At 14 weeks they were able to take a guess at the gender of pineapple. They guessed girl. In the back of my mind, far back, I knew that already. The last few weeks I started feeling like maybe this baby isnt a boy. Maybe there was a chance (50% actually) that we were in fact having another little girl. But my mind would not allow my heart to believe this.
There are many reasons why. First off I have already connected a successful pregnancy to a boy. Stupid, I know. I should only be connecting the lovenox to the fact that his pregnancy was successful, but for some reason I was not able to think that way at the time. For me it was just more scarier to find out it was another girl. Especially given the fact that the only other pregnancy I had bleeding for was my daughters.
The next day I took an intelligender test. I have taken these with my other 2 and they were very accurate. That morning (5am to be exact) I was not sure about the results. "What does that say? Boy? Girl?" and after googling images, the solution did NOT look like a boy, but again, my mind would not allow myself to believe it was a girl. So I emailed the company directly with a photo and asked for their help. They replied within a couple of hours that the result mirrored the results of a girl. A GIRL. So here I was a day after a girl guess, reading a girl result and several 'old wives' tales of girl results, still unsure. I didnt say a word to anyone.
The following week it came time to guess again. Girl. Again. This time I saw the lines. This time I was pretty sure I was seeing what they were seeing. It hit me. There is another little girl growing inside me. Will she get the chance to come home?
I got home and cried and cried and cried. My husband didnt understand why I was crying. With tears falling down my face I told him how I was so much more scared now. I had bleeding with only one other pregnancy, and she was a girl, and she died. I dont care if they say it was unrelated. BLEEDING is never normal, let alone on and off for 35weeks. This time I had lovenox and I still had that bleeding. It could be a coincidence, it could have been the stretching of the uterus. It could be a million 'normal' things. But the only thing I could think of is my son, my rainbow, is HERE and he never had bleeding.
Then I explained how I was afraid to announce a girl. I was afraid that peoples jealousy would some how hurt this pregnancy. Stupid I know, but I thought this anyway. I was afraid that when I announced a girl I would hear stupid comments or worse no comments. And I found already that I have received plenty of both. Its amazing how you notice that 1% who NEVER reaches out in happiness over your news.
I cried and then I stopped. I needed that release. I needed that time to just absorb that news. I was so happy and so scared and it was as if I have never had a rainbow pregnancy before. In fact, this is completely different from my sons. With him I was unsure if I could have a living child, with this one I am unsure if I could have a living daughter. The fact remains to be seen....
After a week I finally decided to announce in my group. I was overwhelmed with the amount of JOY spilling in the comments. One after another I read how loved she already way. How much the loved her name. How happy they were. And then again, like with my sons, I noticed there were my 'friends' who didnt say a word. Nothing. Was I hurt? Of course I was. This is a chance for me to raise another little girl, and they didnt have anything to say to me. Nothing. I already buried one daughter and I cant believe they cant find a word to say to me in hopes I never do again. But as quickly as I was hurt by these people, I got over it. I may have hurt longer for the treatment I felt for my son, but this time its different, this time I refuse to let anyone or anything steal a MINUTE of joy in my heart for this new little princess. 1 minute of hurt is 60 seconds of joy I missed with her, and thats 1 minute too long.
Then we announced to my inlaws over the weekend. Was I surprised that my MIL didnt include my butterfly daughter in the amount of grand-daughters she will now have? No, but I was sure as hell going to REMIND her that she doesnt have 4, she has FIVE. And that punch to my throat was a swift kick back to her face, but she didnt learn because she proceeded to leave my butterfly out again, and AGAIN I had to remind her. I am trying so hard to make sure that my stress levels are stable. I cant be the reason that my blood creates a clot. SO I let it go at that and when we get home I mention to my husband how hurt I was. I assumed he would have been hurt as well, or maybe just acknowledge it hurt ME, but instead he defended her. Because she 'apologized' when I corrected her, I was supposed to let that go. Right! No, I wont let that go. In fact I will turn the tables this time. Where before she made the choice to miss my sons first 2 years, this time I WILL be the one making the choice to have her involved as little as possible. And that is how that will go.
We officially announced the gender reveal after they found out. At this point my feelings have changed. Where with the initial reveal I wanted to keep her gender all to myself, I now want to scream it to the world..WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER GIRL....and another chance and I could use as much prayers and joy around as one could expect.
Its been an amazing 3 weeks in my mind. Lonely for sure. Not really sure which of my feelings are normal. Not really sure which I can share and which I can keep for the blog. I have needed to come to this space for a while, but I didnt want to feel one thing one day and then different the next. So I waited til now. Today I have felt nothing but happiness about our next rainbow. I cant wait until the fall/winter clothes are out in the stores so I can buy them. I cant wait to start her room. There are so many things I cant wait to do, and THAT is all new to me. I didnt even feel that for my 1st. I was always too scared, this time I refuse to let ANY of my fears keep me from preparing to bring her HOME.
My mood has been very short, but this was way before the gender reveal, I am so cranky and short tempered the littlest thing can set me off. Another reason I have not made it known to 'those' that have ignored me since I got pregnant again, Id rather keep my cool and just know that those who DO love me and my kids are here for me. I am literally growing a vegetarian in my body. Butterfly daughter wanted MEAT all day all night, and spicy foods. My son wanted everything...EXCEPT meat and this little girl wants nothing but fruits veggies and almond milk with chocolate syrup. I could eat those all day and night. Pretty healthy eating habits already LOL. Thank goodness its summer time and organic fruits are easy to come by, but I have had to make the sacrifice and buy what is not organic too because we dont believe it ignoring a craving (unless of course its beer, which YES I have craved too along with snow crab legs LOL)
The one thing I can say about this little girl is that she is her own person. She has her own likes and dislikes. She may be another girl, but shes her own girl and I love her more than any words I can type here...
Whew..that was alot and I swear I feel so much better already. I seriously need to come here more often because with my son I had therapy, but now I just have myself. Pretty lonely.
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