There. I said it.
I cant be perfect everyday. You would assume I would be ok with this but I am not. I am really angry at myself.
My son is getting closer and closer to 2years old, and that phase they call "terrible twos". I dont like the world terrible. I found that term really insulting when my daughter was turning 2 in Heaven. To me that was terrible. So I always said the "trying 2s". He is trying me and I am trying to contain myself. I noticed over the last few weeks he has been becoming more independent. He wants to choose his clothes and most of the time its by color, and he always wants to wear the same thing, I think its great and I encourage it. Its not such an easy task when the same green super hero shirt is in the wash. It doesnt go over well. Usually I can convince him with a different fav shirt, but sometimes the tantrum follows and I walk away. I dont entertain him because I dont want him to learn that tantrums get results.
He has also started deciding what he wants to eat. I am fine with this too. Now I learned to ask him if he is hungry, and then I ask what he would like to eat. That really minimized the stress of cooking when he wasnt ready and having to pull tricks for him to eat. It also made it easier because I was cooking what he liked so I know he would want it. I know this isnt the best thing to start. I know I should be cooking what ever I want and he is to know he has no choice. But really? Is it that serious? Just cook what he likes and he will eat.
But now we are going into a whole new world. He is choosing which episodes he wants to watch and if I dont have it on DVR or on DVD the fits start. I will admit that this week especially, the TV has been a good friend to me. I usually let him watch *maybe* 2 episodes a day. This week Its been on all day. He doesnt watch it, but Id be lying if I wasnt hoping he would. Just for now at least. I dont feel well. Emotionally I am a disaster. I cant grieve how I have been able to in the past for her birthday. 2 years ago I was pregnant with him so staying in bed all day crying was pretty easy to do. Last year he was almost 1 so he was ok with playing on the floor or with some toys. I dont remember it being this hard to do with him around. He is very aware of my feelings. When I cry he gets very sad. So I try not to in front of him. I dont want him to remember a mother who is always crying, even if it is for his sister. But again I am doing something wrong. By holding it all in I am really getting overwhelmed. I am feeling really frustrated and what probably wouldnt bother me on a regular week, is making me feel like the worst mother ever, because I have NO PATIENCE.
He started doing things this week he never does. Slapping me, throwing himself on the floor, hitting himself (which oddly I also did as a child) if he doesnt get his way. The power struggles are coming full speed and I am just not ready. Not this month. Give me a break universe!! Really?? On top of all the shit I already have in my head you also want to remind me I have no experience with this either??
I caught myself doing what I promised I would NEVER do to him....I yelled. Loud. He just froze and started crying. I couldnt believe what I did. I just collapsed my head into my hands and followed along. Now we were both crying on his bedroom floor. He came to me and pulled my hands away, while still crying, "Mommy, you Ok?"....I felt/feel like a piece of SHIT!!!!! I dont know what to do. I dont know how to ask him to just be a little more himself just the next few days. Give mommy the time to be her mother too. Being her mother requires tears, especially this month. Being her mother requires me to feel like my heart is hurting, especially this week. The flashbacks have begun. The lump in the throat has begun. I was hoping and praying this wouldnt start again. I dont want to feel like this!!!! It doesnt end, not for me....In fact its worse, because now I have to pull myself together when I dont want to. I dont have a choice though.
I look like a zombie. I know I do. My husband simply asked me what was wrong tonight, and I could barely get out "nothing.." without crying. I HATE crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me vulnerable and pathetic and I HATE feeling like that. But the pain of her death is still so real. I dont know how to show I miss her and Im so sorry I couldnt save HER without crying....Its all I can do. Ive told her I was sorry 500000x but it doesnt make the pain less.
Worst mother of the year award goes to me....
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