I Never Imagined This would Affect Him So Early...

I finally opened up to my mother the other day about whats been going on as far as my problems with TTC.  I have been avoiding this because as much as she has been there for me since my daughter died, she just cant relate to anything I feel or go through.  But she told me she figured we were going to try again when I asked her to watch the boy because I was going to the specialist next week.  She also had her own opinions, and I swear I just cant anymore...

I understand people want to help when they hear or see someone crying, but the best thing you can do is just listen.  "You know what you need?  You and your husband just need a few nights alone.  Let me take the baby and you guys can relax" JESUS CHRIST.  I am relaxed...WE WERE relaxed.  It was the most fun we have had in a long time.  There was no pressure.  The pressure started a few days before AF was due because I knew I wasnt pregnant.  The sadness kicked in when I seen that spotting.

I wish she didnt downplay what I have because she has it to.  "I got pregnant with all of you without a problem" right mom, but you also never had your daughter die because of it "oh stop it! Why do you always have to go there?"  Go "there"?  "What is 'there'" I asked?  "Is it the place where you have to hear what is wrong with me and realize there IS something wrong with me that made MY daughter die?  And is now preventing me from having another baby?"

I called her today on my way home.  It was such a nice day and I wanted to take my son out for a little while.  Even if it was just to run a few errands and have a slice of pizza together.  At least we were not home.   It was actually our first lunch date just us two. In babys r us there is a section with toys there for children to play with.  Since he was being so patient in the shopping cart all day I let him out to play along side the other kids.  I swear this is the part that makes this process and decision that much harder.

He walks over to the 2 little girls (sisters) and says "Me me I pay? (excuse me can I play with you)?"  The younger girl pushes his finger off the toy she is playing with.  His rejected little eyes look up at me "Mommy? I pay(play)?" and I said "The little girl is playing with that one, why dont you try to play on this side".  Clearly this little girl and her sister had no intentions of playing with him.  He looked so sad because he LOVES children.  Its really hard to watch and I usually dont get involved because I want him to learn how to interact on his own, but this time my feelings were hurt too.  Their father was right there watching.  It would have been the right thing to do for him to let his daughter know other children can play there too.  It also would have been nice if they returned a "hi!!" or "bye bye" that my son greeted them with, but nothing.  It was like he wasnt even standing there. WTF??

So back to the part where I call my mom to vent...She listens and then this comes out...Please keep in mind she NOW knows we were ttc and failed and most likely will not be able to have more children...you ready?

"oh this poor baby.  All alone at home with no one to play with.  Then he goes out and no one wants to play with him (in italian she says).  Its so depressing. What a sad life for him.  Why dont you see if you can get together with your friends so this kid has some kids around.  Why must you always keep him so alone".....

If my son was not in his car seat (she was on bluetooth so he could hear her in the speakers) I would have seriously cursed her out.  I told her "Are you kidding me?? Are you trying to have me drive directly off a bridge? You think I dont already know hes alone?  You think I dont try to have him around children? I just took him to a playgroup the other day.  Kids are mean, its not my fault!  I have enough to be blamed for already" and I hung up.  She didnt say anything I wasnt already feeling, but to hear someone pity him was really hard.

I think as he gets older my grief is changing.  Its changing more now because I see how its directly affecting him, and seeing him hurting because of this, is NOT easy.  I dont know what else to do.  We have 2 dogs that he tortures and they seriously run from him.  Its so hard to get together with my friends who have kids because of schedules and whose sick and other things going on etc.  I tried this play group and I will take him weekly (even if it means swallowing glass talking to these moms)...what else can I do?  I feel so guilty...more now than I ever did...its my fault he has no one to play with because my blood killed her

=******(((((