A little bit of this and a little bit of that...

When this dr ordered me to have blood work done, I wasnt shocked.  I was shocked today when the lab tech was refusing to do all the tests in one day.  "This isnt allowed!!  You have too many.  You will need to break it up into 2days".  I rolled my eyes because I am used to hearing that, "Miss Ive done 22 viles before. I can do this!" She had to get her supervisor in to approve.  I seriously wanted to laugh at her, until I heard the amount she was asking permission to take.  "This patient needs to have all these done today.  It will be at least 50".  50?? WTF is he testing for??  Her supervisor explained to her that the only patients they can refuse to do that many to, are children, and she is to continue if I am ok with it.  Ok 50 seemed like a lot, so I asked her to please count.  It was actually 42...!!!!!  I asked her not to stick my left arm.  The veins suck there.  Just stick the right one and you can probably fill jugs with no issues.  Did she listen?  No, she insisted the left was 'just fine'...ok...after a swollen vein and about 20 tubes she had to stick me again in the other arm....42 in total and I was just fine.  Like I told her I would be.  I couldnt use my arm for a few hours today! sucked balls!!

I had my son with me.  I usually have my mom watch him because children in dr's offices or labs gross me out.  I feel like I am just asking for him to get sick.  I might as well have him lick the bottoms of shoes for fun.  But I had no choice.  Today my mom worked, and like many other moms in this world, I made it work.  I came prepared with his IPAD, snacks and his toy of the week, a plush puppy he bought one day when we went to visit my daughters grave.

I think of all that had to be done in the lab, the hardest part was when the supervisor asked "is he your only one?"  This question is annoying but I guess its 'normal' for people to wonder.  Maybe because he was so well behaved while he waited in his stroller, she had to assume I knew what I was doing?  "No, hes not my daughter passed away" and then the "im so sorry" and the "its ok dont worry about it" and then, I was SHOCKED...."Was she stillborn?"  What gave that away?  I mean, WOW.....there are hundreds of ways children can die.  Sadly I know lots of crazy stories.  "Yes...wow, how did you know that?  Its almost 3 years now"..."Well, look at all the blood work you are doing.  We dont get many women in here doing that much unless they had a stillborn"...I didnt know whether to feel relieved that other women in this city have had stillborns too (and im not the only one) or to feel sick to my stomach that there are women who have had to sit here and go through this process too.

My son must have realized what was going on because he asked if "mommy have booboo?"   I just said "yes..."but I wished I could have said no.

Today starts the month that I literally cant breath through.  My patience is so minimal you can probably say its non existent.  I wonder if I am the only one that feels like this.  I wonder if I am the only one that cringes looking at the expiration dates of foods because I dont want to see anything else 'go bad' on that day.  I dont want to see anything on tv that will premier that day.  I just want everyone to skip mentioning the word February.  My mind involuntarily starts to flash back to what ever I was doing on that day.  "dr appt, shopping, painting, decorating, etc etc etc".  I cant remember what I ate yesterday, but I can literally map that whole month right out.  Its haunting.  

I dont feel the ache like I did last year.  I dont think my mind has been allowed to 'go there'.  But I feel the sadness living in the corner.  It peaks out and I push it back.  It peaks out and I push it back.  Its probably why I am feeling so angry.  Anger is fear.  I will never forget my friend telling me that after she died.  I fear she is forgotten every day.  Not by you all, I know you dont.  But by the rest of the world.  Its just easier for them if I never mention her death.  If I smiled all the time.  If I had a fb status that just spoke about laughing and smiling.  If I just accepted how ever they chose to comfort me, instead of having my own feelings about it.  1 day down 27 more to go!!