Tomorrow..

When AF showed up I told my husband it was over.  I didnt want to talk about TTC.  I didnt want to go to a Dr.  I didnt want to be reminded that what took my daughter has also taken away my chances.  We talked for a long time.  Probably one of the most deepest talks we had our whole relationship.  He didnt want to give up, and I was tired of proving what I know about PAI-1.    

Then I came across the links about baby aspirin and realized that it was the only new thing I had introduced during these rounds of TTC.  So I stopped.  This weekend I seen the infamous 'sticky thing'...FOR REAL.... I was reminded that I had not seen this in a while.  So its possible that at tomorrow's appointment I will hear I ovulated this month. And since I dont have any proof that I didnt ovulate the last few months, there is really no way of knowing if baby aspirin was the blame.  

We dtd pretty often.  Its one of the things that never changed for  us, even after our children.  Its a relief.  With all that has changed in our relationship, its very special that we still have this connection to keep us grounded.  Since we do, I made sure to avoid it this weekend.  I knew my husband wasnt going to give up and I knew I needed to hear more info before we took that leap again.  Last night we had a date night.  Nothing fancy.  We really never need to do anything but just be together and watch a movie to reconnect.  

We dtd.  I had told him just a few days before not to leave it in..(sorry tmi but this is my space)

He did...

I am finding myself in a very awkward position now.  I trusted him to respect that I needed more answers before I got my heart broken again and he didnt listen!  But in the same breath I felt a sense of relief.  It wasnt forced.  It wasnt calculated.  It may not even mean anything.  But I dont feel the pressure I felt the last few months.

Maybe because I didnt know it was going to happen?  Maybe because for the 1st time we really were just having fun since it was not connected to ttc??  Maybe I am trying to convince myself these things so that I dont feel like someone stepped on my heart when AF is due in 2 weeks....My official day to ovulate is tomorrow (based on the site I use) but based on my experience with the 'sticky thing' I may have already ovulated Sat night.

The thing that is different this month is he didnt know I would be ovulating.  I didnt tell him like I had been the last few times.  I am really scared to think either way....

Tomorrow is the dreaded appt.  I hate to say it like that because the staff at this office has went beyond anything you would expect!!  They treat me over the phone as if they know me for years!!  It feels like home, even though its all new.  My heart has been racing since they called to confirm the appt. I am a nervous wreck.  I dont know how I will get through talking about her autopsy results.  I dont know how I will handle him revealing if I actually did ovulate...or didnt.  The nurse said they will do an u/s and be able to tell that way, but I am sure I will be taking 50 viles of blood tests.  After all its the damn blood that has brought me to him.  If you have read this and made it this far, please bust out your pineapples if you are hoping this isnt over for me yet.  I would love the chance to mother more children.  I was born for this.  But I am so afraid to hear that those will just have to be dreams of mine, like so many others.

Thank you <3