A precious heart beat

I love my drs office!!  As soon as the tech was in the office I went right in.  He actually cancelled appointments he made for today due to an emergency delivery, but she had me go in and not only that, but skip the other preggos that were waiting for her to check them.

Within seconds I was undressed and being scanned.  That perfect beautiful little heart beat was beating so strong.  so much easier to see today than the other day.  "Do you see it??" She asked.."YES!!!!!"  Then she let me hear it...I started to bawl "Oh no dont cry, you are going to need tissues, I dont have tissues!!"  I couldnt help it...that sound...that sound was music to my ears!!!  I cant tell you how differently I envisioned this appointment.  I went alone.  I dont like to take my son there because I always worry about those that recently lost a child.  I remember how much I hated waiting in there after my daughter died, watching all those kids running and playing.

I came home and cried some more.  I was so afraid of hearing those fucking words again.  How can it be there is no vomiting this week and last week there was plenty? (this is a rhetorical question please dont tell me this is ok, i am simply expressing my feelings) I know all pregnancies are different but the 2 I already has were eerily the same except for the outcome.  My anxiety about having a dead baby inside me again lessons when I puke.  It just makes those words "Oh thats a good sign!!" make sense.  Whats the sign for preggos that dont puke?  Its a bad sign...right?  That was what worried me, and that is why I went in and I WILL go in as often as I need to.

The fears of a rainbow pregnancy are something you just cant explain unless you have experienced it.  I say this with the most respect..PLEASE do not tell me to calm down or relax.  Do not down play my feelings.  I am in a very fragile state.  I almost bought an u/s machine online to calm myself down, but luckily my drs office offered to have me there as often as I needed.  The tech even gave me her cell number today as she hugged me and said she completely understands my fears, yet she has never once been pregnant herself.  I held one dead baby, Im not in the market of holding any more.

I need this space to be safe for me....Its my selfish place.  I say what I cant say IRL because no one can truly understand me.  So please stop reading this blog if you cant handle what is here.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  I appreciated every one!