Holy Triggers..

AF came this morning...CD1, and so it begins, again....


A few weeks ago I said I wanted to try my best to battle the triggers.  Today I accomplished a major one going to Church.  Church?  Yes...church.  3 years ago on Ash Wednesday was the last time I heard my daughters heartbeat.  It was the 1st time we took my stepson along for the u/s appointment.  It was a great day.  I wanted so badly to get my ashes during my pregnancy.  As hard as it was to walk (sciatica) I wanted to go.  We went to a few churches before we found one that was doing a mass.  I wobbled myself and my stepson into the church.  Tears formed in my eyes as I was blessed by the priest.  I blessed my belly with the holy water as we walked out.

She died that monday.

I have not went to get my ashes since then.  I didnt take my son last year.  I didnt go the year I was pregnant with him.  Today I went.  I took my son inside church.  He looked around and smiled at the strangers around him.  He got his 1st ashes, and in a way I got my 1st ashes again too.  I looked around and saw a few bellies ready to pop.  My heart cringed.  I wondered if any of them would suffer the same fate as me.  Would they wobble their pregnant bodies out of here today and then walk out of the hospital with out a baby in a week?  It sounds impossible, but statistics prove otherwise.

I walked out a little scared.  Im not going to lie.  As much as I know nothing that I do or repeat from those 'weeks' before her death, can cause my son to die, it doesnt stop the fears.  But I was proud of myself for allowing my son to experience something that was a big trigger or me.  I felt like I really am doing as much as I can to make sure he isnt affected by his sisters death.

I am praying to who ever listens to these prayers to give me peace the next 11 days. ....