When the nurse drew my blood Tuesday night to see if I ovulated at all I was pretty nervous. Even though the dr had seen what appeared to be the beginning of ovulation and a corpus luteum, I was afraid to hear the results. I asked if they would call me, and the nurse said it would be fine for me to call, but since it was late in the evening the results may take until today to be there. She was right, there were none yesterday.
Today on the way home from a much needed play date with my friend and her rainbows, I called. I felt like I was on hold forever. Not only did she come on the phone addressing me by NAME, she was happy for me. She was happy to report I in fact DID ovulate!! Doesnt seem likely I have PCOS, but I have about 500 blood tests to complete tomorrow and that should give more in depth answers. "Good luck!!" she said before we hung up. I met this nurse for a few minutes. Yet here she was excited for me?? What a great team I have become a part of. I asked her "How accurate are the numbers" and she said with such a cheerful voice, "They are 100% accurate, dont worry ____You were definitely ovulating!!!" I learned more today that this dr I am seeing doesnt just see anyone. He sees women who have had some type of a 'story'. Whether it be a loss or infertility, his team of nurses only come across women like us. And I guess you have to be compassionate when these are the mothers you are helping, right?
I had her on bluetooth in the car. My son was asleep in the car seat from playing all day. I let out the biggest "YESSS!!!!" ever, when she hung up! They reality sunk in. I think it took like 40 seconds. "What am I excited about? I knew I was ovulating!! I know my body! This just proves I was right. This is what I was afraid of. This fkn pai is rejecting my babies from implanting".
In a sick twisted way I think I was hoping (not really but you know what I mean) that I didnt ovulate and that was why I didnt get pregnant. I think I would have handled that better than knowing I could
possibly be losing babies before I even know they are there every month. sigh...either scenario sucks and I really hope that this time sticks!
Last night was the 1st night of the new meds cocktail. Seriously?? Progesterone is like a street drug!! I felt like I was high. I could barely text, type or keep my eyes open. I had some weird dreams too! I woke up with a massive headache. Similar to a headache you have after you take too much melatonin OR when you drank more than you can handle. The part I feel awful about typing is as much as this headache sucks balls, I am kind of excited to get some sleep. Insomnia has finally met its match LMAO! Good thing was the metformin didnt hurt my stomach like many said it might. I thought maybe it was just because I had only 1 dose, but 3 doses later, stomach is still ok. I felt a little nauseous today, but it reminded me of being pregnant and I kind of welcomed it. Even had some heartburn too.
Its hard to wonder what the outcome of this will be. I want to feel hopeful, but I also know too much. Sometimes I wish I didnt know as much as I do and still have had the lovenox. So basically ALL the preventative measures with NO knowledge of why I needed them...nice huh? I would be an insurance companies nightmare if I got that passed as a law. Sick world we live in that we wait until babies die to find out WHY babies die.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
We are all in now...
I am feeling so grateful to so many mommas tonight. Its so bittersweet. So many women willing to give me advice and tips on the metformin, prometrium and (if i have it) PCOS. Its sad to know how many of us there really are. But its comforting to know I can turn to any one of you for help.
The one thing that is great about BLMs is the amount of info you can get in hours LOL. It can be better than google too, because the info that is presented to you is presented in a way that makes you cautious and doesnt make you want to jump off a roof.
I picked up the meds today. Im still feeling apprehensive about this whole thing. I dont know why. Im so scared to lose another baby, but Im really worried about the getting pregnant part too. But unless I take this risk I will never know if I missed my chance. Quitters never win right?
I called for the results of the ovulation test, but they were not back yet. I took the test pretty late last night so I wasnt surprised. I should have them early tomorrow. Blood work appointment is set for Friday.
I took my 1st set of pills tonight, and based on the feedback I have gotten from Metformin, I should be shitting down my leg at some point 0_o. So far so good though<---and I probably just jinxed myself.
It feels weird taking progesterone, especially when I never had progesterone issues. But I liked his view on them so I wasnt hesitant to take them. It never hurts to have more help. And again based on the feedback seems like the pill is easier to deal with so that is also good.
Its been a really sad day for me. Im really tired of feeling this way, but I know its not going to go away until after her birthday passes. So I will just give myself the benefit of the doubt and allow myself this time to grieve. But all the information I got yesterday is slowly sinking in and I am feeling sorry for myself. I really hate that. Im not a cry baby or a complainer. I dont feel I am better than anyone so the 'why me' isnt hitting me as much as the 'how many things do I have to have?', is. I just cant believe that almost 3 years later I am still hearing more shit about what happened, and what could happen
BLAH. I stopped talking to my therapist because I got tired of saying the same things. Im started to feel the same way about this and its only been a few months of knowing I have it and all its causing. But we are all in now. The trying, the meds, and now the waiting.
The one thing that is great about BLMs is the amount of info you can get in hours LOL. It can be better than google too, because the info that is presented to you is presented in a way that makes you cautious and doesnt make you want to jump off a roof.
I picked up the meds today. Im still feeling apprehensive about this whole thing. I dont know why. Im so scared to lose another baby, but Im really worried about the getting pregnant part too. But unless I take this risk I will never know if I missed my chance. Quitters never win right?
I called for the results of the ovulation test, but they were not back yet. I took the test pretty late last night so I wasnt surprised. I should have them early tomorrow. Blood work appointment is set for Friday.
I took my 1st set of pills tonight, and based on the feedback I have gotten from Metformin, I should be shitting down my leg at some point 0_o. So far so good though<---and I probably just jinxed myself.
It feels weird taking progesterone, especially when I never had progesterone issues. But I liked his view on them so I wasnt hesitant to take them. It never hurts to have more help. And again based on the feedback seems like the pill is easier to deal with so that is also good.
Its been a really sad day for me. Im really tired of feeling this way, but I know its not going to go away until after her birthday passes. So I will just give myself the benefit of the doubt and allow myself this time to grieve. But all the information I got yesterday is slowly sinking in and I am feeling sorry for myself. I really hate that. Im not a cry baby or a complainer. I dont feel I am better than anyone so the 'why me' isnt hitting me as much as the 'how many things do I have to have?', is. I just cant believe that almost 3 years later I am still hearing more shit about what happened, and what could happen
BLAH. I stopped talking to my therapist because I got tired of saying the same things. Im started to feel the same way about this and its only been a few months of knowing I have it and all its causing. But we are all in now. The trying, the meds, and now the waiting.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Dr appt update...
Im sorry to have kept you all waiting this long. There was a lot of information given and I just needed to absorb it all.
The office is beautiful, the staff is friendly and respectful. They all addressed me by name, even those women I had no direction connection with. I was really impressed.
First thing we did was the consult with the nurse where she asked all the normal questions. We spoke about my daughters pregnancy, birth and death. Family history. My sons pregnancy and birth etc.
I was then brought into an exam room. The u/s tech introduced herself and gave me time to change. The Dr came in and we introduced ourselves. The u/s tech began the exam with a transvaginal u/s. I was pretty shocked by that. Within minutes the Dr began pointing out the "fundal fibroid". And before I knew it there were 5. 2 of which are 'twins' connected to each other. the are all in the uterine lining. Then he says "You have not ovulated as of yet, the uterine line doesnt show any signs of progesterone." Again I was shocked to see how much I was hearing about my uterus in like 10min. They began to look at my ovaries for PCOS. He pointed out my left ovary has about 3 cysts but "nothing to write home about. And its not enough to directly indicate you have PCOS, which would be connected to the PAI". The other ovary how ever did show signs of a corpes luteum and from what he can tell I ovulated early today, which would explain why the uterus walls didnt show anything yet.
We spoke about how the last time I had a fibroid I was pregnant with my daughter. He explained how half of women have them and they do not pose any problems. Drs like to 'blame' loss on fibroids when they do not take the time to look more into the reasons for child loss. He STRESSED for me not to google because I will be very scared about what it will tell me. He said unless it was blocking the tubes or cervix it would not affect my fertility.
He pointed out my c section scar and how poorly it healed. He also said that it make pose an issue in a pregnancy and would need to be monitored closely. For what? For uterine rupture, like I already didnt have enough to fucking worry about!!!
We spoke about our failed attempts at ttc. He said that many woman with PAI will have months were they dont ovulate, and months where they do. It has some to do with PCOS and it has some to do with the insulin issues it brings. (dont remember exactly how he put it). But since he didnt examine me those times he cant say if I did or didnt. He actually does not thing baby aspirin had anything at ALL to do with me not ovulating. The dosage was not strong enough to affect it negatively. So as far as he is concerned we may have actually conceived (like I suspected) and the baby didnt stick. He said 60%...SIXTY% of women with PAI will have lost a baby before they even get their period because implantation fails....thats a high number, right? He said that I am not too 'old' but with what I have it may be the reason I have been struggling. The younger you are the easier it is. He fears though, that if I dont ttc that eventually I will stop ovulating all together. That is when he scared me into knowing I need to take action NOW.
He was so sympathetic to my stillbirth. He was shocked that the OB for her birth would have just said it was a "fluke" when the findings he sees in front of him in her autopsy all point to clotting issues. He was happy to see that lovenox worked for my son, but that because of my recent issues he wants to introduce some new treatments for my plan.
I asked him about the 'sticky thing'. I have never asked a dr about this because I never needed direction on how to TTC. He told me that it doesnt mean you ovulated that day, but that ovulation will occur in a few days. Its a good indication that things are working 'properly' but that not every will notice it. Of course I do because I have it happening, and I really dont know how you could miss it???
Metformin is one. I have seen this word around, but dont know much about it. I will have to take 2 a day. 1 in the morning and 1 at night. He said that it may upset my stomach and if I was to get pregnant I would take it until 12w. The other is prometrium. He said it will help to sustain a healthy pregnancy. The last 'new' thing is Metanx. It is a vitamin specifically for MTHFR patients, and get this!! HE himself suffers from MTHFR and takes it as well, every day, for the rest of his life. He is a miracle baby. His mother almost lost him, and bled for almost 5months of her pregnancy. He is probably in his 50s/60s.
He asked about my history with depression and how I treat it. I told him the truth, I dont take any meds and dont want to. I meditate and paint, and due to the fact I am NOT suicidal, it works for me. And he agreed. He was really happy with my diet and way of living. He said I didnt need to stop drinking completely, that a glass of red wine would not only be ok, but it would be beneficial for me. Too bad I like heinekens LOL, which he said "Oh no, thats no good" haha!
This dr told me that I will get pregnant. He doesnt think I will have much trouble, especially with this little cocktail of pills I will be on. But he doesnt think I am in a position to pick and choose which months I want to ttc. He actually sent me home with 'homework' to dtd since we will know for sure (with the blood work i took tonight) if I actually did ovulate this morning. The egg will only be good for 24hrs.
If it doesnt work this time, more testing will be done. I am not sure how much I am willing to do before I have to accept its not going to happen.
I cried, but not as much as you would think. I kind of knew everything he told me, I just needed a wand to confirm it. I knew I was ovulating but I wasnt sure. I knew PAI was the problem, but I wasnt sure. I knew we probably did conceive, but we will never truly know.
I have a ton of blood work to do tomorrow. I have to pick up the new meds. I have a prescription for a beta count to be done in 12-14 days. When he handed me that paper I nearly puked. "You are pretty confident dr arent you?" And he said "I am. You are ovulating. If it doesnt happen we will take it from there".
So there I have it. 5 fibroids, 3 cysts, I am ovulating, PAI is probably fucking with me, I may have signs of PCOS, I need to start new meds, and I LOVE this dr!
I loved knowing he had what I had, because that means he wants to know MORE about it. He is writing a book that should be out in June. He said they were going to have some illustrations done inside and was really impressed with the paintings I showed him ( I showed him the 2 recent ones I did for my daughter). He nearly teared up with the one with the mom handing the baby to the Angel. He told me it was the most precious thing he has ever seen.
He was compassionate, knowledgeable, supportive, positive, and above all..HE DIDNT BULLSHIT ME. What I have isnt a joke. Its actually connected to type 2 diabetes and he tested me for that too. Its not just a pregnancy thing, its a life thing.
Tonight we ttc. Now we wait and see....
Thank you for the prayers, texts, messages and love. I felt it all. XOXOXO
The office is beautiful, the staff is friendly and respectful. They all addressed me by name, even those women I had no direction connection with. I was really impressed.
First thing we did was the consult with the nurse where she asked all the normal questions. We spoke about my daughters pregnancy, birth and death. Family history. My sons pregnancy and birth etc.
I was then brought into an exam room. The u/s tech introduced herself and gave me time to change. The Dr came in and we introduced ourselves. The u/s tech began the exam with a transvaginal u/s. I was pretty shocked by that. Within minutes the Dr began pointing out the "fundal fibroid". And before I knew it there were 5. 2 of which are 'twins' connected to each other. the are all in the uterine lining. Then he says "You have not ovulated as of yet, the uterine line doesnt show any signs of progesterone." Again I was shocked to see how much I was hearing about my uterus in like 10min. They began to look at my ovaries for PCOS. He pointed out my left ovary has about 3 cysts but "nothing to write home about. And its not enough to directly indicate you have PCOS, which would be connected to the PAI". The other ovary how ever did show signs of a corpes luteum and from what he can tell I ovulated early today, which would explain why the uterus walls didnt show anything yet.
We spoke about how the last time I had a fibroid I was pregnant with my daughter. He explained how half of women have them and they do not pose any problems. Drs like to 'blame' loss on fibroids when they do not take the time to look more into the reasons for child loss. He STRESSED for me not to google because I will be very scared about what it will tell me. He said unless it was blocking the tubes or cervix it would not affect my fertility.
He pointed out my c section scar and how poorly it healed. He also said that it make pose an issue in a pregnancy and would need to be monitored closely. For what? For uterine rupture, like I already didnt have enough to fucking worry about!!!
We spoke about our failed attempts at ttc. He said that many woman with PAI will have months were they dont ovulate, and months where they do. It has some to do with PCOS and it has some to do with the insulin issues it brings. (dont remember exactly how he put it). But since he didnt examine me those times he cant say if I did or didnt. He actually does not thing baby aspirin had anything at ALL to do with me not ovulating. The dosage was not strong enough to affect it negatively. So as far as he is concerned we may have actually conceived (like I suspected) and the baby didnt stick. He said 60%...SIXTY% of women with PAI will have lost a baby before they even get their period because implantation fails....thats a high number, right? He said that I am not too 'old' but with what I have it may be the reason I have been struggling. The younger you are the easier it is. He fears though, that if I dont ttc that eventually I will stop ovulating all together. That is when he scared me into knowing I need to take action NOW.
He was so sympathetic to my stillbirth. He was shocked that the OB for her birth would have just said it was a "fluke" when the findings he sees in front of him in her autopsy all point to clotting issues. He was happy to see that lovenox worked for my son, but that because of my recent issues he wants to introduce some new treatments for my plan.
I asked him about the 'sticky thing'. I have never asked a dr about this because I never needed direction on how to TTC. He told me that it doesnt mean you ovulated that day, but that ovulation will occur in a few days. Its a good indication that things are working 'properly' but that not every will notice it. Of course I do because I have it happening, and I really dont know how you could miss it???
Metformin is one. I have seen this word around, but dont know much about it. I will have to take 2 a day. 1 in the morning and 1 at night. He said that it may upset my stomach and if I was to get pregnant I would take it until 12w. The other is prometrium. He said it will help to sustain a healthy pregnancy. The last 'new' thing is Metanx. It is a vitamin specifically for MTHFR patients, and get this!! HE himself suffers from MTHFR and takes it as well, every day, for the rest of his life. He is a miracle baby. His mother almost lost him, and bled for almost 5months of her pregnancy. He is probably in his 50s/60s.
He asked about my history with depression and how I treat it. I told him the truth, I dont take any meds and dont want to. I meditate and paint, and due to the fact I am NOT suicidal, it works for me. And he agreed. He was really happy with my diet and way of living. He said I didnt need to stop drinking completely, that a glass of red wine would not only be ok, but it would be beneficial for me. Too bad I like heinekens LOL, which he said "Oh no, thats no good" haha!
This dr told me that I will get pregnant. He doesnt think I will have much trouble, especially with this little cocktail of pills I will be on. But he doesnt think I am in a position to pick and choose which months I want to ttc. He actually sent me home with 'homework' to dtd since we will know for sure (with the blood work i took tonight) if I actually did ovulate this morning. The egg will only be good for 24hrs.
If it doesnt work this time, more testing will be done. I am not sure how much I am willing to do before I have to accept its not going to happen.
I cried, but not as much as you would think. I kind of knew everything he told me, I just needed a wand to confirm it. I knew I was ovulating but I wasnt sure. I knew PAI was the problem, but I wasnt sure. I knew we probably did conceive, but we will never truly know.
I have a ton of blood work to do tomorrow. I have to pick up the new meds. I have a prescription for a beta count to be done in 12-14 days. When he handed me that paper I nearly puked. "You are pretty confident dr arent you?" And he said "I am. You are ovulating. If it doesnt happen we will take it from there".
So there I have it. 5 fibroids, 3 cysts, I am ovulating, PAI is probably fucking with me, I may have signs of PCOS, I need to start new meds, and I LOVE this dr!
I loved knowing he had what I had, because that means he wants to know MORE about it. He is writing a book that should be out in June. He said they were going to have some illustrations done inside and was really impressed with the paintings I showed him ( I showed him the 2 recent ones I did for my daughter). He nearly teared up with the one with the mom handing the baby to the Angel. He told me it was the most precious thing he has ever seen.
He was compassionate, knowledgeable, supportive, positive, and above all..HE DIDNT BULLSHIT ME. What I have isnt a joke. Its actually connected to type 2 diabetes and he tested me for that too. Its not just a pregnancy thing, its a life thing.
Tonight we ttc. Now we wait and see....
Thank you for the prayers, texts, messages and love. I felt it all. XOXOXO
The Invisible Man
If someone asked me what grief feels like, almost 3 years later, I would definitely say its different. Now I feel like grief is an invisible man. He walks right behind me. He has his hands wrapped around me neck, and every so often he squeezes. Just a little. Just enough to cut off the air I breath. Sometimes he sticks his legs in front of me and I trip, and when I look up all I see is the past, and where I used to be. Sometimes he covers my eyes so I cant see anything else. Sometimes he takes his arms and goes right into my heart and punches it.
And last night? Last night it felt as though he held the pillow over my face and forced me to remember everything that was, and all that will never be.
If there is anything I can say about "hate", I hate this life. I found so many letters I wrote my best friends while I was pregnant. I think the hardest to find were the "99 bottles of milk on the walls". I started this countdown when I only had 99 days left...I really believed that at the end of this countdown I would be fine. I also found a letter I wrote thanking them for the incredible baby shower. In this letter I could feel how happy we all were, and how excited to have her HERE we would be. I felt like I was watching a horrible baby loss movie. It played out so slow in my mind, and I knew how it ended. It did not end how this family was hoping. Instead each person in those letters will leave this bereaved mother at some point. Each letter of hopes and dreams will now be nothing but a memory of what could have been.
Those images I had about all her special things would never get put to use. Instead I will just have this aching pain in my heart for the rest of my life because it really did happen. She was here. I was happy. She died. And my life will never be the same. Some days I feel like I have that invisible man in a head lock and I can kick his ass. Some days it feels like the complete opposite.
3 years ago today I was joining a lamaze class. There were 3 other couples. But we were all due around the same time. It was all our 'firsts'. I was that 1 in 4 in that class. And I bet they never knew. Our last class what 4 days before she was born. Ironically the birthing class. I was more than prepared...yet didnt expect it to be a dead baby.
Today? 3 years later I am feeling as though I am having to relive all the pain and guilt of her death by going to find out what is wrong with me. A new beginning today. But for what, I have no idea yet.
Im just really sad and scared...I hate the invisible man...
And last night? Last night it felt as though he held the pillow over my face and forced me to remember everything that was, and all that will never be.
If there is anything I can say about "hate", I hate this life. I found so many letters I wrote my best friends while I was pregnant. I think the hardest to find were the "99 bottles of milk on the walls". I started this countdown when I only had 99 days left...I really believed that at the end of this countdown I would be fine. I also found a letter I wrote thanking them for the incredible baby shower. In this letter I could feel how happy we all were, and how excited to have her HERE we would be. I felt like I was watching a horrible baby loss movie. It played out so slow in my mind, and I knew how it ended. It did not end how this family was hoping. Instead each person in those letters will leave this bereaved mother at some point. Each letter of hopes and dreams will now be nothing but a memory of what could have been.
Those images I had about all her special things would never get put to use. Instead I will just have this aching pain in my heart for the rest of my life because it really did happen. She was here. I was happy. She died. And my life will never be the same. Some days I feel like I have that invisible man in a head lock and I can kick his ass. Some days it feels like the complete opposite.
3 years ago today I was joining a lamaze class. There were 3 other couples. But we were all due around the same time. It was all our 'firsts'. I was that 1 in 4 in that class. And I bet they never knew. Our last class what 4 days before she was born. Ironically the birthing class. I was more than prepared...yet didnt expect it to be a dead baby.
Today? 3 years later I am feeling as though I am having to relive all the pain and guilt of her death by going to find out what is wrong with me. A new beginning today. But for what, I have no idea yet.
Im just really sad and scared...I hate the invisible man...
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tomorrow..
When AF showed up I told my husband it was over. I didnt want to talk about TTC. I didnt want to go to a Dr. I didnt want to be reminded that what took my daughter has also taken away my chances. We talked for a long time. Probably one of the most deepest talks we had our whole relationship. He didnt want to give up, and I was tired of proving what I know about PAI-1.
Then I came across the links about baby aspirin and realized that it was the only new thing I had introduced during these rounds of TTC. So I stopped. This weekend I seen the infamous 'sticky thing'...FOR REAL.... I was reminded that I had not seen this in a while. So its possible that at tomorrow's appointment I will hear I ovulated this month. And since I dont have any proof that I didnt ovulate the last few months, there is really no way of knowing if baby aspirin was the blame.
We dtd pretty often. Its one of the things that never changed for us, even after our children. Its a relief. With all that has changed in our relationship, its very special that we still have this connection to keep us grounded. Since we do, I made sure to avoid it this weekend. I knew my husband wasnt going to give up and I knew I needed to hear more info before we took that leap again. Last night we had a date night. Nothing fancy. We really never need to do anything but just be together and watch a movie to reconnect.
We dtd. I had told him just a few days before not to leave it in..(sorry tmi but this is my space)
He did...
I am finding myself in a very awkward position now. I trusted him to respect that I needed more answers before I got my heart broken again and he didnt listen! But in the same breath I felt a sense of relief. It wasnt forced. It wasnt calculated. It may not even mean anything. But I dont feel the pressure I felt the last few months.
Maybe because I didnt know it was going to happen? Maybe because for the 1st time we really were just having fun since it was not connected to ttc?? Maybe I am trying to convince myself these things so that I dont feel like someone stepped on my heart when AF is due in 2 weeks....My official day to ovulate is tomorrow (based on the site I use) but based on my experience with the 'sticky thing' I may have already ovulated Sat night.
The thing that is different this month is he didnt know I would be ovulating. I didnt tell him like I had been the last few times. I am really scared to think either way....
Tomorrow is the dreaded appt. I hate to say it like that because the staff at this office has went beyond anything you would expect!! They treat me over the phone as if they know me for years!! It feels like home, even though its all new. My heart has been racing since they called to confirm the appt. I am a nervous wreck. I dont know how I will get through talking about her autopsy results. I dont know how I will handle him revealing if I actually did ovulate...or didnt. The nurse said they will do an u/s and be able to tell that way, but I am sure I will be taking 50 viles of blood tests. After all its the damn blood that has brought me to him. If you have read this and made it this far, please bust out your pineapples if you are hoping this isnt over for me yet. I would love the chance to mother more children. I was born for this. But I am so afraid to hear that those will just have to be dreams of mine, like so many others.
Thank you <3
Friday, January 25, 2013
Good Vibes!
I finally felt like I fit in today! I was really impressed with the girls I met last week that werent really 'my type', they remembered my sons name, and I am glad I gave them a second chance. They encouraged him and cheered for him as he played. They acted as if they knew him for months. And there wasnt any competition today..To be honest the 'main one' who competed last week was pretty quiet so maybe she is the ring leader? Hopefully she was having a bad week last week and today was how she really is. I liked her much better today, and my son LOVES this woman!! He was holding her hand dragging her around it was so sweet and he feels so comfortable with her, wasnt such a fan of the other one from last week though. She reached her arms out to pick him up and he snubbed her LOL. I always wonder if kids can sense good vibes n bad vibes?
I finally connected with a mom on so many levels. We didnt share too many details about ourselves (so she doesnt know 'my story'), but we shared alot of how we parent and it was really refreshing. I didnt feel like the odd ball out. When she said "We are both police officers. I work the night shifts and I am home before he wakes up and with him all day. Its really nice to be able to spend the day with him and eat dinner as a family. I prefer the night shift. I sacrifice sleep so that I can spend as much time with him as possible."<---Literally quoting how she said it. My jaw dropped. I told her, "Wow you are the 1st person I have met to say they dont care if they lose sleep for their kids" (non-blm). She smiled. I think she felt the same about me. She and I related on so many things! She didnt look at me like I had 50 heads for wanting my son to eat healthy. In fact, that is how her son eats too!! She didnt look at me strange when I said I had never heard of "open play" before, and she even offered some other activities that we may be interested in around our neighborhood. She was so helpful, without that condescending tone you sometimes come across from BTDT moms. Wish more moms (non blm) were like this.
Her son loves sports too, he is only 1 month older than my son and can also play basketball and baseball already, just like mine. He is polite and friendly. He knows how to share. They played 'catch' with the balloons. It was really nice and it was even nicer to see my son making friends.
Although my boy was really staying to himself most of the time today, which is unlike him. All he wanted to do was go down the slides and climb, which was fine. He doesnt need to be interactive with everyone all the time. We laughed for 2 hours straight, and I was even surprised at how fast the time went today!! What a great day and what great memories made together! It was so much fun my son cried when we left. It was so funny because he usually just blows a kiss and says "bye bye" without any issues when we leave somewhere, even the grocery store! He was throwing himself from my arms, crying, saying "no no mommy!! pay(play)!!"
I cant say enough good things about this experience today. Im so glad I didnt get discouraged from last week. I didnt have to be a "BLM" today. I was a mom and they respected that. I even felt comfortable enough to ask for some parenting tips!! Thats big for me, because I dont really trust anyone.
All good things right? Well there were a few moments where I just had to change the subject very nonchalant. There was talk about "the next one" and "their older one" and today...for ONE TIME..I didnt want to get in that conversation. Does that make me bad? I didnt want to be the BLM, I didnt want to be the girl struggling TTC, I didnt want to be the one who was "done having kids because her body is done" TODAY..I just wanted to be a mom at a play group with her son. I feel guilty for that, but its draining and I really need a mental break from my reality sometimes.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Justifiable Complaining.
The one thing I love about having this space again is my ability to say what ever the eff I want without worrying. Its like my very own public diary. And the other great part about this is that if you dont agree with what I say a simple click on the "x" will close this little window filled with my thoughts and you can keep it moving.
I was pregnant with many of my friends with my first. One of the ones I was closest with in due dates, was a long time friend. Her son and my daughter were "boy friend & girl friend". It was really fun planning their life together. A few weeks after my daughter died, her son was born. I heard this news as I was walking out of therapy in the same building in which my daughter just died. Talk about bad timing. So being I was still in the 'fog' and not really sure of how I was supposed to handle it, I did what I would assume people expected. I called her. I held the phone to my ear as the tears silently streamed down my face. My eyes can fill up with water right now as I type this, because the memory is still so vivid. I listened to her tell me normal mom things. She told me about how she was living in a fog. She didnt know what day or night was because she "took my advice" and did decide to breast feed, and her son is up all the time demanding the breast. She was exhausted. She?
Had I not just had to figure out magical ways to STOP my milk from coming in, maybe this wouldnt have bothered me. Had I not just had engorged breasts for 2 weeks after she was born, maybe this wouldnt bother me. Had I not been the only mother on the phone to never experience a word of what she was talking about, maybe this wouldnt bother me. But it did, and it still does, and it changed our friendship forever.
There is such a thing as justifiable complaining (Im going to add that to my made up word patent list too). It just really needs to be directed to the right audience. Only after my son was born did I understand much of what other 'moms' spoke about. Most people would assume my son is the most perfect child. They must think he slept 14hrs from birth. That he never cried. That he never was fussy. That he behaves 24/7. That I never have to count down the seconds to when its bed time. ALL of that is false. He is NORMAL. The reason why I dont choose to bad mouth his behavior to the rest of the world, is simple. All the things I just listed are normal child things. It doesnt need to be told. If you have a living child, you know what they do. And if you dont, my posts about how I didnt sleep at all last night will mean nothing to you and make me sound ungrateful. Or how he threw my phone across the room and cracked the screen, hit both my dogs with his little broom, threw the remote at the TV, climbed up onto the display area and broke my glass vase, broke my oil burner, took all his clothes out of the draws after I just put them away, climbed onto the table and threw all the fruit on the floor, dumped the dogs water all over the floor, squeeze a whole bottle of syrup on the floor, peed everywhere but in the potty all day, etc etc etc...You get it?? H is NORMAL...he does what everyone else is doing, I just dont need to cry about it. I actually laughed at all the things I just listed. But sometimes? Sometimes I look at the clock and wonder when its going to say 7:30 so he can go to bed...because I AM NORMAL TOO.
I was VERY grateful he didnt sleep more than 3hrs straight until 13 months. You know why? Because I knew he was alive. Because I was already up wondering why he didnt get up yet? Because I wanted to be up all night and I waited far too long for that too happen. Did it make me cranky? No, see I have a special needs dog that is sick all night. Its been like this for 4years now. SO I already didnt sleep and I already had that practice. But it did become interesting when I had one awake ready to eat and the other awake regurgitating and having an attack at the same time. Or when one just finished and one just started....
I find that there are just some things people dont need to hear 400x a day. If you have chosen the life you live, you should expect it to be full of different kinds of days. If you have more than 1 child to raise, you should expect that getting up in the morning isnt going to be a 10min deal. Its a given. You have more than 1 person to feed, dress, and get ready for the day. You have more than 1 person to get in the car and out of the car and into the shopping cart and how your children behave is a reflection of your parenting. There. I said it. (This is NOT in relation to special needs or behavioral issues those actually have opened my eyes up and i NEVER judge a child in public that has the clear signs of kid with either of those) I am talking about the people who choose to have more children than they have arms and then complain 24/7 about how they cant handle them. I DONT want to hear about it, and guess what? Neither does the rest of the world. This isnt venting. This to me sounds like someone who wants some type of award for doing what THEY chose to do. If you want to say I am bitter because I cant have anymore. That is fine. You can think that, but I will tell you that is not the case at all. Each time I packed up my son in the last few months I wondered how moms do it with more than 1. I was already mentally strategizing for the times (I was hopeful bare with me) that I would be in that same scenario. Of course its alot easier with 1. Of course its alot easier with NONE. But when you choose to continue to duplicate, you better be sure you know what you are getting yourself into. Because the rest of the world doesnt need their faces rubbed into it. YOU had them so YOU need to take care of them. Period.
Does my son behave in public? He sure does!! And I know my limits with him. I cant expect a toddler to sit still for very long, so my bag is constantly packed with things to distract him. I involve him in the grocery shopping, so he actually thinks its "fun". I on the other hand cant wait to get out of there because I like to be cozy in my house and not out shopping in the cold. Your children do what you allow them to do. As a child of 3 we were never allowed to act a fool ANYWHERE. my mother didnt have any 'help'. We had to go everywhere she went, including work. We would play our legos or barbies in the back, while she did hair out front. We would sit on a chair at the OBGYN while she was getting a pap. literally. It was all for one and one for all. My mom never trusted baby sitters and our family was not close. And when we even dared step out of line, all she had to do was give 'the look' and that was THAT. Did I like it? NO. Did I listen? YES. Because we didnt have a choice. And although I wont be as strict as my mother was, my son will NOT have a choice either. There is a time and a place for everything.
One of my biggest pet peeves are people who complain and do NOTHING to fix it. I complain about the things I cant control. I even try to limit that. I dont consider missing my daughter complaining. That is not even remotely close to complaining. That is grieving. If you dont like something then DO something about it because your life is what you make it. The END.
I was pregnant with many of my friends with my first. One of the ones I was closest with in due dates, was a long time friend. Her son and my daughter were "boy friend & girl friend". It was really fun planning their life together. A few weeks after my daughter died, her son was born. I heard this news as I was walking out of therapy in the same building in which my daughter just died. Talk about bad timing. So being I was still in the 'fog' and not really sure of how I was supposed to handle it, I did what I would assume people expected. I called her. I held the phone to my ear as the tears silently streamed down my face. My eyes can fill up with water right now as I type this, because the memory is still so vivid. I listened to her tell me normal mom things. She told me about how she was living in a fog. She didnt know what day or night was because she "took my advice" and did decide to breast feed, and her son is up all the time demanding the breast. She was exhausted. She?
Had I not just had to figure out magical ways to STOP my milk from coming in, maybe this wouldnt have bothered me. Had I not just had engorged breasts for 2 weeks after she was born, maybe this wouldnt bother me. Had I not been the only mother on the phone to never experience a word of what she was talking about, maybe this wouldnt bother me. But it did, and it still does, and it changed our friendship forever.
There is such a thing as justifiable complaining (Im going to add that to my made up word patent list too). It just really needs to be directed to the right audience. Only after my son was born did I understand much of what other 'moms' spoke about. Most people would assume my son is the most perfect child. They must think he slept 14hrs from birth. That he never cried. That he never was fussy. That he behaves 24/7. That I never have to count down the seconds to when its bed time. ALL of that is false. He is NORMAL. The reason why I dont choose to bad mouth his behavior to the rest of the world, is simple. All the things I just listed are normal child things. It doesnt need to be told. If you have a living child, you know what they do. And if you dont, my posts about how I didnt sleep at all last night will mean nothing to you and make me sound ungrateful. Or how he threw my phone across the room and cracked the screen, hit both my dogs with his little broom, threw the remote at the TV, climbed up onto the display area and broke my glass vase, broke my oil burner, took all his clothes out of the draws after I just put them away, climbed onto the table and threw all the fruit on the floor, dumped the dogs water all over the floor, squeeze a whole bottle of syrup on the floor, peed everywhere but in the potty all day, etc etc etc...You get it?? H is NORMAL...he does what everyone else is doing, I just dont need to cry about it. I actually laughed at all the things I just listed. But sometimes? Sometimes I look at the clock and wonder when its going to say 7:30 so he can go to bed...because I AM NORMAL TOO.
I was VERY grateful he didnt sleep more than 3hrs straight until 13 months. You know why? Because I knew he was alive. Because I was already up wondering why he didnt get up yet? Because I wanted to be up all night and I waited far too long for that too happen. Did it make me cranky? No, see I have a special needs dog that is sick all night. Its been like this for 4years now. SO I already didnt sleep and I already had that practice. But it did become interesting when I had one awake ready to eat and the other awake regurgitating and having an attack at the same time. Or when one just finished and one just started....
I find that there are just some things people dont need to hear 400x a day. If you have chosen the life you live, you should expect it to be full of different kinds of days. If you have more than 1 child to raise, you should expect that getting up in the morning isnt going to be a 10min deal. Its a given. You have more than 1 person to feed, dress, and get ready for the day. You have more than 1 person to get in the car and out of the car and into the shopping cart and how your children behave is a reflection of your parenting. There. I said it. (This is NOT in relation to special needs or behavioral issues those actually have opened my eyes up and i NEVER judge a child in public that has the clear signs of kid with either of those) I am talking about the people who choose to have more children than they have arms and then complain 24/7 about how they cant handle them. I DONT want to hear about it, and guess what? Neither does the rest of the world. This isnt venting. This to me sounds like someone who wants some type of award for doing what THEY chose to do. If you want to say I am bitter because I cant have anymore. That is fine. You can think that, but I will tell you that is not the case at all. Each time I packed up my son in the last few months I wondered how moms do it with more than 1. I was already mentally strategizing for the times (I was hopeful bare with me) that I would be in that same scenario. Of course its alot easier with 1. Of course its alot easier with NONE. But when you choose to continue to duplicate, you better be sure you know what you are getting yourself into. Because the rest of the world doesnt need their faces rubbed into it. YOU had them so YOU need to take care of them. Period.
Does my son behave in public? He sure does!! And I know my limits with him. I cant expect a toddler to sit still for very long, so my bag is constantly packed with things to distract him. I involve him in the grocery shopping, so he actually thinks its "fun". I on the other hand cant wait to get out of there because I like to be cozy in my house and not out shopping in the cold. Your children do what you allow them to do. As a child of 3 we were never allowed to act a fool ANYWHERE. my mother didnt have any 'help'. We had to go everywhere she went, including work. We would play our legos or barbies in the back, while she did hair out front. We would sit on a chair at the OBGYN while she was getting a pap. literally. It was all for one and one for all. My mom never trusted baby sitters and our family was not close. And when we even dared step out of line, all she had to do was give 'the look' and that was THAT. Did I like it? NO. Did I listen? YES. Because we didnt have a choice. And although I wont be as strict as my mother was, my son will NOT have a choice either. There is a time and a place for everything.
One of my biggest pet peeves are people who complain and do NOTHING to fix it. I complain about the things I cant control. I even try to limit that. I dont consider missing my daughter complaining. That is not even remotely close to complaining. That is grieving. If you dont like something then DO something about it because your life is what you make it. The END.
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