Did I just see what I think I seen?? Was there the infamous "sticky thing" when I went to the bathroom just now?? Is this NOT over for us yet?? Im so afraid of hope. A word that literally carried me for the last 3 years is now a word that I consider to carry more fear than "hope". But I'd be lying if a small part of my heart didnt puff out with happiness. Maybe there is a different future for me than I have had so far?
I dont know how to not think of this. Seriously. I told my husband I couldnt try again. I couldnt allow my body to tell me what I already know, again. I need to speak to this specialist first before I do anything for our future. So this month isnt happening, either way. I just cant handle more bad news days before her birthday next month. Im trying to be as sane as I can, and lately I just feel like I just CANT WIN.
Someone suggested IVF or adoption, if the ttc process would be difficult or impossible again. While I am sure this was brought up with good intension, do people not realize what goes into those two processes? We dont have that kind of money. Plus, I know a lot of stories where both didnt end well, so just like everything else I have learned in the last 3 years, its not a guarantee. So without the old fashion way, we literally have run out of options. And the house that was meant to be filled with running children, will have my very special boy.
What am I hoping to get out of this appointment? This is what I keep asking myself. Why did I even make this appointment? Another question I keep asking myself. At first I made it just so I can prove what I have been feeling, and that is that my body doesnt want to get pregnant anymore. My husband wont be able to be at this appointment, so it will be just me. Sitting there hearing my truths. But now? Now I am hoping this Dr tells me the baby aspirin messed up my body and that everything is looking ok. I know I was "ok" a few days ago with the fact this may not happen, but I just cant let go of the feeling of wanting more children...I want what so many are taking for granted.
I cant help but feel robbed. ROBBED of all the dreams I created my whole life. How much can someone take before they lose it?
Believe me I know there are worse things I can be crying about. But I cant control how I feel. Mouring a daughter and mourning the children my arms will never get to cradle is very hard for me. And I feel like no one understands.....
I wish that I could make it all better. That there was a button I could push that would magically give you all the children your heart desires. Heck, I would give up everything you have ever done for me, all the people that you made possible for me to meet and become friends with, and all the support you enabled me to have, if it meant you could have her back. I will never fully understand because I've never walked in your shoes. But my heart does ache for you. <3 and (((hugs))) and a thousand times more <3
ReplyDelete"What am I hoping to get out of this appointment? Why did I even make this appointment?"... I think the answer is HOPE! No question off limits, no question unanswered. If you don't go, you won't know 100% and that uncertainty you feel is your hope. (Just what I think... feel free to tell me that I am 100% wrong!)
ReplyDeletex <3 o