Dr update and fears...

This is the update I gave my group:

"Just got home from my dr. There was 100% closed cervix (n hard) NO more red blood. The swab was like "yellowish" which is just remnants of the other day (n what I've been seeing) no bed rest today. Just walk around n take it slow. He believes I had a weak capillaries that burst n sealed quickly n occurs on 9%of pregnancy but there is no dr in the world who can say 100% what caused it. That's his theory from experience n seeing the area. I am going back Wednesday for one more cervix check to triple check. Thanks for the thoughts n prayers. If I didn't have this for my daughter I wouldn't be as nervous n scared as I am. (Didn't have this for my son, ever) n he understands my fears n will see me as often as I need hi m to, but he believes I am out of the woods."

Now I have to be honest, this doesnt really comfort me too much.  I never even had red blood for my daughter.  It was mostly pink.  It was on and off through out the pregnancy and it was always "on the outside" too.  It was never a problem.  And they swear up and down that the spotting with her didnt result in her death.  Right.  It may have not directly been related, and I am not a Dr., but blood in a pregnancy for someone with a double clotting disorder seems like a problem.  It seems like a heads up for something not going right.

I spent last night cuddling my sleeping son, while I cried onto his little head.  I couldnt hold in the tears.  I was literally holding a miracle in my arms and wondering if I will be able to do the same with this one...sigh..

Once the dr told me the red blood was gone and the cervix was hard and closed I felt a relief....I seen the baby jumping around on the u/s and looking more and more like a mini human.  I chose that time to not think about what may happen again or what will end up being, and I decided to be happy for the news I have and this baby that IS still alive.

Not that I needed a time check at ALL, but this weekend reminded me that nothing is promised.  My sentences have all been "when" the baby comes home and now I find myself saying "if" again.  I said "if" alot for my sons pregnancy because I didnt know a different ending, other than death.  Since I had a more positive experience I started out positive and now....now I feel like I just really dont know what is going to happen.

I feel like I have to put on this happy positive go lucky front for everyone.  Instead of getting support I am reassuring others everything is OK.  I got more pressure on me to keep everyone else calm than ME getting to feel calm.

I took a step back today.  Regrouping myself.  Realizing who really does care about me and my baby.  I am all about looking at the glass half full, but God dammit would it be too much to ask to be ABLE to feel scared?  I didnt even tell anyone IRL except my sister and obv my husband.  I didnt want the pressure of constantly feeling like I have to say "I feel fine, baby is good, HB is good".  I hardly went on FB the whole weekend because I literally felt like I was doing more of the comforting about what was happening to ME than getting any.  My husband standing over me as I check the HB, which isnt so easy when the baby is small and moving all around, he literally broke into a sweat and turned red "OMG, that was so scary, why did it take so long??"  Long? it was 5 minutes!!! Imagine ME who has to check for it in MY body!!!!!  Lets remember one thing, I am the one who had a dead baby in their body and I am the one whose blood is to blame and I AM the one who has to worry if this time will be like hers....instead of like his....

Of course I could always rely on my #1 to be right there texting with me and letting me feel OK to be scared.  I felt OK to remember and compare this to my daughter.  I felt OK to finally sound negative when stating RED blood IS bad.  And I felt good when my Dr told me "I agree with  you 100%, red blood is never a good sign in pregnancy.  But even normal pregnancies can experience it".  So here I am afraid again.  I thought I could get through ONE of my pregnancies not afraid but I am and I dont know how to change that now.

 Rainbow pregnancies are scary and no one should ever make someone feel like their feelings are not valid.  No one will ever truly know what its like to get through one.  If you are able to get pregnant with a rainbow you will need BIG huge balls to get through it, cause you cant do anything to calm yourself other than YOU calming yourself.  Ever try to do that with bleeding?? Yeah...I have...and I honestly dont know how I will mentally make it the rest of this pregnancy.  ALL I ask is that I take this baby home and raise it here on Earth.  Seems like a simple request, but when you have everything against you...seems like you are asking for a miracle.  I have one miracle right here, did I meet my quota??  I dont know....