I feel like a voluntary lab rat.
Im not a fan of taking medication.
When these options were given to me as a way to help us get rainbow #2 I didnt even think twice. I went the same night and filled the scripts. It was that simple. I want another baby much more than I want to be all natural. Im not even that 'all natural' anyways, I just dont like pills.
Well day 1 was great! Day 2 was ok too. Day 3? Day 3 on metformin felt like I had a stomach virus. Chills, sweats, and trapped in the bathroom for 3hrs. I felt like garbage. How can I take care of my son when I feel like this? Once the 3hrs were up I felt better again, and I started to google. Since I have never been on these meds I didnt know what to expect personally. I heard lots of feedback from the girls, and even the dr mentioned it can give some gastro issues, but I didnt know exactly what would happen. Those 2days of no side effects also through me off.
I read a lot of sites of people who were suffering those symptoms who were eating too many carbs. No carbs. That was going to be tricky. Even as a vegan (when I was before my daughter) I was still able to eat pasta and rice. Now what would I eat? I dont like meat. I will have a burger I make myself, but to have a huge slab of carcass on my dish with a side of salad just isnt me. And guess what? I did it. I eliminated carbs. I found some great recipes for breakfasts (since I have to take the meds after I eat in the AM n PM) and made it happen. No 'stomach virus' symptoms. YAY!!
Next day I wake up and I am not feeling right. I felt drained. I was very white in the face. My hands and arms were trembling. I felt like I was about to faint. I felt dizzy. Oh shit, is my sugar too low now?? I dont have the glucose meter. I was alone at home with my son. I said to myself, "screw this, I am going to eat carbs right now because Id rather shit my life away than have my son see me passed out on the floor with no one to find me for hrs".
I started to google again. Google can really help you. I noticed I was able to eat 30g of carbs per meal, and luckily a friend was able to confirm what I read. whew!! It wasnt the carbs I had to eliminate, it was the man made carbs (pasta, bread etc). Ok easy. I can def do that!! I love veggies and I was kind of freaking out because alot of the veggies n fruits i eat are full of carbs.
Guess what? Now I cant go. Like at all. Google again. Find out this is another 'side effect' of metformin. One I did not hear about from the girls. Of course, my luck. So I ate pasta, figured since that was what took my life out of me, it would work again. Not so much.
Tomorrow I will add a few tablespoons of cocunt oil to my daily intake of things. Why not? It should help my stomach and its good tasting too.
And my thoughts on progesterone? yeah, this is legal weed in a pill. I constantly feel high. I feel tired. I feel like I just dont want to get off my couch. I liked the sleeping part the first few days, but the groggy cant move my body part isnt so fun.
One 'side effect' of not having my son watch TV all day, is on days like these when I felt like shit, literally, I couldnt just put the TV on for him and he would sit there. I still had to be his mother.
And I made that work too.
He never knew a thing. I on the other hand have had several breakdowns. It shouldnt be this hard, and believe me I know it can be harder. But this is MY hard. I dont discredit anyone elses struggles ttc and I wish others wouldnt minimize mine.
Physically tonight I feel good. I am afraid to even type that and jinx myself, but after 3years of feeling like everything I did jinxed my daughter to die, I know better. Typing how I feel wont create more 'side effects'.
As the month gets closer to her birthday my patience is even less. Add her birthday, added hormones, stress, grief, and anger and I am a bomb ready to explode.
Im so scared for what the next week will bring. I gave myself small goals to take away the pressure. Goal #1 was the Dr. Goal #2 blood work. Goal #3 the day AF is due. That is one week away and I am literally afraid of that goal. =(((
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