Roller Coaster?

I am in that place again...

It didnt take long.  I was just there on Monday when the spotting happened. Want to hear a confession? I was holding on to hope that is was the implantation spotting everyone talks about.  It was not until yesterday morning with AF actually showed up "for real" that I knew it was really over...again.  

I am really holding onto hope that it was the baby aspirin.  I wont be ttc for the next 2 months.  Ironically I would need to TTC on my daughters birthday in Heaven and I know many are ok with doing that, but during the month of February I dont do anything but mourn.  I am in a much better place with her death and my grief.  I dont obsess about the same things I did when she died.  I dont find the need for rituals to keep her memory alive.  I talk about her a lot more often with smiles than tears.  Its because I have come to realize I can talk about her life.  It is ok to.  It doesnt mean I am stuck.  It doesnt mean I am making it harder on myself. It means I am a mother to a daughter in Heaven who has found a way to include her in our every day life.  That is all.  The love I have for her isnt measured by the amount of tears that fall from my eyes.  If that was the case I cried enough in the last 3years to carry me over a life time ;-).  But in February, its her month.  Her time.  Its her birthday and Ill cry if I want to, dammit!

I hate that I have allowed hope back in, because just 2 days ago it was ripped out of me.  Metaphorically speaking, the blood I see now is the blood leaking from my broken heart.  Could it be that others feel this way?  How can I be the only person in the world that when I saw AF come just yesterday I felt as though a part of me died again.

Did you ever make a 'mental baby'???  I will be adding that to my list for copyrighting as well.  This TTC with issues is not easy.  Its draining and I dont know how not to think about it.  I wonder if I will ever get to hold this "mental baby"?  Before my 2 kids were conceived I loved them too, so I have created a mental baby before. But I have also seen that through so I dont know how to over come this one.  I am still thinking of the months I would be pregnant, and when I would be due, and when I would have had a csection, and when I would have found the gender out.  All the plans I made in just 8 short weeks are gone.  How can I stop thinking about something I have been thinking about for months??  I have not even transitioned my son to a toddler bed yet because I was hoping to do that when we needed to use the crib.  I have all of his things saved, and still have her things saved, and what am I saving for??  For who??  For what??

I wish I could see into the future.  I wish I could just have a normal body and a normal life.  This life of a baby loss momma is never ending.  Just when I think I have a grasp on how things are....something else happens to set me right back.  Im tired of crying.  Seriously.  I am tired of it.  I was over triggers of pregnancy.  I didnt have to convince myself that huge belly at the mall was a rainbow baby.  I was at the point of realizing ALL children are someones rainbow for one reason or a another.  Now I am here, cringing at the idea of watching this whore kim kardashians belly growing.  I get sick to my stomach knowing snookies dirty crotch was able to get pregnant and keep it full term and experience her water breaking.  I never had that.  I was induced for both.  Every show I watch has some reference to pregnancy and it makes me feel left out again....I hate feeling like the one who didnt get picked to play on the team.

For the record rainbows do NOT trigger me!! I love them and they make me soooo happy!!! Thankfully that part of me still is here.  

I wonder why this is my life all the time...what did I do...what is the purpose??  my rainbow brings me SO MUCH joy and I think that is the only reason I can smile every day.  My heart goes out to those who have to go through this monthly pain without any children.  I can only imagine how that feels and if I ever was someones trigger I apologize.  I do try to consider everyone.  I wish I felt the same.