Open play or open fire?

I made sure to get me and my son out of the house today.  If I continued to go down this path, knowing my depression history, it would all end horribly.  I dont want to be depressed.  That is a really important thing to acknowledge when you suffer from this.  You know its capability and you make sure to grasp control again.  And that is exactly what I have been doing the last few days.  Gaining control again.

When my daughter died I didnt need to grasp anything.  I was happy in my bed for months.  I was happy to cry and not eat and scream and hate the world. But with my son witnessing how I behave, I have to act differently when I am in that place again.  I dont want him to ever suffer or see me suffer.  So I do what any good mom does, I (mentally) slap myself and keep it moving.

To keep my mind busy I started thinking of his birthday that is not very far away.  I had a great time planning it last year and I wanted to remember that and feel that happiness again.  I came across some really cute places to have a party in and while I was searching I noticed they have "open play".  What is that??  This is one of those things that unless you have a child to entertain, you just dont know these exist.  Its basically a place that caters to infants and toddlers with slides,  crawl tunnels, ball pits and so many toys you literally cant play with them in just one day...ALL for just $10 and I was free ( I noticed some places charged the parents which is why i didnt try those out).  

The anxiety of meeting "moms" always gets me.  What will they say?  What will they think?  Will I feel comfortable?  Will they judge the fact I have not threaded my eyebrows this week because I barely wanted to shower? (I know that made you laugh but i SWEAR I did think of that!)  Will I slap one of them for saying some stupid shit...(yes I do think of this too LOL) ? Will Adrian get along with the children, or will it show that he is 'alone' at home?  I swear sometimes my mind is my worst enemy!!  But I didnt let them trap me at home!  

I mingled with the moms that were there.  It wasnt crowded at all so the children were able to play and that allowed us parents to talk...prepare yourselves because this is where it gets good.

I do NOT compare my son.  I dont compare him to my neighbors kids, friends kids, charts, blogs, TV...NOTHING.  There is no way for MY son to compare to another child as far as I am concerned.  Unless there is a mom who is raising a BOY EXACTLY how I am, food, tv, toys, daily lessons etc, then there is nothing to compare.  EVERY ONE IS DIFFERENT..period...

But this is what "moms" do, I see.  They compare.  They question.  They provide you with details of their experiences you really dont care to know.   I dont care people.  We are not friends.  I am here for my son to play and to clear my mind.  Please stop asking me when he started speaking.  He didnt start soon, he just speaks alot NOW.  Please do not tell me that girls speak earlier and boys walk earlier...that may be a fact for Adrian BUT I have PLENTY of friends with "boys" that this doesnt fit with, so again please do not generalize with me.

At one point I cut the girl off "Im sorry.  I dont allow people to compare my son.  Its just not how I am. I think its safe to say all children develop differently and unless your dr is concerned I would just let him be, and he will start things when he is ready"<----THAT is how you are supposed to mother.  THAT way...

Then she started with the "girl girl girl" and I couldnt anymore. "I really dont compare my son to girls AT ALL because the only girl he would have been compared against would have been his sister but she passed away, so yeah...I really dont care about how other girls developed".  Mind you in my HEAD I was screaming it, but today...today was different..today I wanted my son to be able to come here again because he liked this place and he liked this woman, so today I did this all with a big huge medicated (even though im not medicated) psychopathic SMILE...Like I dont think I ever smiled as much as I did today LMAO...But what ever...people can we just enjoy the kids PLAYING....

Then it came time for her to bring up the Newtown murders and this stupid effin video that someone made and its flying all over FB.. I watched it. But I dont believe it (if you do please keep it to yourself cause I cant even entertain you)...Well guess what?  She believed it...My eyes were rolling so much you would have that I was having seizure.  Really lady??  You are going to base this solely on the fact the grieving father giggled a little bit?? Did you hear what was being said to him?? Maybe a friend was trying to calm him down from having to TALK ABOUT HIS DEAD DAUGHTER...Maybe they said to picture everyone naked, maybe they said "did you smell my fart"...EVEN if your baby/child has died you are able to laugh people.  Its the one effed up thing about being a BLM/BLD...you can do it and you do it with almost a guilt of being able to feel happy (in the early days)...but you CAN LAUGH...

I had to stop her right there.  "Listen, I understand what you are saying because I watched the video as well.  I didnt watch it to be able to agree, I watched it to see how FAR people are willing to go to make themselves feel better and believe children dont die.  That man just made thousands of people who couldnt believe children die believe that in fact they were right, children dont die. and that is a lie.  I buried my daughter so I can speak for him, laughing for 5 seconds doesnt mean he wasnt grieving anymore. it means he still holds that important part of being able to SURVIVE after your child dies.  Without that ability you really wont last long.  Perhaps everyone who doesnt believe this happened should go there.  Go to their graves.  Go see the parents.  Because the rest of the world has moved on.  There are people who dont even believe this happened anymore.  But those children died and those parents will live without them forever.  Just like I do.  I am here, I am laughing with  my son. That doesnt mean I dont miss my daughter.  That just means I am I survived it. and they will too, hopefully"

Aside the fact that these 2 situations happened, I like these women.  They didnt act like I mentioned a dead baby, when in fact I mentioned a dead baby.  They listened to me.  They respected how I mother. They did look at me weird when they offered adrian Hawaiin punch and I said he doesnt drink stuff like that.  They also had their comments about "people exaggerating eating cold cuts during pregnancy, nothing bad can happen"...but I think the other part of surviving these play groups is picking your battles.  I picked mine today.  And I am sure there will be more ahead as well.  It is what it is.  And hey,  I didnt punch them in the face, so it was a win win for everyone =D.

I did realize ONE thing today...I am really proud of the mother I am.  And more than that I am proud of my son! He was the only one that cleaned up after himself.  He was the only one that didnt fight.  He was the only one that was friendly with the children and offering his toys.  He was the only one that didnt act like he was on speed LOL....I never question my Pediatrician.  He is right.  You feed your kids crap and they will act like it.  You feed your kids good food and they will be good. =)