The Invisible Man

If someone asked me what grief feels like, almost 3 years later, I would definitely say its different.  Now I feel like grief is an invisible man.  He walks right behind me.  He has his hands wrapped around me neck, and every so often he squeezes.  Just a little.  Just enough to cut off the air I breath.  Sometimes he sticks his legs in front of me and I trip, and when I look up all I see is the past, and where  I used to be.  Sometimes he covers my eyes so I cant see anything else.  Sometimes he takes his arms and goes right into my heart and punches it.

And last night?  Last night it felt as though he held the pillow over my face and forced me to remember everything that was, and all that will never be.

If there is anything I can say about "hate", I hate this life.  I found so many letters I wrote my best friends while I was pregnant.  I think the hardest to find were the "99 bottles of milk on the walls".  I started this countdown when I only had 99 days left...I really believed that at the end of this countdown I would be fine.  I also found a letter I wrote thanking them for the incredible baby shower.  In this letter I could feel how happy we all were, and how excited to have her HERE we would be.  I felt like I was watching a horrible baby loss movie.  It played out so slow in my mind, and I knew how it ended.  It did not end how this family was hoping.  Instead each person in those letters will leave this bereaved mother at some point.  Each letter of hopes and dreams will now be nothing but a memory of what could have been.

Those images I had about all her special things would never get put to use.  Instead I will just have this aching pain in my heart for the rest of my life because it really did happen.  She was here.  I was happy.  She died.  And my life will never be the same.  Some days I feel like I have that invisible man in a head lock and I can kick his ass.  Some days it feels like the complete opposite.

3 years ago today I was joining a lamaze class.  There were 3 other couples.  But we were all due around the same time.  It was all our 'firsts'.  I was that 1 in 4 in that class.  And I bet they never knew.  Our last class what 4 days before she was born.  Ironically the birthing class.  I was more than prepared...yet didnt expect it to be a dead baby.

Today?  3 years later I am feeling as though I am having to relive all the pain and guilt of her death by going to find out what is wrong with me.  A new beginning today.  But for what, I have no idea yet.

Im just really sad and scared...I hate the invisible man...