Heavy Hearted......

Today has been heavy on the heart...I mean heavy.

Ive been having those moments where I still can not believe this is my life.  I closed my eyes today for a few seconds and wished this was all a nightmare.  

My mother was here watching my son so I could do some painting.  The 2 paintings I finished were for her.  They are amazing!!!  But so heartbreaking to create.

The "whys" never end do they?  Why is my daughter dead?  Why is she buried in the ground in a coffin the size of a shoe box?  Why did I lose all the wonderful moments that come with your first child?  Why does it seem like everyone who has their daughters treat them like shit?  They just dont appreciate what they have!!  Its so frustrating hearing pregnant people complain all the fucking time...NEWSFLASH PREGNANCY IS HARD!!!!  NEWSFLASH NEWBORNS DONT SLEEP!!!!!  NEWSFLASH....Id give anything to have those all again.

Someone asked recently if they were being selfish for wanting more rainbows because they are also struggling?  The thought came into my head as well when I wanted to start ttc .  At first,  I felt guilty for being so hurt that this is all over now, when there are some still waiting for their 1st rainbows.  I felt guilty knowing that I was lucky to even get pregnant those 2 times I already did, when there are some who have never seen a BFP.  But you know what I reminded myself?  That there is nothing EVER wrong with wanting more children.  I never started trying for children with an end quota.  I didnt have a "I want 2, 3 or 4" kids.  I always said, ironically, I will take as many as my body allows.  I wish I never said that now.  I wish I just wished for a million LIVING children.  Then I would be able to stop on my own.

Someone asked me recently, "Doesnt the RR trigger you now?  How come you can still hear there are new rainbows on the way?"  Rainbows,to me, are one of the most amazing things in the world.  They are a glimmer of hope in a world filled with darkness.  When they bring light to my friends, they also bring light to me.  I love them ALL.  Even when I cant really deal with their mothers LOL.  Those babies I am lucky enough to watch grow have brought me so many happy days...and with those happy days they have also broken my heart when they have had to go before their time.  So to answer this person's question, I simply said, "because rainbows are not always promised, and those babies need to be celebrated."  Nothing about being a BLM is guaranteed anymore.  "Doesnt it sting to see BFPs or hear your friends are TTC soon?"  NO WAY.  Ive watched these mothers go through one of the worst things in their life, and sometimes I have watched them doing it more than id like to count.  They DESERVE this time of hope.  And they have stuck by me and I will stick by them.  And I would assume they would feel the same about me, had the shoe been on the other foot.   

But back to what I was saying....I miss my daughter BIG TIME.  Today especially.  In one month it will be 3 years I heard that she died.  I would love some advice on how to stop that flashbacks on those last days.  I would love to be able to close my eyes, open them and have all my children HERE.  I would love to have met all of you on some obnoxious mommy group where we do nothing but do what we do now...without the heart ache.

I wish there was some magical, chemical free ;-), pill I could swallow.  Almost like the cookies in Alice In Wonderand!! YES!! One of those "eat me" ones that make me grow sooo big I can reach Heaven, cuddle her in my arms and give that sweet chubby cheek just one more kiss....I would whisper the last words I ever whispered to her again..."I love you and Im so sorry"....Because I am.....

If there was ever I time I wish the calendar days would FLY BY it is now..I wish I could sleep the next month away, wake up on February 24th, and take that ever so amazing DEEP breath that lifts that weight right off my shoulder.  All the breaths I am taking feel as though I am just grasping for air right now....I feel like someone is holding an invisible pillow over my face and an invisible cinder block over my chest.