Spotting...</3

AF isnt due until Tuesday, but I spotted tonight.  Thats a sure sign shes coming.  happens to me all the time. ( Please do not comment if you are going to tell me it can be implantation bleeding.  Please do not tell me to think positive. )

Im so angry with myself and my body.  Ive had my usual PMS symptoms.  Ive become a pro actually.

I knew I wanted to skip this month because I couldnt handle a BFN/AF before her birthday.  Too much sadness at once.

I hate this....

Hate....

Im just sitting here in the dark crying.  Im also sick of hearing how awful its been for others.  How I already have 1 rainbow I should be grateful.  How some still have yet to get that.  I feel like screaming at them, "You  happy now?  Its not happening!!  You feel better now?"  Believe me, my heart aches for those.  But when it comes to this.  Im selfish.  Just like I want my daughter here, and not floating on some clouds.  I want more children.  For us.  This is the part of my life that seems to keep getting shoved back into my face.  My reject body rejecting babies.  

And with the statistics I heard from this new Dr.  Its literally that.  My body repelling the babies from implanting.  What a way to make you feel like shit.

When I came out of the bathroom I wanted to just start crying right there.  But I held it in, as I usually do.  Im not a crier and I really prefer not to have an audience when I actually do.  I just said to my husband "Im spotting.  It didnt work again." And his face froze.  "Is it due already?"  Of course he is trying to find the bright side of it.  But since he has a penis he will never understand.  Must be nice to own one of those.  Have literally one part in this whole process while I have to have flashbacks every single month.

I really dont know how much longer Id be able to get have this heart break every month.  Am I asking too much???  I remember when my daughter died screaming "If she was going to die why did I even get pregnant.  Why take her??"....Maybe God is answering that question now.  Maybe another pregnancy would end in death...again.  And if that is the case, I really dont need to get pregnant.  Im already a mental mess as it is.

But now everyone knows around us.  My inlaws know.  My brother, his gf.  Everyone.  And as much as its no ones business but ours.  I feel like I am a failure in front of everyone.  Again.

I hate February.....