Unchartered waters

This is my new blog.  No names. No pics. No real connections to be made so if someone stumbles across this it will be physically impossible to point fingers to ME.  Another attempt at being able to keep blogging publicly without it going public IRL.

Lately I am finding myself in unchartered waters.  Ever since my daughter died my arms have been empty.  then my son was born and they were fuller...but still missing something.  It was a few weeks after he was born that I already wanted to have another one.  The stress of his rainbow pregnancy went out the door.  You can probably compare it to when they say "you forget the labor pains once the baby is born". You know what I mean. I forgot how scared I was because I was so in love with feeling like a mother....a feeling you certainly do not get after you bury your child...

fast forward 18 months.  The holidays are coming up.  I recently found out I have another clotting disorder called PAI-1 4g4g.  the "worst" of the strains..nice..nothing like finding out the real cause of your daughters stillbirth right before the holidays right?  Along with this my mom has DVTs my sister has also thrown a clot...there are so many factors aside pregnancy now.  What should I do?  I have my son HERE who needs his mother.  So I talk to my drs and I start baby aspirin to prevent clots from occurring.  We talked about TTC and the first question my

hema asked was "did it take you a long time to ttc your children?"
 "No" I replied, "I got pregnant 1st try with both"
"Ok because PAI-1 has been known to cause fertility issues" he says...

Right there I knew I needed to do more research on this.  I didnt have much information to read. The internet is pretty scarce when it comes to this.  Why wouldnt it be?  Only 7% of the population has this strain...I am feeling pretty down now! But hopeful.  Without hope what else is there right?

So it came time to discuss christmas gifts.  The year was financially tough on us.  My husband was laid off for 9+months. We ran through our savings.  We even needed to ask family for help.  I was really stressed out.  But we didnt want to ruin our son's christmas.  So we managed to make it work, but when it came to what "i" wanted it was simple...so I thought.  I created a drawing and showed it to him "Rainbow #2" I asked.  He smiled and said "Of course we will! But I want you to open something silly" and I said "I dont think there will ever be anything I can open to make me as happy as knowing we are having another baby"....

And there it was.  We were back on a TTC journey.  My cycle is like clock work.  Every 27days.  But lately its been "off".  2days before the REAL AF starts I have been having this annoying brown spotting.  I had cycles like this before my daughter. But after my son they started back again.  I just took it as though my body was just going back to 'normal' pre-babies now that it has been so long since I was pregnant.

I use mymonthlycycles.com and I look for the "sticky thing" as I call it commonly known as EMCM. for some reason "sticky thing" to me seems like a far better description, although not so scientific LOL.

We did not chart, temp, no ovulation kits, not sticky thing.  We literally DTD every single day.  1st month nothing.  I took it as though it was just a flop.  "It happens" I said.  "Not everything can be so easy 3x" I said.  The 2nd month we started DTD as soon as AF was gone and all the way to the end.  We missed 2 days in all, but that shouldnt have been a problem because according to the site, I was not ovulating anyway.

And this is where the dreaming began.  I already started planning this "baby".  I was pretty sure that even though I never seen the "sticky thing" that I ovulated.  There was some change in CM.  There was some really weird things that I was feeling.  The only time I EVER had tender boobies was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  The only time I ever had these bright blue veins running through my boobies was when I got pregnant with the 2 of them.  Something was happening....but DEEP in my heart I knew something was wrong.

I didnt "feel" pregnant.  I know many dont "feel" it until after 6w, but not me.  Im pretty in tune with my body.  I know when something is wrong.  I know when I ovulate.  I "feel" it.  I didnt feel it this month.  Then I started to think back..."Have I felt it at all lately?  Have I seen this sticky thing?"  And Im pretty sure I have not...then in the same breath I say "Oh I def seen it, because we avoided dtd that week when we were not ttc"....

I literally started to obsess.  Not because I KNEW I was pregnant, but because I KNEW I was not...again...and I dont know whats going on.  It was a pretty lonely road because I had been keeping the TTC thing to myself.  I didnt want the pressures of having to provide a BFP to everyone.  I didnt want to hear advice.  I didnt want people to start calculating due dates and bday buddies and so on and so on...so I kept it quiet to a very select few.  Those I KNEW would not be triggered by it and those I can trust to keep it to themselves.  So I bought these really cheap WONDFOS tests to satisfy my NEW need to POAS.  I never did this with my other 2.  I POAS 2x for each kid and that was it.  This time?  This time I peed on a total of 40...FORTY sticks!!!

40x my heart was shattered in the last few months.  40x I was reminded my body failed me. I failed my husband. I failed my son.  I was reminded of my NEW clotting disorder and how it is know to prevent implantation.  How it can cause PCOS, which I see I have a few of the symptoms to.  How it can cause me more trouble BEFORE I even get pregnant than I even considered at 1st.  PAI-1 is the reason I was afraid to TTC. But I had this baby aspirin that almost all the TTC boards on BBC swear by to help ease the conception process.

And the day before AF is due I got this deep aching feeling near my right ovary.  I know it was implantation..or was it?  I didnt have this pain with the other 2?  I dont remember it. I didnt have it listed in my early pregnancy symptoms chart.  But "every pregnancy is different".  Maybe I am more sensitive now after the 2 of them...Wishful thinking.  Because in the same breath I knew something was wrong.  The next day I woke up at 6am.  POAS #37, I see something? Or do I?  Is it an indent?  Is it the start of a line?  Is it because its 6am and I have barely opened my eyeballs yet?  So POAS#38, BFN...something is wrong.  I pull out POAS#40...BFN....And I just couldnt contain myself...

I cried for the next 2hours straight.  Holding my chest.  Barely able to breath "No God!! NO!!! Dont tell me this is another problem I have!! Dont tell me you have taken THIS from me too!?!?"  And I finally decided enough was enough.  Im not doing this to myself anymore. Im not going to get 1yrs worth of heart ache every month to almost PROVE I can get pregnant.  I threw in the towel.  Infertility will not be added onto my list of shit.  Its over.

Now what?  Now I have to grieve this part of my life.  I have to stop keeping this to myself.  Maybe if I shared with those that I shared my stillbirth with I wont feel alone.  Wrong.  I got plenty of (from a good place though) "It takes time, It took me "x" amount of time, you are thinking too much, just relax, just have fun, try this, take this, do that"....And it felt like I was slowly getting pushed into a corner and forced to believe I CAN ttc.  "Dont give up!!" and all I wanted to do was scream "I DIDNT GIVE UP!! I knew there was a chance of this when I tested for it.  I knew that when I heard those results THIS would be the outcome!! I DIDNT GIVE UP THEN BUT I GIVE UP NOW!!!"

I give up because my son wiped my tears all day.  "mommy you ok?" "You ok mommy" "Mommy got booboo" come on man??? How can I do this when my son NEEDS me.  I cant do this to myself and to him.  My husband was convinced this 'new disorder' I found what change a thing.  "these drs just like to scared you" he told me when I found out.  "NO THEY DONT!! They keep me informed on ALL the possibilities of what I HAVE, not what they have given me"

I needed to be away from FB.  I needed to just be with me and my thoughts.  I needed to just have someone tell me "i understand how you feel. " and surprisingly not many did.  The same people I could share my darkest moments with, were now people who did not understand how I was feeling.  I wanted someone to listen to me. Not give me advice.  Not tell me their stories. Not suggest new tricks.  I dont want to sound like a 'know it all' but I KNOW IT ALL. I dont just get knocked up, I search and search and do more research...and thats because my daughter died.  And that is because when I found out it was MY body and MY blood that killed her. And that is because it is MY body that will have to go through the ttc stage, the preg stage, the blood work, the u/s, the kick counts, the csec..all of it...so I prepare myself with knowledge because if I cant control the outcome, I can at least control what I know.

I stopped taking baby aspirin sunday night, even before the BFN. I knew I would be started lovenox on the 1st day of a BFP, Sooo the sick and twisted hopeful person wanted to be able to start right away, but in that same breath the realist KNEW something was wrong.  And as always I was right.

Today I woke up and a memory I had flashed in my head.  I remembered reading baby aspirin made TTC difficult because it prevented ovulation.  I remember providing this info to a BLM a long time ago...so I do what I do best, I googled and googled and came across TONS of sites stating this as a fact.  prolonged use of baby aspirin has been linked to making people NOT ovulate..wow...

So is this the reason?  The only NEW thing in my treatment plan was this baby aspirin.  Could this be? Do I still have a chance?  I dont know, because we were ttc without STRESS and insisting, I didnt do any ovulation kits, so I dont know if I did OR didnt ovulate.  I didnt see the sticky thing, THAT I know.....but I also know that we did it so much it may have been there and I missed it.  Its a complete mystery..all I have are the FACTS about PAI-1 and that on its own is enough to know what really can be happening.

You know what I wish?  I wish more people would just listen sometimes.  If you have a friend that is having trouble ttc, dont offer advice if they are not asking for it.  Dont tell them to relax.  Dont tell them to stop thinking about it and it will happen.  Dont tell them it takes a few times when they have a REASON it may not be happening.  Dont tell them anything.  Just listen.  Just say "I am here if you want to talk".  Just say "if you have any questions you can ask me".  All of those statements bring guilt.  Guilt of maybe stress causing the pregnancy to not have come about.  Guilt of thinking and planning for this precious new life.  Having to provide information to others about what is wrong with me has been so emotional.  I know people like to 'know' details, especially with something they dont know, but sometimes it just hurts to much to prove whats wrong with me.  It hurts to inform others when the information is hard for ME to swallow...

I dreamed of this baby a few times.  I dreamed it was a boy, I seen the little hand in my belly move from one side to the other.  I felt the fingers.  I dreamt of my daughter a few days before a BFN and the night before I dreamt AF came...and she did...and I hate her.  I hate her for crushing my dreams.

I never want to feel this kind of disappointment again.  Im not the kind of person that can just DTD/TTC with my husband and continue on with the days.  I dont know how to "not think about it" because I WANT(ed) this baby.  I asked for it.  And it was taken from me.  My dreams of a house full of children have been taken from me.  My dreams I had for the future with THIS "mental baby" I created all month are gone.  Its a whole new kind of grief for me. I am grieving HOPE & DREAMS.  have you ever grieved that?  Not a 'real' baby...a "mental baby"??  Those for me are new.  Those kinds of griefs are pretty hard on the ego.  Hard on your self esteem.. HARD on your heart.

Certainly not like a baby dying.  But sure as hell is NOTHING like I have experienced when AF shows up.  Its like a slap in my face.  A slap I do not need to have for months/years at a time.  And I definitely do not need to force this.  I have 2 children. 1 I mother on earth and 1 I mother in heaven and each of them has filled my heart in a way I can never type into words.

My husband doesnt want this to end.  "You are the one who wanted this baby and you are giving up??!!  Please dont do this!! Please just try a few more times"..."A few more times??  You want me to feel like THIS a few more times?? For what?  To end up right here, where I am trying to get comfortable being?" and he says "No, I want you to see that there is nothing wrong with you" and i scream "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG AND I AM TIRED OF HAVING TO PROVE IT!! What more proof do you need?? Do YOU want to see the blood?? Do you want to see the 40 BFNs??"

=**********((((

I dont WANT to stop having children...but my body DOESNT want to make them anymore...what can I do?? Keep doing this to myself?? So for him, my son and for ME I made an appt with another specialist to see what he thinks.  Have him run tests and come to a conclusion.  And what ever he finds or doesnt find, I hope its enough for my husband to accept my choice. And I hope its gentle enough for me to hear...no one EVER wants to hear that something IS wrong....sigh...

To those of you who have said things that were not intentionally hurtful, I am NOT mad at you.  I just have come to a place now that in order to protect myself from those comments my TTC or lack there of will be happening here on this blog.  Privately as I can, but publicly where you can follow along. Please do NOT list my name or the name of my children.  I want to make sure this does not fall into the hands of the wrong people. Thank you!!