Wednesday, February 27, 2013

This & That

It has been a while since I posted here.

This month was long (even though its so short!) and draining and I am soooo glad its almost over! WOOHOO!!!!!

I had my ovulation cycle tracked from CD9-CD13 ,and it showed ovulation on CD13 at a level of 24 (last month was 23 on CD14). This months level was with the metformin, prenatals, vitamin D and Metanx.  I started the progesterone sunday night (if i am right?) since my dr said to take it during ovulation.  I was supposed to ovulate on Tuesday (based on mymonthlycycles site) but this month it was on Monday.  The reason he was tracking was to see if I needed clomid or other ovulation triggering meds, which they do not think I need as of right now.

The drs partner called yesterday to give me the results.  He sounded so positive it made me almost want to puke! "Your levels are really high! You def ovulated, did you have sex last night?"...Um excuse me?  Of course we didnt because the nurse at the last appt told me to do it every other day and not all the time and since I was supposed to ovulate Tuesday we were waiting.

 disclaimer: Sorry if this is TMI, but this is my space to talk about this.  I have literally no one to talk about this with and writing here anonymously has really made me feel 'less alone' even though no one is probably reading it.  So its going to be tmi from time to time..

He told me with levels like this that he has a feeling that I am not getting pregnant because of stress...YES...stress....Did I not have stress 6mon after my daughter died? Because I got pregnant that time with only 1 try, and I am pretty sure I didnt leave my bed at all during those months from STRESS!  This was the partner and Im sure he didnt read my chart before calling, so he doesnt know what the dr and I have spoken about.  I reminded him that LAST month my level was just as high and it didnt stick either.  He then said what I HATE TO HEAR "Try and relax.  Just have fun with it.  Then call us when you miss your period.  Dont worry, you will get pregnant."

If "relaxing" was automatically administered with direction...ID RELAX ALL THE TIME...I am relaxed..although not this month, but previously I was relaxed.  I didnt fret over the holidays without my daughter.  I am probably happier than I ever imagined.  STRESS isnt causing this Partner Dr!!!  Read my chart!!

He proceeded to instruct us to try that night.  So we wait...again...

I dont think anyone really understands that seeing AF is soooo hard!! This month it wasnt so hard because I knew I wasnt pregnant and with the low vitamin D level I was more afraid of losing a baby than seeing AF.  Its the monthly reminder of my body not working right that I just cant handle.

Part of me wants to stop all these meds and stop this.  Stop tracking and taking blood tests.  Stop setting myself up for disappointment and failure.  I feel like the jealous people are putting evil eyes on me and thats why I cant get pregnant <-----THAT sounds like a psycho, but its true.  I know I sound crazy, but I feel like people look too much at what other people have because of what is missing in their life, and some how their negative vibes stick like glue.

I have been taking more and more control of who I keep in my life and made some steps to remove the ones who dont care.  I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Ive never been one to "collect" friends.  I would rather have 3 GREAT friends than 300 good ones....I want people to love ME like I love THEM.  Im tired of giving so much of myself only to have shit handed back to me.  Sorry, another tangent, but I just feel like with every birthday of my daughters that passes I see peoples TRUE colors and I see who cares and who doesnt and who just uses me.  Im a good judge of character, but sometimes people slip through my cracks, but not for long, and they too shall go.


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