and had the blood work done. HCG came back at 191 and Progesterone came back at 66!! That was w3d6.
I then went the day after and met with my old OB. I decided that was going to be my plan (after some good advice from you girls!). Use the specialist to get the BFP and use the dr that got my son here to follow along. He performed an u/s and to both our surprise a sac was there at 4w!! A tiny little black hole filled with love already. I swear it even took the shape of a heart. Made me think of a special little girl and I had such a calm over me.
This time its different. Everything is different. Ive never been pregnant and had a living child before now. Ive never been pregnant and experienced a living birth before now. Ive never been pregnant and have the knowledge of 2 clotting disorders before.
I started my shots already. For some reason those bastards burned alot more this time than last time, but I wonder if I was physically numb to pain during that time? What ever the case, it made me go double check the box to make sure it was the right dose. Wasnt expecting that.
My symptoms were all correct. Frequent trips to the bathroom, lower back pain, twinges in my uterus, headaches, emotional, tired, achey, feel like I have a hangover all day. My dogs are literally attached to my hip and cry for me. My boobs are not sore but they are also not without feeling. I literally feel as though I am feeling exactly the symptoms I had for both pregnancies, and it wasnt til a friend blogged those same thoughts today that made me feel less crazy to think.
I could guess right now what I am having, but it doesnt matter either way. I just need this baby to make it home. My lovely friends have given it some a cute name already.
Its different this time because I am trying my best not to let fear rob me of the happy memories, and in the same sentence I want to mention that I am so scared to feel "too" happy because something will go wrong. This baby will die because I let my guard down. Stupid, I know, but doesnt make the thoughts go away.
Im finding myself in a very awkward position, much like I did with my 1st rainbow. Those same friends that carried me through her death, left after I announced his pregnancy. Some were so close to me, I couldnt believe how I was treated. Now I am feeling like I dont know where I belong. Do I belong to these same rainbow mothers? Some of them are not going down the path of pregnancy anymore. Some of them have lost their own rainbows. Some of them have children who died the month this child is due, and it hurts me to know they will fear this baby born on that day. Or who was also due that month. Or who was hoping to also be due that month and so on and so on.
Im a good friend and sometimes I think way too much about how my joy will hurt others...but there is only 1 person who I am the most afraid this pregnancy will hurt. And that is my sister. She assured me last night that there is nothing she wants more than to see this baby come home too. She said I was her hope....It made us both cry. There is a lot of pressure in being someones "hope" but id much rather be that for her and not a reminder of what she may never experience herself.
I wish all women who wanted children can have them as quickly as the thought came. I wish those mothers who were undeserving suffered the pains and the good moms suffered with joys.
PLEASE do not mention any of this on my FB. There are many people I do not allow access to this link. There are also many people I have not told this to IRL and I would hate to deal with drama.
You can feel free to follow along with this next part of our life. I may want to make this private at some point so I can share pictures. So please leave your email so when the day comes I can easily contact you with the link.
Its been a very emotional roller coaster, but ive experienced nothing less after losing my daughter. The only thing I ask is that you hope and pray that I never have to experience loss again....Thank you for your support up until now. And I do hope you continue to follow along =)
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